Do you know people who stigmatize rape victims?

This thread is inspired by another current one; I’d link to if if I weren’t posting by my phone. Somebody else may, I’m sure.

Answering my own question: yes. I’ve posted before about a friend of mine who was abducted and raped by a family “friend” a few years back. In the aftermath of that horror, she got some blowback from certain idiot members of her family, who didn’t want the family to be scandalized by what had happened to her becoming public knowledge and so wanted her not to press charges. In addition, her idiot husband acted like HE was the one who had been brutalized; it took him two days to come see her in the hospital, and he could barely look at her. (Happily she’s no longer married to him.) And I know guys even today whose reaction to a rape report is either prurient or victim-blaming.

But that’s just me. Anybody else? Also, how do you react when confronted by such jackasses?

I have known people who refused to believe rape victims had really been raped, instead insisting the person was probably lying or had voluntarily had sex and changed their mind.
I tell them they are idiots.

As a woman, I can testify that women can be even more brutal than men when it comes to this kind of thing. Lots of women believe that rape cannot happen in a relationship, let alone a marriage.

Skald, is your friend a member of a culture where a rape victim might “lose her honor” or some similar thing?

She’s a white woman from Memphis, born and bred in the USA. It happened in 2005, so she’d have been 35 at the time.

I have met many rape victims in my current job and I do my best to help them and I certainly treat them with respect. However, due to the job I only really have contact with them at the beginnings of the process and I certainly don’t know what happens later in their personal life. I have never seen anyone have a problem with their family. But then again, those that come forward may tend to be the ones who know they have the support of their family and those that don’t never come to see me.

This proves nothing but around here we have a very large and growing Asian Indian, Middle Eastern and Asian/Pacific Islander population. In my 3.5 years as a SVU detective I have not had a victim from any of those communities. Statistically you would think there is something wrong there. So maybe cultural differences keep those victims from coming forward. I have no way of knowing.

In my personal life I don’t know anyone who has been a victim or treated poorly by their family.

Rape is a crime of intimidation, power and abuse; it’s not really about sex. But because it is sexual, a lot of people want to shame the victim, because they must have done something to give the signal that they wanted sex. These people fail to see the non-sexual nature of the crime.

Another story has come to mind. I can think of at lease two cases since about 2012 in which local ministers in the Church of God in Christ sexually abused members of their congregations and were roundly defended by COGIC types I know, who generally accused of the victims of corrupting the ministers.

I didn’t hear about this until years after it happened, but one of my cousins was raped on her way home from high school by a guy with a gun. My uncle wouldn’t let them file a police report because “what it would do to their reputation.”

After high school, she moved out and really struggled, hooking up with guys who weren’t the best choices.

My uncle was pretty fucked up overall. When he died, there was a debate among his kids if they were even going to have a funeral.

I know there are people who stigmatize rape victims, but I don’t know them, thank GOD!

Over thirty five years ago, while I was still married, a stranger broke into our house at night, while my husband was at work, and he raped me. Turns out I was #4 victime of a serial rapist.

I was divorced a couple years later, but it wasn’t over that. What kept me from hating my ex was that he was caring afterwards, and never blamed me. Nobody else in my family(the ones who know) did either. I got lucky there, it helped me recover.

I’m assuming that the pastors were men; were the victims male, female, or both?

Just curious.

I haven’t heard my grandmother get all the way there to rape, but for anybody sexually assaulted or in any way harassed by my grandfather, it was the victim’s fault within minutes. There was one incident where he grabbed a nurse’s ass, the nurse reacted instinctively with a Backhand from God, and grandma said “next time hit the bastard twice”, but he usually was smart enough to do it when she wasn’t around.

My mother po-poos or even completely denies the attack took place: you’re not someone who’s struggling with being assaulted or harassed or raped, you’re blowing things out of proportion or outright lying. Again I can think of one exception, and it was because the location was one (Asturias) in which she had herself been repeatedly harassed as a teen. She’ll believe any stories of sexual attacks so long as the person attacked is a tween or young teen and it took place in Asturias.

