My mom’s family had this favor ‘system’ that I hated. They would basically take it to themselves to do me ‘favors’ that I never asked for. That way, I would ‘owe’ them a favor that could be repaid at their whim. To me this was a lame ass way of guilting me into doing things, and ultimately all the useful things I did for them were never so much out of respect, but just trying to get them off my back.
In response to this, I vowed never to use favors as ‘currency’ with my peers. My best friend had a few too many and is stranded at a bar at 2AM on a Tuesday? I’ll help him out, and he doesn’t owe me anything. Another friend needs help installing a light fixture? I’ll do it, and she doesn’t need to make it up to me by installing anything in my house. In other words, favors to me are gratis- you do them out of the goodness of your heart, not expecting to get something back in return. I feel like using favors as currency trumps up the sense of obligation for people to do things for each other; you might as well FORCE them to do it instead of fooling them into thinking they had any choice in the matter.
Well I’d never do something with the express purpose of having some leverage over them in the future. I generally do favors because I do actually get some pleasure out of helping others, especially when they’re in a really tight spot. However, I’m certainly not above “calling in a favor”
Lisa Simpson: “Principal Skinner, remember how I didn’t sue when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well, I’m calling in a favor.”
Thank you! For the longest time, my family had made me ‘convinced’ that if I didn’t play into their BS, I was being ‘selfish’. Personally, dictating a person’s actions through the administration of guilt only harbors resentment.
Exactly. I do favors for my friends because they are my friends, not to get one up on them. When it comes time that I need something, I know they will be there for me, too.
Its just so tacky to lead into asking for a favor with “remember when I did such-and-such for you?” If it’s at all possible for me to do I’ll do it, don’t try to guilt me into it.
As far as I’m concerned, there’s three way I can give out my labor, my money or my resources, any of which a friend might call asking me for a favor:
Sell them. Simple. I do this, you pay me that: I’ll help you sew curtains, you give me $20.
Barter them. Sometimes we know up front what the barter is: I’ll help you sew curtains if you watch my baby so I can go out Saturday night. Sometimes, we may not negotiate specifics, but we’re clear that “you owe me one”: I’ll help you sew curtains, and one of these days when I need something of like value, I’ll ask. This requires a bit of trust on the part of both parties - I need to trust that you’ll pay me back, and you need to trust that I won’t ask something outrageously more valuable.
Gift them. No strings attached. I’ll help you sew curtains, and perhaps you’ll get me back someday and perhaps not. I don’t care, that’s what friends are for. If it felt like a burden, I wouldn’t be giving it.
As far as I’m concerned, a “favor” I didn’t ask for is always a gift. I don’t owe you jack shit except a wake-up call when you try to guilt me into doing something for you.
If I go out of my way to help someone out and they don’t reciprocate (when possible) when I’m in need, I won’t throw it in their face, but I also won’t forget it.
The small stuff comes out in the wash.
Big stuff done for me I’ll remember acutely (f’rex, a friend once loaned me 120 when my paycheck was late and I was down to .87 in my bank account so I could go to an event I’d been planning on for months) and make a point of paying back with interest.
Big stuff I do for people I measure the way Kalhoun does.
I think you need to start throwing it back at them.
“What? You only bought me that nice shirt so that you could gain leverage over me in the future?! That’s disgraceful behaviour. If I do someone a favour it is because I wish to help, not because I wish to blackmail them later. Here, take your shirt back - I refuse to be blackmailed.”
Incidentally, to my way of thinking if a person ‘does a favour’ that wasn’t asked for or needed it’s called ‘butting into someone else’s life’ and not acceptable.
My fathers side of the family is a bit insane. Basicaly they offer favors but always expect something in return. They always owe one another. The value of a favor is never established. While one feels they have repaid the favor the other feels they’ve been cheated. None of them ever discusses feeling they haven’t received an equal favor in return. They just get more and more bitter towards one another. I do my best to avoid accepting anything from them. It simply isn’t worth the stress.
When I deal with freinds and family I have no problems offering my time. Any materials I use I expect to be reimbursed for at my cost.
I never owe anyone any favors. They never owe me any favors.
If someone does something for another person, expecting something in return, it is not a favor. A favor is something done for no other reason than to help the person you are doing it for.
