Whenever someone suggests that maybe I should see a doctor about something I quote Charlie from Always Sunny.
“Do I look like some kind of millionaire that goes to doctors?”
Just started watcing Dr. Katz from the beginning - “That’s how the getcha!”
Two more from Homer (same episode, I believe):
I finish putting something together or repairing something busted: Let’s take 'er for a test toast!
I screwed up something really bad (in very low voice): This is gonna cost me.
There was that TV commercial some years ago, showing a Mercedes with a crash dummy crashing into a wall and the front end getting squished. It was supposed to show how safe a Mercedes is in an accident. The obvious line was: “That’s the way the Mercedes Benz!”
I got a couple so old I don’t remember where I picked them up.
If anyone says “The curtains were drawn” I’ll toss in “but the furniture was real”
Even more obscure, when a loud plane flies overhead I’ll say “I hope it’s one of ours”.
Who knew curtain jokes were a thing? Your joke is near the top
Whenever a TV news show mentions someone is in the ICU, I always ask my wife if it’s the Peek a Boo ICU. From Car Talk.
From Used Cars, every time I take one - "Pills. What do you need those pills for, old man? "
And every time I negotiate a price, “A ___bucks never killed anyone” or "That price is too fucking high!’
Somewhere in this thread there’s an auto-playing sound snippet.
I’m muting this thread now so I never get reminded of it, and thoughtlessly open it, again.
Whenever anybody uses the word “shampoo” I immediately think “because we couldn’t afford any real poo”.
(Ancient MASH reference)
In that episode - "Give that woman a cigar. " Hawkeye, or BJ, pulls out a cigar.
Hawkeye also does a Grouch Marx bit, can’t remember which one. I think it was “shall we repair to the tent?” and the response from Blythe Danner was “I didn’t know it was broken” stepping on the punch line.
Just found the episode on YouTube. Hawkeye says “My partner and I come with extra table leaves just so we can extend ourselves for you” and Blythe Danner says the last part with Hawkeye while bringing the cigar up to her mouth. That is when I fell in love with her.
It hasn’t happened yet, seeing as I have no human contact anymore, but some day someone will say “I’ll be back”, Terminator style, and I’ll bust out with “you’ll be back”, King George style (Hamilton ref for those who don’t know).
“I’m Osborne. I know everything.”
I picked it up from the 1990s FOX TV show, “Herman’s Head”. It was the catchphrase of the character Paul Bracken (“I’m Bracken. I know everything.”) He had this almost superhuman ability to immediately recall the correct answer to any obscure question, and it was his standard response when somebody asked, “How did you know that?” It became my response to the same question in similar circumstances.
Disclaimer: I don’t actually know everything.
If somebody drops something noisily: “Just set that anywhere.” (One day on the ship a mess cook dropped a full tray of silverware somewhere behind me. I said my piece without turning around; the girl sitting across the table from me leaned over so she could see past me and said, "Looks to me like she set it everywhere.) Picked this one up from a former manager.
Someone asks me a question I don’t know the answer to: “Beats the hell outta me, Roy.” That’s from an old C W McCall song, “Crispy Critters”. (The question Roy had asked was “Which is the hippies and which is the dogs?”)
I think of the Muppet Show episode where someone says “We only use real poo.”
If someone, usually my wife, reads something to me that I can obviously see myself:
“Yeah, I know how to read, Rico.”
(Sadly, my Matthau impression is poor.)
What is that from? When I say it to the all the Captains Obvious in my office, I’ll want to cover my actual disdain by saying “it’s a line from ________”.
“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three” (1974) Walter Matthau to Jerry Stiller.
Whenever someone mentions John Wayne, I think “I installed two-way mirrors in his pad in Brentwood, and he come to the door in a dress.”