My mother is a ‘favor broker’. She feels that it is her job to receive, catalog, demand, and give out favors on a whim. Today a rather annoying example of this behavior occurred.
My mom’s live-in boyfriend needed to do some digging in the back yard. Now, he’s getting a bit long in the tooth, so my mom thought there was no reason to have her boyfriend do something her able-bodied could just as easily do. So last night during my rehearsals, when I called her to ask a quick question she used the opportunity to ask if I could help her boyfriend out by spending several hours digging. I told her that I couldn’t, because I would be busy that morning with both work and play-related stuff, both which had already been committed to. I’d also be very busy all day the rest of the week. My mom didn’t like this news. In fact she got very angry and hostile with me on the phone. This is not unusual- my mom frequently ‘asks’ people to do things when in reality she is demanding they do it. She doesn’t take ‘no’ very well. She accused me of being lazy and thinking of excuses for getting out of helping her boyfriend. I explained to her that her ‘lazy’ son was working three part-time jobs and rehearsing for a play along with searching for an apartment/full time job. :mad:
This morning I felt bad for her boyfriend because ultimately he’d have to do all the digging, and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to help him, I just couldn’t find the time. So I comprimised with her, and told her I’d try to get as much done work/play-wise today that way I could possibly help him tomorrow or the day after. She was pleased with that and thanked me. Well, today I finished earlier than I anticipated, so figuring I should put that extra spare time to good use, asked her boyfriend if he needed help digging. He told me he already finished. Confused, I explained to him the dialogue I had with my mom.
Apparently, he had never even asked for assistance in the first place. He was perfectly fine doing the digging himself, and probably would have thwomped me with a shovel if I even had the nerve to try to help him dig :smack:
Hopefully your mom’s boyfriend will use this opportunity to teach her a lesson* about asking for unsolicited help on behalf of others, although I’m not sure it’ll do any good, given her track record.
I doubt it. The problem is that every favor has to be ‘returned’, and only she seems to fully know the ‘exchange rate’ between favors. Of course this always conveniently works to her advantage- most exchanges involve her doing something incredibly simple (yet necessary) in exchange for me doing something difficult, exhausting, long, or inconvenient. It’s indentured servitude.
Personally, I feel that if you do someone a favor, you should do it to help the other person. But the only favors my mom does are those with the expectation she will get something out of it. It aggrivates me to no end, and makes me balk at asking her for anything, because who knows what I might get sucked into doing in return.
My mom used money as her part of the favor deal. I’m not sure behavior which is worse, your mom’s or mine.
We enjoyed doing things for her, but she always insisted on paying. A simple thank you would have been enough, and it lets the favor-doer feel good too.
She did this with everybody. People who resented being paid gradually refused to do things for her, and then she’d get mad and call them ungrateful.
As family, we wouldn’t refuse, but we’d find ways to get the money back to her. We’d take her gifts and flowers and food whenever we visited. Then she’d try to pay us for those.
I guess she didn’t want to feel like she owed anyone anything.
My Mom’s the same way. She’ll offer almost exorbitant rates for simple tasks. Tasks she has trouble with for medical reasons. That just makes one feel great. And she goes on and on about how much help it is.
Dad’s the opposite, he’ll ask “Hey guys want to go haul stuff for several hours? theres a soda in it for ya”
Incubus - my ex-mother in law sounds just like your mother.
I can’t tell you the number of times she’d call my ex because my sister-in-law wanted him to do something. It never occured to anyone in that family that sister-in-law could call for herself.
Moms (and mothers-in-law) like this are happiest when they are the hub and all the other people in her life are the spokes of the wheel. What seems to be the best way to deal with people like that is to take her out of the equation by dealing directly with the other person who needs a favor. If your mother tells you that Person X wants something done, sweetly inform her that if that is the case then Person X should call you or drop you a line or in some other way let you know they want your help. The alternative if for you to call Person X and discuss what they really want/need.
Never take her word for something without checking with the third party.
Give her attention/positive strokes in some other way so she doesn’t pitch too much of a fit.
Incubus? The first thing you should remember is that, as much as you would like it to happen, the bottom line is that none of us can change anyone else’s behaviour - especially you and your mother’s.
What’s important here is your response. Essentially, it’s a form of anger - but thankfully not excessive in it’s nature.
Anger is often given a bad rap. Both anger (in it’s non-excessive form) and resentment are normal, healthy responses to either a threat, or an injury. And our ego’s get injured very easily you see.
The trick here is to actually talk to yourself when you’re getting angry with your Mom as if you were two separate people. Try and patch into your normal, calm, serene self and then talk to your angry sub-self (who ultimately is only trying to protect you from more hurt you see). Try saying things like “Hey, it’s OK - it’s Mom’s problem - not yours. We’ll be fine… let’s move on…”
Look, I know, I’ve just covered over 100 years of psychology in just a few paragraphs - but it’s true. When we get stressed, it feels like another version of us is taking over, doesn’t it? The challenge is to calm that “other person” down - because you’ll go nuts otherwise trying to change your Mom. Only she can do that, and only after she admits she has issues of her own to fix.
Holy Crap! I take my dear old mother food almost every time I visit, and if she tried to pay me for it, …I can’t find a phrase to describe how insulted I would be. But trust me, that would be really, really insulting. Does AuntiePamMom let you buy her gifts or is it just a series of slow escalation?
Ah, Grandma F. She could never open a present without going on at length about why she didn’t need what she was just given. We’d wait for it. We scored it as a success if she had to pause to work out a reason why she didn’t need it. It bothered her daughter (my ex mom-in-law), but everyone else shrugged it off.
Chocolate covered mint patties were an exception. She believed that no one could have too many. So if you really didn’t want to hear her complain, you had an out.