The only person I allow to “guilt” me into doing a favor is myself. If someone has asked me a favor and I don’t really want to do it because I’m feeling lazy, I will guilt myself off my lazy ass by reminding myself of kindnesses done for me by that person in the past.
If I were in the Op’s shoes and a family member offered to do something for me or give me something, I would probably start asking “Ok, what do you want?”
I haaate it when people do that. Especially if you really don’t want it and ask them not to.
Like- if I say I don’t want a ride home and you continue to argue with me until I give in and get in your damn car, it’s extremely unfair to come to me the next day and say, “hey, remember that ride home I gave you? well I need ten dollars for lunch today…”. It’s also very unfair to hold it over me for no real purpose… like complaining later that it was 40 miles out of your way and it made you late for work and you went broke paying for the gas.
When I do favors, the only thing I expect in return is a little bit of respect. I’ve been in many situations where people get used to me giving them a buck for a snack before play practice or walking them through their homework every day or whatever and come to just expect it and take advantage. Once someone does something like takes a dollar from me for a snack when they have their own money or grabs a dollar out of my wallet and tells me later that they figured I wouldn’t mind, I stop doing things for that person.
There are exceptions, of course. If it’s something giant or something I really don’t want to do, there’s usually a “what’s in it for me?” negotiation up front. If I work for you tonight, you owe me one. If I give you twenty dollars for a skirt, we share the skirt. If I do your chores, I get your allowance.
I used to tell employees that I would always allow them time to go do what they needed when the situations at work allowed it. I also told them that there may be a time when I needed to make an “unreasonable” request of their time (a weekend or a long work day) & I would expect that same consideration without complaint. From that point on, they understood the strings connected with a “gift of time”.
Perhaps your family needs to be more up front with the strings attached in such a manner.
I don’t understand people who operate like those discussed in the OP.
I do favors because I like to help people. I do not expect repayment of any kind. As someone else has already mentioned; it all comes out in the wash anyway.
However, there is a limit. I’ve run across a few people in my life who just “expected” me to drop whatever I was doing at anytime and come help them at a moment’s notice on a REGULAR basis. This became OLD real fast.
Emergencies occur, and I’m there in a second, but don’t call me for mundane stuff simply because you forgot to plan accordingly and expect me to drop my plans for yours.
I don’t have a system for doing favors for friends. I help out when I can, but I know when to say no. That works unless people expect favors but never, ever return them–if that happened, I’d quit doing anything for them (and probably not even be friends with them anymore). It doesn’t bother me if my friends say no, because I know they have a good reason. I don’t have this problem with my family, either. We do what we can, and don’t usually demand favors because they’re “owed.”
For me, favors only count as currency if asked for by the recipient; that is, I don’t consider myself owed a favor if I volunteer to do something, even if the person was about to ask.
But I’m contrary in reverse; if someone does me a good turn without my asking for their help, I make it a point to do something nice for them.
I have noticed that different relatinships do have different levels of “favor privledges”. I have friends that I feel comfortable asking big favors from and whom seem comfortable asking big favors from me. I have other friends where there just isn’t a big favor threshold. Some of those are what I would call close friendships, but in each case they are people with really full lives–young children, large local family, lots of other relationships where they have a high “favor privledges/load”. They have an equilibrium going, and don’t need it shifted. So I don’t call them when my car is in the shop and I need a ride,and I tend to assume that they won’t call me (though I’d help if asked and I’d offer if I had a specific reason to believe they needed hlep their current structure couldn’t provide. But I don’t WORRY about them).
Glad to hear the range of responses. I guess the primary reason I asked in the first place is because the system I had to put up with felt very abnormal, at least being on the ass end of it as far as favor debt goes.
What little ‘system’ I have for myself just encompasses what a person is willing to do. If I ask my best friend to help take loads of recycling to a redemption plant, and he says no, I don’t try and force him to do it by pointing out something I did for him. Whether he doesn’t help because he can’t or because he’s too lazy, its fine by me- I wouldn’t have asked in the first place if there was a chance I’d get a response I didn’t want to hear. :o
For the longest time, my family had made me ‘convinced’ that if I didn’t play into their BS, I was being ‘selfish’. Personally, dictating a person’s actions through the administration of guilt only harbors resentment.