When my kids were younger, I favored my son. He was the one that was always into things and kept us hopping. He was a little imp, but he still was the one that always took my hand as we walked along, even when he was a little older and I didn’t require it.
Now I tend to favor my daughter. As they have matured and developed their own interests, I find myself having much more in common with her. I love to go shopping with her and watch her play hockey and we talk about friends and boys and things like that. I don’t have much common ground with Tony, since I’m not into video games, action movies, and fast food.
I love both my kids, but I have to admit I like hanging out with Michelle more. Tony is aware of it, but I think he realizes that he is just as important to me, but he and I just don’t have a lot to talk about these days.
For me, the answer was no. When we all teamed up (so to speak), I thought the world of both of them. About three years later, my stepson decided that he would rather be a doper/drunk/thief/liar than a decent human being. He turned absolutely vicious and frankly was a danger to have in the house. We did counseling, rehab, you name it. It got to the point where I was really starting to worry that I would come home to find his mother and sister dead on the floor and him waiting for me with a knife or a gun.
All of that stemmed from his relationship with his biological father. But frankly, I got real tired real quick of having that crap dumped on me as the “substitute” dad.
Funny, I was coming in to say the same thing. A classic post. So glad that Zev has reposted it here. And strange to see that was so long ago. Time flies.
We raised five children, the youngest two are twins, a girl and a boy. When they were about 15 years old, my wife told me that I was favoring the girl and that I needed to pay more attention to the boy (all other children had left the nest by then). I filed the information, but really didn’t do much about it. A few months later the girl started to rebel. One of her claims was that both my wife and I favored her brother. She’s 25 now and still feels that way, even though there is no truth to her claim. She got herself in some trouble and we are now raising her 5 year old son and 14 month old daughter. Her brother isn’t married and has a good job. You do for each differently, so using any kind of comparison is useless.
I believe my parents loved us equally but our personalities meshed better with one parent than the other. This was spiffy while my dad was living, but it made the time after he died just a little more difficult. My mom and sister had each other to not talk to about sad things and pretend nothing had changed. My dad and I were the introspective, talkative ones, so when he was gone, I was on my own with no one to talk to about how I was grieving.
It’s taken about a decade to get to a place where I’ve given up trying to talk about anything except maybe the weather and my sister has isolated herself so much I now have more in common with my mom.
Not at all. Their mother was the type that seemed to find nothing but losers till she met me. I gave them all a stable home life and some family values. We all eat dinner at the table every night together. We all pitch in with chores. My step daughters had Christmas’ and birthdays they could only dream of before I married their mother. The older step daughter could appreciate all this and has called me Dad for years. The younger step daughter chose to steal from me and her mother, lie, cheat, and seemed to enjoy turning our household upside down. Because of false allegations she made about me to the police in an attempt to avoid getting in trouble for shoplifting, I was arrested and spent a day in jail. Even though the allegations were proven to be false, I can no longer coach or referee youth sports because I now have a police record. I could write many more but I think the point has been made. Her standard excuse has been that I don’t show her any respect. In my view respect is something that is earned, not handed out. She has done absolutely nothing to earn my respect. If something was to ever happen in my marriage to her mother and we separated, I would not want to have absolutely nothing to do with her again. On the other hand, her sister will always have a soft spot in my heart.
I baffled my dad, but I know that he found my company enjoyable. He used to visit me every day, just for a couple of minutes, and we’d just sit quietly and chat about stupid stuff. I miss those visits more than anything,
My relationship with my mother is much more contentious. We both have to be on our best behavior to avoid annoying each other.
I am the youngest of six. At times, I’ve been the favorite of one parent or another, as have each of my siblings. Things change.
My sister and I are not close, either in ages, geographically, or emotionally. When we do get together, we always have at least one conversation that goes something like this.
me: Blah, blah, blah, but you know you’re the favorite.
her: Well, some lame excuse, I always thought you were the favorite.
me: I didn’t turn out as well as mom hoped, and she’s always been disappointed that I’m not more like you.
her: Well, at least you are there for her if she needs someone, I can’t be the favorite because I’m never around.
And on and on. “You are.” “No, you are.” “No, you are.”
That’s weird, isn’t it, that neither one of us feels like the favorite. We both disappoint in some way or another. Maybe she’s equally disappointed in us.
