…redo her makup? Good Lord, ladies, who taught you how to do yourself, the makeup lady from my high school theater department? It’s not so bad when a young girl does a lousy job because she has her youth, soft skin, and delicate features to counteract her incompetence but guys have so many strikes against them that they need all the help they can get just so they aren’t laughed out of the WalMart. And what is so attractive about WalMarts, anyway? It’s your special day out–go someplace special.
Step one: Shave your face.
Step two: Shave again
Step three: Try Nair–maybe that’ll get rid of the stubble.
Step four: Put on your wig straight. Remember that, for this afternoon at least, you are a beautiful supermodel and not Joe from the SooperLube. The haphazard guy way you normally take care of your appearance won’t do. And where the hell did you get that thing, off Tricia Nixon’s statue in Madame Tussaud’s vignette of the 1968 Republican convention? This is Chicago–I assume you can get everything you need at stores where you will be accepted and not laughed at, even after you leave.
Step five: There are also people around here who will help you do your makeup right. These people are pros. Take advantage of the opportunities available in a large urban center. Your features start out masculine but well-chosen and applied makeup can help a lot.
Step six: Clothes? Can you at least make an effort to find something cute and stylish that fits? Maybe it’ll cost more but how often will you wear it?
Step seven: LEARN TO WALK! I’ll admit there are plenty of women around here who walk like they are following a plow but that doesn’t mean you should.
Look, guys, it’s pretty bad when this straight guy has to tell you how to do your hobby/lifestyle/real self/however you choose to view it, but it’s just embarassing to see a five o’clock shadow below an antique wig.
What the hell kind of sorry-ass drag queens do you hang out with? In New York, most of them look a helluva lot more glamorous and put-together than 90% of the women you see on the street. You really need to upgrade your drag associations.
(No, I don’t mean “on the street,” I mean—well, you know).
You KNOW I have no social life–these are the ones who show up at WalMart. And I suppose I shouldn’t have high expectations for ANY WalMart shoppers, but what the hell are they doing there? (Yeah, even drag queens sometimes need to pick up some essentials.) There are LOTS of nice places they can go and glory in their freedom with little or no fear of getting beat up. Going to WalMart just seems self-destructive.
And yeah, I’ve come to expect drag queens to be more like the ones on Jenny Jones who are much more gorgeous than normal women. That’s the problem: high expectations and low reality.
(Joke as I might, I really am embarassed for these guys. And for myself, since my reaction shows I am judging them based on their appearance.)
Ummm, if they are shopping at WalMart I suspect they are male-to-female transexuals who are still experimenting and learning how to “pass,” not “drag queens.”
Hadn’t thought of that. With that much facial hair it’d have to be pretty early in the process. And they have no hope of passing (see the above list), even by WalMart’s low standards of femininity, so we’re back to “get some help before trying this.”
If they were true drag queens as you describe them I suppose I’d be too busy staring in rapt admiration (and possibly lust) to suspect there were any unexpected variations in the package.
I know this is a light-hearted, humorous thread, and I don’t want to pee in anyone’s cornflakes . . . But this makes me realize how lucky I was to be born into a small-boned, short family and was able to afford electrolysis. Can you imagine what a transgendered person goes through if they look like George Clooney and are trying to “pass?” What do you tell them: “Don’t get the surgery, because you’ll never pass and you shouldn’t bother trying,” or “get the surgery and have people point and laugh at you all your life?” I’ve been pointed and laughed at, and I know what it feels like . . .
There is a transvestite bag lady that I see from time to time in La Jolla. I doubt that most homeless people are having a really wonderful time, but I think that if I were male, homeless, and preferred to dress in women’s clothing I would find someplace less depressing to hang out than in front of the local A/X.
Eve, a woman I worked with was going through the “transgenderification” process (or whatever or call it). In fact, she was working to save up for the final surgery. She’d already had the hormone treatments and her Adam’s apple shaved.
But she looked like a guy in drag. She used a lot of pancake makeup because she couldn’t afford the elelctrolysis for the beard (even after the hormone treatments). And her facial structure was male (square jaw, prominent brows, etc.) However, after working with her for a few weeks, that became irrelevant and I found myself thinking of her as female. I don’t know, I think it was because she acted female, if that makes any sense. As far as I cared, she was a woman. It was as if all the cosmetic stuff was merely stylistic.
Yes, Eve, the subtext probably has elements of how fortunate you were, as you have excellent bone structure for a woman. On the other hand, as poorly turned out as these people were, and one DID linobody was pointing and laughing at them. Maybe some second glances, but everybody went back to shopping. The Great American Unwashed have a reputation for less tolerance and acceptance than they actually possess and many people understand that everybody likes to be special sometimes and sometimes they also need to pick up some lawn chairs and motor oil. And I have no idea how many were thinking like me that, if you are going to go to all that trouble and risk, do it right.
I loved the OP.
But I suspect that Dropzone is describing a biased sample: the sorry ass ones who LOOK like drag queens. How many are there that he doesn’t recognise as transgendered/transvestite?
Sometimes I DO want to grab the local drag queens! I Do! At the last Margaret Cho concert, I had a really bad cold but hell, NO I wasn’t missing it. Since I felt so bad, I didn’t have the energy to grab that fabulous creature sahay-ing by and yell “That dress! Where did you buy that dress!”
And I’m a straight woman.
Eve, absolutely not. That’s exactly why I believe you and others, when they say they want to go through gender reassignment. Its a commitment that no one would take lightly. The urge to change one’s gender must be huge to make a person want to go through gender reassignment in face of the ridicule they may experience.
Well, I have seen many poorly put together drag queens as well some dazzling ones. But we should not conflate drag queens with transgendered people. Drag queens are larger-than-life pictures of exaggerated feminity. They are not generally meant to be taken as real women, but as idealized, over-the-top tributes to women, if you see what I mean.
TG folks, OTOH, are just trying to match their outer shells with their inner selves. Yes, it’s lucky that Eve was born with thin bones and good facial structure, but even the brawniest, tallest man can change his gender convincingly and fit in with the right clothes and hair styles. It would be nice to become Audrey Hepburn, but sometimes you have to settle for being Janet Reno.
But my POINT is that, with some training and practice, one can look fabulous. Or more fabulous than those sorry gits I was talking about. Or blend in better, if that’s their goal.
You may ask, “Trans-anythings are going to take clothing and makeup advice from YOU, a fat, middleaged breeder who dresses and grooms himself like, well, a fat, middleaged breeder?” Maybe not, but it’s a sign of their patheticness that I KNOW I could do better.
These guys/chicks/oh, Christ, I don’t know WHAT I should call them definitely need some sort of support group. It could be sponsored by Mary Kay–she looked like a guy, anyway. A whole new second market for them. Plain brown packages instead of pink, maybe. Plain brown Pontiacs for the sales leaders, too.
Sheesh, this thread starts out as a rant and it’s turning into a proposal to be presented to a major corporation. Shows why I made a lousy Communist.