“I’m going to go home and play with my ferret.”
Said by now-boyfriend while still in pre-dating, but talking with intent stage. I have since told him how bad I wanted to laugh but at the time I was afraid he’d think I was a pervert.
I want to hucklebuck the Straight Dope Hags
My two favorite cookbook titles:
“How to Turn a Trick a Day with Bisquick” (from the 1930s)
“Be Bold with Bananas” (this has become my motto through life).
Also, two great 19th-century childrens’ books I have actually seen:
“Dorothy Dainty’s Gay Times” (great name for an underground newspaper!)
“Lively Lays for Dreary Days” (I would pay a good deal of money for this one)
You will have to blame my mother-in-law for telling me this. If you add “between the sheets” to almost anything it sounds dirty. Try this on song titles, for instance.
For the office, its easy. Just use ‘fax’ where you’d like to use the word ‘sex’. "i wanna fax you today.’ ‘I faxed you yesterday, can we fax today.’ etc.
** automotive
reciprocating piston
bore and stroke
Rotate her tires.
pulling your load
** liesure activities**
pushing the fast forward button
paddle your own canoe
sink a birdie
scratch the longshot
rolling a stogie
Clearing your spit valve
** Ye olde Tavern sign:**
“Liquor in the Front
Poker in the Rear”
**And my *personal *[favorite **
There’s no place like home base.
**
A co-worker of mine introduced a bunch of us to the “in bed” game. Read your fortune from a chinese fortune cookie and then add “in bed” to the end. It also works with horoscopes.
So are you coming or what?
Well, when are you gonna come?
I came 10 times yesterday, but you weren’t there.
Domestic activities:**
He’s watching his weight
Upping his allowance
Domestic activities** (I just noticed this one in the Preview)
In the kitchen:**
preheat the oven
dunking Oreos
fruit rollups
fold in the whipped cream
choking the chicken
licking your chops**
at the market:**
stocking her merchandise
liquidating her assets
liquidating his assets**
misc.**
skidding down the runway
the waxing moon
lip balm
I called a guy a “dipthong” once.
Sure sounds like something nasty!
What would you rather your spouse got a penalty for - charging or hooking?
We use to play “in bed” with song titles. The
best (if sacrireligious) one is
“Jesus Christ Superstar.”
Also, replace “you” with “ewe” in song titles.
The best one there is the Dolly Parton hit
“You Come Again.”
I was watching a hockey game once, and the commentator kept referring to a player who had “good hands down low”. I laughed every time he said it.
That reminds me of part of an old joke.
A rich, very prudish old man wanted to disinherit his wastrel son and leave his money to a co-ed college.
The son tries to convince him not to. He says quietly, “Father, do you realize at that college the boys and girls use the same curriculum? In fact, they even matriculate together. But worst of all, before a girl graduates, she has to show her thesis to the dean!”
my favorite line
I’d sure like to butter his toast…
Bike mechanic terms:
“So after I reamed her bottom bracket and head-tube and adjusted the nuts on my seat post and mount, I lubed my head-set and looked around for the nipple wrench and chain-whip. . .”
I picked up a non-dirty curse from friends: SACK!!! (Not to be confused with the “sackie”, which is the Sacagawea dollar!)
As an exclamation: Sack!
As name-calling: You meatsack!
As an adjective: That sackin’ thing!
As a verb: Sack it.
Everything Football
Slot Back
Handoff
HalfBack, FullBack, QuarterBack
Defensive End
Hail Mary
and my personal favourite:
He used to be a tight end until he dropped the soap in the shower, now he’s a wide receiver.
I just searched for that Letterman list - “Top 10 Phrases that Sound Dirty But Aren’t”. It wasn’t on there. It must have been from when he was still on NBC. The only one I remember was “Tethering the Blimp”. But, still, I remember it was one of the funniest lists I’d ever seen.
My search did turn up this list, however:
White House Jobs That Sound Dirty
10. Polishing the Presidential Podium.
9. Unwrapping the Big Mac
8 Taking Buddy for a walk
7. Handling the hotline
6. Vacuuming under the Oval Office desk
5. Waxing Air Force One
4. Shaking hands with the French Ambassador
3. Giving the President an oral briefing
2. Taking dictation
1 Polling
Calling someone a “bucket” sounds awful. Thanks
to me, my whole office uses it as the B-word.
“Stupid” replaces the s-word, and “utter or
utterly” for the f-word.
Say “You are a utterly stupid bucket.” Sounds
dreadful.