I’m versatile and adaptive. my wit is quick enough to come up with something more situation-appropriate. Still, most of the time it’s a variation on the theme of my committing some unspeakable act on somebody. I do use sarcasm though. Man, I use so much sarcasm that I imply that the things I say sarcastically are sarcastic. It’s very off-putting.
This is too much fun.
. . . except it’s not.
—AND—
. . . as opposed to. . . .
that definitely sums 20% of the things i say.
Said after someone says something complicated and/or stupid:
“Indeed.”
My long-time favorite is “…and if my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle.” This is said after statements like (while playing Scrabble) “Man, if it weren’t for these letters I’d be doing so much better!” Or “If the offense just played a little better, I know we would have won that bowl game!”
No.
Mine are kinda short; “really”, said with a complete deadpan, or “bummer”, said when someone is talking about something horrible (not a personal tragedy, of course, cause that would be unkind). Actually, I say everything as outrageously as possible with a complete deadpan. People don’t always get me. Then it gets really funny.
Heh, featherlou you sound justl ike me. Which puts me in a predicament, because now I don’t know whether to hate you or love you. .
Well, this isn’t one of mine, but I hear it so much I’ll include it anyway. Quite a few people I knew back in high school used to say “Your Mom” all the time. It got old REAL fast. Then one time my brother said it to me without thinking. The look on his face was the funniest thing I’d seen that year. 
Mine is similiar - “Thanks for nothing, Captain Obvious!” is my common retort.
“Well, I would have gotten it done by now, but my clone isn’t back from the lab yet!”
I look thoughtful and say as authoritatively as I can, “That’s pretty true,” especially when something is mind-numbingly obvious.
Teeming Million: Wow, he’s tall.
Me: That’s pretty true.
Teeming Million: Oh, my. You seem to have fallen down a thirty foot well.
Me: That’s pretty true.
I tend to use:
“And your point being?”
or
to look at who ever might be with the offender and myself and say “obviously someone didn’t bother to share whatever he’s on today.”
Got this one from a friend’s coworker, to be used when someone is complaining (usually about something pretty trivial):
“Oh, just buck up and have a saltine!”
Ummmm…yeah.
My personal favorite is not my own, but from an episode of NYPD Blue. Some radical religious zealot had just run off some incredibly long quote from Hebrews or Isaiah, and finished by givng the book, chapter, and verse.
Dennis Franz, with the deadpan look that only he can give, simply states, “Don’t let the doorknob hit you in the ass,” looks at his watch and adds, “Sipowics, 10:46”
What I usually say to people is:
Don’t bother me with the incredibly obvious, when the merely obvious will do in your case.
When someone says something incredibly pretentious or unnecessarily complex in my prescence, ie:
Windbag: Quantum transportation can occur when the neon atoms in the experiment show proper spin alignment with zero-point fluctuations.
Me: Yeah, but how often does that happen?
I also use “…as opposed to…” sometimes.
When someone says something very stupid, I glare at them with the most condescending look I can muster and say, “If it were legal, I would hunt you for sport.”
When a friend is bitching about their life…
“Sucks to be you.”
When someone says something really, really dumb, I sigh and say to nobody in particular:
“300 million sperm, and THAT’S (punctuated by gesturing toward dumb person) the one that got through.”