I once read a nonfiction book many years ago, and part of it was about a group of fatherless kids and teens, or something similar I believe - and somehow the conversation turned into, “What would you be willing to give up to have your father back for today or one hour?” - and the kids and/or teens said they’d be willing to give up almost anything and everything they had. Just for **one hour, or one day, **of having their dad back.
So, no, Enola Gay, your kids would *not *be better off without you. I think you need a George Bailey “It’s a Wonderful Life” sort of moment/epiphany.
I felt that way for a long time and I didn’t really have an epiphany, but I guess I just decided I really couldn’t afford that train of thought to have a productive life. I also read something to the effect of “would you let your best friend treat themselves this way?” These feelings do suck, but when you’re down, your feelings are not always rooted in truth. There’s value in every day that you get up and fight.
I’d just like to chime in with a little caution for all those who are, in an effort to be helpful, saying to the OP that, “of COURSE your children love you.” Well yeah, probably they do, but unless we know the details of Enola Gay’s family life, we can’t be sure that a comment like that won’t be a bit painful to hear. Maybe he has an ex who turned the kids against him. Maybe his kids are kinda jerks and really don’t seem all that loving, through no fault of Enola Gay’s. Maybe Enola Gay tried to be a good parent but made a mistake or had a problem that, at least for the moment, his children don’t feel too forgiving about.
My point to you, Enola Gay, would be that even if you can’t take to heart the reassurances that your kids love you a lot right now (either because you are too depressed to believe it, or because you are aware of circumstances that we are not, which make the situation more complicated) - it is STILL true that your children are better off with you alive.
Even when family ties are strained, suicide casts a terrible shadow across the survivors. Truly, it doesn’t matter if you and your children (or anyone else you have been close to) have a less-than-ideal relationship right now. Suicide is still devastating for those left behind - in fact, it is perhaps even more painful (if that’s possible) when there are unresolved issues that can never be addressed because of the suicide.
So just remember, Enola Gay, that even if you don’t have an Ozzie-and-Harriet happy-family relationship with your kids right now, you are still doing the right thing by them by struggling to get through the pain you feel. You are a hero for keeping on, even if you don’t feel like one.
Counseling and/or anti depressants have helped a lot of people, including me. Please do talk to a professional. Counseling scared the crap out of me, until I did it. It wasn’t me lying on a couch while a guy with a Van Dyke beard nodded and judged me. It was more like getting together with a friend who listens and gives good advice. And when I hit a patch where the counseling alone wasn’t quite doing the trick, medication got me through it. That was another thing that scared me, until I did it. I was afraid it was going to cause significant personality changes or make me spacey or something. Instead it just helped me get through the day without crying.
If you’re employed, your company’s EAP will likely pay for at least some counseling, over and above what your insurance pays for. My company EAP paid for the first 5 sessions (IIRC) before I submitted anything to insurance. Your employer may have something similar.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Thank you all. I actually do know that my kids love me, they are wonderful, but I haven;t been the best mother lately due to some outside stressors that they know nothing about. All they see is that their mother prioritizes booze over them. It’s all far to complicated to explain on a message board, but just knowing that others have felt despair, then come out the other side is helpful.
I agree with the above posters. Don’t make any irrational decisions, just think things through and by the time you are done thinking, you should feel better. If not, therapies for depression may help. I struggled (still do from time to time) with depression and as painful and as worthless as I felt, I fought through it and now I think back and say “why the ever loving F*** was I depressed?” You will do the same I promise, you will have that “AHA!” moment and feel great again and realize everything you have and what you have to offer. Best of luck to you! It does get better (I used to think people were “just saying that”), It really does!
Hugs! I’m sorry things aren’t so great right now. I hope they get better soon.
Sorry for assuming you are male, EG! I don’t know what made me think that.
I’m sorry to hear about your depression. I don’t want to just add a sort of ‘yeah, I’ve had that, too’-comment and then expound on how bad I got, but one thing I know is that it’s possible to come back even from the brink, to regain some measure of happiness, to perhaps even be proud (if only a little) of yourself that you persevered, rather than feeling guilty that you should have those problems in the first place. And accepting help when you need it is not a weakness; it’s a strength.
Yes, I have at various times in my life felt like a failure as a father, a failure as a husband, a failure as a son, a failure as an employee, a failure as a believer, a failure as an artist, and a failure as a person, and I’m sure I will have such feelings again. I have even, at my lowest point, wondered to myself whether my family would be better off without me.