Why am I still talking to both of them? The “nice” answer is that I’ve managed to change my mother’s mind in quite a few issues and, since one of the things she has in common with her happily departed dad is being a “pillar of the comunity”, the change spreads - seriously, within half a month of getting her in favor of SSM she’d in turn convinced a dozen other locally-influential women (in some cases, asking me for help laying out the arguments). They’re the kind of women our local “right” parties are adressing when they talk about the importance of Christian values…
Grandma’s mind isn’t so easy (mostly because my access isn’t good), but it’s been interesting meeting the woman she is without her husband to be paranoid about.

The un-nice answer is that I want to see them buried, since I’m not going to be allowed to feed the corpses to the dogs :stuck_out_tongue:


No. I don’t know anyone who would do that, and if I did, I would not continue knowing them for very long, IYKWIM. That goes for family, too - although I’ve been lucky that none of my close family have ever expressed anything like that.

Oh my god, yes. I am E. Indian. There are plenty of people in my extended family who believe rape victims deserved it. Not all, but they are proponents of the idea that only stranger rape is really legitimate rape.

Were you a servant in a rich man’s household and he raped you? Your fault. Clearly you dressed too sexy or seduced him.
Were you living on the streets and got raped? Have some self-respect, woman.
Were you alone with your boss late at night and he raped you? Why were you working, you should be home making babies.
Were you out with your boyfriend and he raped you? What were you doing dating?
Did your dad rape you? You’re lying, he’s a family man and he would never do that. You’re just too Americanized.
Were you a prostitute and got raped? Fuck you, you fucking whore.

Like that. And the thing is, all of them hold some version of it. Like my dad, he doesn’t hold the more extreme views, but I know he holds some of them. And some of my cousins hold the most extreme views.

It’s horrible and I can’t imagine what would ever happen if one of their daughters got raped. We don’t have honor killings in our family, but most likely it would be hidden and never spoken of - which means it could have happened and we’d never know about it. She wouldn’t get help, she’d just be encouraged to bury it, as if it were her mistake.

I’ve seen plenty of older women stigmatize rape victims or simply dismiss their rape claims if they learn the victim was doing something they disapprove of. Like dating or going out.

My dad used to tell me that “most women who claim to be raped” were doing so to cover up an affair, and unwanted pregnancy, or an STD. He’s a fucking peach. He also told me that victims of domestic violence “like” to be treated that way.
I haven’t talked to him in 10 years or so.
I also worked with an older female teacher who would avidly read any article about a rape victim to see what she did to “deserve it.” She was a bitch.

I live in Texas,what do you think?
However,there is official improvement.
I do remember being 4/5 and playing outside by the road(tiny town) A man in a car stopped,asked"You wanna go get some candy?!" I ran to the house ,told my mom… She wouldn’t call the police,she didn’t want it known that I was a girl that things like that happened to.

Was your grandfather abusive in other ways too? I’m guessing he was.

Not in the hitting people sense, but he was one of those guys who are super nice, you scratch my back I scratch yours… until either you told him you wouldn’t do what he wanted, or he just happened to have a bad day.

For example, his position in the referees association meant that he could bribe one of my classmates into telling him my grades (which merely gave him the “advantage” of having them beforehand, plus the feeling of power - it’s not as if I ever hid my grades from anybody). In exchange, my classmate got glowing evaluations and received assignments to matches close to his house, at convenient hours. At one point I helped that classmate with some exercises, and suddenly he got all ashamed and told Gramps he wasn’t going to spy for him any more. His evaluations became along the lines of “who has let this blind imbecile get so far?” and the matches he got assigned would be 4h from his house, at 8am. He evidently wasn’t a referee much longer after that attack of conscience.

Or, he would be the nicest customer for months, and then one day he’d be in a pissy mood because he’d come to Mass with us on the previous day and found a church full of young people (rather than one empty except for three shriveled old women), and he’d tell the grocer that he wasn’t surprised she wasn’t married with that face, then go into detail about the sexual acts that only a desperate, blind man would want to perform with her.

Yes. Close friends and family members.