Right now. I’m sitting in the neighborhood coffee house, struggling to get just a morsel of information about COBRA health insurance coverage, and noticing a phenomenon that has mystified me since high school. A group of four very attractive, thin-to-average build “hottie”-type women are sitting at one table. At a table next to them sit three women that are absolutely huge, each probably 300 pounds or more.
I can’t really phrase this in a politically correct manner, but it seems like women apparently seem to choose their friends based on how similar they are in attractiveness. In other words, they seem to self-segregate based on how attractive they are. Even among my friends that are women, I’ve noticed that the vast majority of their female friends are … well, similarly attractive in appearance. This being the SDMB, I know someone will respond with “selection bias!”, but I REALLY notice the times when I see a group of female friends gathered together, one fat, one a hottie, one average looking, and so on, because such gatherings are so unusual.
When it comes to friendship, likeminded people are drawn to each other. If what you notice is a real phenomenon, that might indicate that there is mindset that results from, or results in, some level of attractiveness or some level of grooming.
I must say that I have often noticed friends being similar in their level of grooming, indicating how much they all value appearance. That correlation seems to be stronger (at least over here in the Netherlands) then between weight, as that is to some degree dependent on body chemistry.
I was wondering this myself, but I don’t think it’s restricted to women. I am wondering whether everyone tends to sort out into groups of similar attractiveness, unless they make an effort to do otherwise. But maybe ‘attractiveness’ isn’t the right word; maybe ‘similarity’ is.
I know that, at work, I’m more comfortable speaking with the pleasant lady in cubicle A than the stereotypical hottie in cubicle B next to her. And that’s because I’m not a hottie. And I think everyone is more comfortable speaking with similar people. Gorgeousness, cultural grouping, race, whatever. Unless you make an effort to go beyond, you… won’t.
I think Maastricht is right - it’s not genetically “hot” people who stick together, but people who have similar taste in fashion/appearance. You can see groups of emo girls with a lack of “hotties” as much as you can see groups of “hotties” with a lack of emo girls.
If you strip them all of clothes and makeup, you might still be able to group them by hairstyle. Put a hat on their head, maybe then facial expression. Put a bag on their heads, perhaps group them by walk or posture. If you make them all stand up straight and you started grouping them by body type, you’d probably be wrong.
If you look at me and my best female friend naked (woo hoo!) for one of us you’d say “Smokin!” and the other “Barf!” We’re complete opposite in size and shape. Put us in clothes and you can see right away that our common outward appearance is that we’re both “jeans and t-shirts” girls with no real sense of style, who don’t bother much with our hair or makeup. We’re the Plain Jane type and that’s probably what attracted us to each other in the first place.
I think the theory has some merit, among some people. A – significantly – former friend told me at one point that one of the things that attracted her to me was my ‘style.’ She was/is very much into clothing, hair style and other areas of grooming. (To be fair: she has other interests as well.) She is a very attractive woman (much more so than I).
However, as I noted, she is a former friend, one whom I almost literally had to divorce. She took advantage of me one too many times. So while appearance appears to have attracted her to me, the main reason I became friends with her was proximity. When the friendship proved too one-sided to support, I jettisoned it.
I never thought of choosing friends based on their attractiveness. It was always due to likemindedness, character, what we had in common, and so on. I don’t think I could be friends with a person who was visually pleasing to me but had nothing in common.
Observing my wife, I’d say yes. She is very attractive, fashion-conscious, and “stylish” and she looks for that in other lady friends. Sure, she has a few friends that are average or plain but I can tell by her conversations with me that others who are of the same “style” are more quick to be placed in the potential friend category than those who are not.
This also goes for upbringing. As she says “Poor family-side” vs. “Good family-side.” She tends to associate with people of similar upbringing (family education levels, income, urbane as opposed to poor country-side or “rough” upbringing).
I’ve tried to guide her that in the U.S. those labels perhaps aren’t as important as in her culture, but she’s only come around a bit on her way of thinking. She realizes it can be a shallow approach and that there are really good people out there that came from “lower” backgrounds and aren’t as pretty as her, but it’s a tough mindset to break.
I would add that I’ve seen the opposite of this, particularly when I was younger and in the bars regularly. It seemed pretty common to see the one hot girl out with her two or more “not so hot” friends. My working theory was that this was intentional so there was not competition for attention.
I also know one woman personally who is exactly like this. Most of her friends are not as attractive nor as wealthy and she adores the fawning attention they give her. If a new woman (my now ex-wife is an example) who would be competition in terms of attractiveness, etc. enters the picture they are not embraced and befriended by her.
I don’t see this often, maybe it’s some sort of reverse wingman strategy. Around here, hotties run in packs. Sucks to be old and ugly. Life was easier when young and attractive (or at least, less ugly).
I once made the mistake of having a friend who prided herself on only picking friends who were beautiful (this was her wording). She was also a complete ass who trampled all over people. I’ve had similar experiences with other people who have been concerned with their friends’ appearances.
When it comes to friends, male or female, I’m interested in brain, heart and humour. I guess quite a few would be termed “ugly” or “plain”, while some would be classed as “pretty” or “beautiful”. Choosing friends based on their looks feels like a very high school or adolescent thing to do. After that, you ought to have outgrown it.
I agree with the OP. Many women do, in my experience, gather together consistent with their relative degrees of attractiveness. My wife, still lovely to me after 17+ years of marriage, is best friends with several attractive women whom a cruder man might describe as MILFs, so I’m not complaining . But there are other factors at play, too. You could peel this particular onion any number of different ways.
I think when we’re younger, we tend to group by social status, and it would be silly to say that appearance doesn’t play a role there. Some of it has to do with self-esteem, too. I didn’t consider myself attractive when I was in my teens and early 20s, and while none of my female friends were downright UNattractive, neither were they particularly pretty. I learned in my late 30s that the group of guys we all knew back then thought I was “the pretty one” in that group, but even if they’d told me so at the time, I wouldn’t have believed them.
Now I am old and long-married and do find that I have more - and more varied appearance-wise - women friends than I used to, and I think that part of that is I’m no longer considered “competition.”
. But there are other factors at play, too. You could peel this particular onion any number of different ways.