We live in an age in which it is all too easy to compare our lives with those of others and find ourselves lacking, and in which that message is all too often forced upon us. But that massage is baloney.
Your children are not going to be better off without you, and you are not worthless.
I’m very glad to hear you know your children love you. Let them know what you have let us know – that they are wonderful.
Seek out whatever help your circumstances will allow. I really don’t know what I’m talking about in this regard, but alcohol and depression together sounds like a double whammy that might best be handled with some expert assistance or a support group.
**Sunny Daze **is a pretty cluey chap. Give some thought to some of his suggestions and which of them might be a good fit for you.
Best wishes to you, fellow pilgrim.
Better days are to come and you will experience new things with your children and for yourself that will make you think “I’m so happy to be here and experience this moment.”
I used to, when I was a child.
I was this far from jumping off a balcony. The balcony itself is on a 10th floor but there’s a terrace underneath. I figured 8 floors was enough fall to kill me for sure. And since I was useless, no good, any resources spent on keeping me alive and fed were a waste - I’d be doing the world a favor by riding it of such a drain.
I stepped back saying “I refuse to believe [that I’m worthless]. There HAS to be something I’m good at. What I have to do is find it.”
I did. There are things that you are good at, children to watch grow, doors to open for others (both figurative and physical). I do know that being patient with yourself can be hardest. But I do hope that you will be able to find, or find again, those things you are good at.
It’s normal to feel that way sometimes but remember that you aren’t useless and it isn’t hopeless. It’s a cliche but there is an entire world around you and you are an important part of it. Everyone matters, including you. It’s okay to feel sad. Being sad has a purpose. Let it do its thing and then you’ll see things will look better. Another cliche is sometimes things will look better after a good night’s sleep. That’s a cliche because it’s often true.
And if you don’t find yourself feeling better with time please talk to someone who can help you either medically or emotionally.
And best wishes also to you, ThelmaLou.
I enjoy and appreciate your contributions to this board. You have an admirable eloquence in your writing and a genuine depth in the thoughts you share.
If booze is the problem, I suggest that you find an AA meeting and go there. Today. And tomorrow. And every day that you can find the time. Seriously. I promise you that you will find NO judgment, only more love and acceptance than you can currently begin to imagine. I’m not making this up. You will be welcomed. You don’t have to speak up and “tell your story,” or even say anything. People sometimes go around the room and say their name (first name only), depending on the meeting. This is free, readily available in just about every city, community, hamlet, village everywhere.
You will be around people who know and feel EXACTLY what you are feeling (and worse). I can promise you this. Go online and search or find the local phone number and call.
It’s no substitute for therapy, but it works well with therapy and it’s something you can do TODAY.
I was involved with an alcoholic and I went to alanon for a long time. I never spoke up in meetings, but as soon as I stepped into that room, I always felt buoyed up on an ocean of love. Eventually my bf started AA. He was a troubled only child who was molested by his single mom as a 10-year old and grew into a loving but troubled man. No father in his life, just his dangerous mother. When he found this AA group, he said, “I found my tribe.” (It was a men’s only group. You might look for a women-only, or maybe there’s a mothers-only group.) He was embraced by a roomful of men exactly like him. He had brothers for the first time in his life. That was 13 years ago. (We eventually broke up for other reasons.)
Give serious thought to what I’m suggesting. If the “religious” part puts you off, just ignore it. They have a saying, “Take what you like and leave the rest.” The alanon group I went to used to say the Lord’s Prayer at the end. I know it (in three languages, actually), but I’m Jewish and didn’t want to say it, so I usually slipped out before that part.
There’s also a message board that’s very good soberrecovery.com.
Wow. I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me. They’ve made me cry (in a good way). Thank you for your thoughts and thank you for sharing them with me. You’ve made my [del]day[/del] year. 
Depression is a cruel bastard. Been there, you’re not alone. I’ll echo those urging you to see a doctor asap.
Well, I’m glad if I can offer some cheer. (Or. . . feels. (’ _ ')“” )
And I mean it sincerely.
Thank you again for sharing your experiences with us all. I am sure what you’ve shared is what our friend **Enola Gay **needs right now, and is maybe even a comfort to those silent visitors who come to read this thread wondering the very same thing she has asked us.
Yes, thank you, ThelmaLou & I echo Not Carlson’s comments. Thanks to all for trying to help me manage my despair & I certainly hope the thread has helped others. It is reassuring that I’m not alone.