Beam me up, Scotty.
Pretty much my whole personality is based around opportunistic quotes of golden era of simpsons, futurama, metalocalypse, 80’s horror/sci fi movies and so forth. I’m sure i annoy and/confuse/enrage most people. But the ones who get it, love it.
When asked to do any unsavory task, I reply (in my best Milquetoast voice) “Oh, all right. But you know I’m not strong!”
(This is a line from “The West Warlock Time Capsule,” the episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents where the taxidermist murders his freeloading BIL and sews him inside the belly of a stuffed horse.)
This is totally a cliché and a meme, and annoying as hell, but my teenage son started doing this, and after a while I started to copy him:
Every time anyone says that they don’t like something, anything, one of us goes, “It’s coarse and rough and irritating and gets everywhere”.
I can’t help it. I’m sorry.
From Fernwood/America 2-Night:
Whenever I hear someone say something really stupid:
[VOICE OF JERRY HUBBARD]: It’s perfectly clear to me!
Whenever I hear someone agree with something really stupid;
[VOICE OF BARTH GIMBLE]: Thanks, Jer.
To defuse any tense situation:
[EITHER VOICE]: Hey, if we can’t kid each other, who can we kid?
It can also be extended to anytime someone mentions a large number. For example, “bake at 350 degrees” will trigger something like “350, 360, whatever it takes”.
Heh. I get that sometimes too.
Also, when someone says “He’s very nice” I immediately think “He’s a very nice prince” from Into the Woods.
Absolutely!
I’m big on movie quotes, and they just pop up when the situation for a particular quote is appropriate. Some time back, my boss was apologetically informing me that he wouldn’t be here the next day because he wasn’t feeling well and was going to the doctor. I said, "Thanks for telling me, but by all means go! Besides, [Arnold-voice], ‘You’re no good to me dead!’ " That got a laugh.
When leaving, I’ll often say, in a deadpan Arnold voice “I’ll be back!”
Probably my worst and most overused offense is when I get the check in the restaurant. I’ll hand it to someone else and say “This is an outrage! if I were you I wouldn’t pay it!” a la Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera.
29 seconds in here:
You don’t find many roundabouts here but when I do, I must say "Look kids, there’s Parliament! And Big Ben!"
If someone mentions it’s Tuesday / asks what day it is on a Tuesday I (usually only mentally) sing "Today is Tuesday, you know that means; we’re gonna have a special guest"
Any mention of the word pony gets “Ven I vas a little girl in Poland, I had a pony”
When I travel around the UK, whenever I go to Cardiff the train route takes me through Newport. Unbidden, my brain immediately goes to “Ymwodraeth State of Mind” (the Welsh parody of “Empire State of Mind”) and I can’t stop humming “…twinned with Guangxi province in China/There’s no province fina/Josie d’Arby’s from Newport/Yes it’s strange we didn’t know either/Thank you, Wikipedia…”
I think of that too when I hear about prune juice.
Another one is that when someone says “I’ll be careful.”, I think of that scene in the Star Wars cantina when the maimed guy with the death sentence on 12 systems replies with “You’ll be DEAD!”
Good news that needs to be shared is always begun with a Farnsworth-ian “Good news, everyone!”
If someone asks what day it is, and it happens to be Wednesday, I’ll go "Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike! Hump-DAY!..
similarly, whenever something difficult needs to be accomplished in our house there will a chorus of
If we can hit that bullseye the rest of dominoes will fall like a house of cards…checkmate!"
Any mention of a dental plan.
Dental plan…Lisa needs braces!
Dental plan…Lisa needs braces!
Dental plan…Lisa needs braces!
Dental plan…Lisa needs braces!
Dental plan…Lisa needs braces!
And in a bad Russian accent, of course.
Whenever there’s a news story about some politician shooting himself in the foot, my comment is always “Bad news for moose and squirrel.” Also in a bad Russian accent.
When my wife asks a question like “Who said that?”, my answer is always “Top. . .people.”
Two of my sons have pirate outfits that they wear to ren faires. I try to teach them The Pirate King’s song, but they’re not interested.
Back to the OP, whenever someone says something really really obvious, I reply with “I am shocked. Shocked!”
I try doing that in emails, but I don’t know if it’s ever appreciated.
Oh, and any time there’s a “Well, doesn’t Louise count?” My reply is inevitably “Only to 10, Mudhead.” Not many people get Firesign Theatre references.
Whenever I hear someone mention “nice,” I think of John Cleese in Holy Grail: “Oh, yes. Eet’s varra nice!”
When my mother told me she’d started watching Star Trek* every night after years of hating the series, I said in my best Dr McCoy voice “Well, at least I lived long enough to hear that!”
*Mind you, the one she watched was Voyager.