Zev - Of all the things which have ever been posted on these boards in the 6 years since I’ve been a member, that post of yours has always meant the most to me. It’s just the best. How are your kids doing now? Still smart and sweet?
Tough question. Need to ask me again in a few years. My eldest girl is 5 and just a great kid. The twins are almost 8 months. I’ll probably always have an especially soft spot for Serena, the youngest, given her difficult birth and all the time spent in the NICU. Those late nights desperately trying to get her to feed with a syringe and prove to the doctors that she could come home. serena lives up to her name and is the quiet content one.
Audrey, the eldest twin, is a happy cubby baby. She’s a stereotypically healthy Chinese type kid (she’s half Chinese but fits the stereotype for a baby here). People, at least in China, tend to gravitate to her. She’s been an attention queen from day 1. Sometimes I feel I have to give more attention to Serena because Audrey naturally gets so much.
bottom line: I love 'em all and would dive on a gernade for any of them. Hell, I was insane enough to take them all on a sleepless 24 hour transit to Boulder CO, and then be up all night as they took turns with jet lag.
I am the middle of five, and the 5th of 10 grandchildren. With my mom, (my dad doesn’t count) and grandparents both, I am the favorite.
Older Brother: Smart. Scary smart. If you get him on a subject, he can talk for hours. A natural teacher. No empathy whatsoever. Basically, he’s an ass.
Older Sister: Beautiful, and an absolute sweetheart. I’d do anything for her, and I know that with any of us, she’d give up her last dime if for us if need be. Complete opposite of my older brother. Her, she’s batshit insane. There’s always some drama with her. My mother is tired of all the chaos. I, on the other hand, can deal with it.
Younger Brother: Can be polite and fun when he wants to be. With him though, he just doesn’t care. Is selfish, doesn’t take other people into consideration. He’s already a junior and he has no plans in life.
Youngest Brother: He’s my only competition. The only reason I don’t think he could beat me is that for the longest time, I have been my mother’s rock when times were hard. Even when I was younger, she could always talk to me. (I’m 18 now).
In my family, the favorite is always appearant. If you’re the favorite, you’re more apt to get helped with stuff. With me, I have the good qualities of my older brother and sister, with none of the drawbacks (any that they know of). And damnit, I’ve worked hard for my place.
Laura and I have lived together (mostly just the two of us) for sixteen years. We’ve been through Hell together. We’ve shared sixteen years worth of secrets and hopes and dreams. I couldn’t imagine loving anyone as much as I love her. She considers me her best friend and I pretty much feel the same way, although with that extra special mom-power. I was so young when I had her that we seem to have grown up together so sometimes it’s hard to draw the line between mother and friend.
Isabella, at almost eight months, has captured my heart already, but I don’t feel that same love yet. I wonder if it will take at least another sixteen years before it gets to the same level.
They’re people, not Lego pieces
I didn’t have a problem with our parents loving us different and treating us different - what irked me was when they insisted that they always treated us the same way. No they didn’t and we could see it! We didn’t want to be treated the same way, or loved the same way for the same things, but we did want our parents to be truthful to us and to each other. It actually worried me that they might think they were supposed to treat us the same… we had different needs, we needed different treatments.
Equality is not the same as homogeneity. Sez I.
My sister was my mother’s favorite when we were kids, to the point where both of them would rub it in my face. I remember once they were talking about going to a dinner. I asked if I could come and my sister said, “No, it’s a mother-daughter thing.” My mother said nothing. There were many other examples of blatant favoritism, but I won’t bore you with the details.
I was a somewhat unusual kid and din’t take it to heart. I thought it was childish and actually a bit amusing, believe it or not. Now that I’m an adult, my mother and I have a good relationship and get along well. My sister and mother, though, don’t get along at all.
Interestingly enough, my sister recently accused my mother of favoring me. “You always loved Lissa more than me!” I haven’t discussed it with her, so I don’t know if it was just something mean to say at the time, or if she honestly feels that way. If she does, it demonstrates an astonishing ability to re-write history.
My brother is by far the favorite. Always has been. Since it’s been just Mom, him and me. It didn’t leave me many options other than to deal with it. Don’t get me wrong, my mother is the FIRST person to badmouth folks that dote on their sons. But dote she does.
My brother has 3 kids (two from a prior) and home schools his children. He and I even kid around and call what mom does the “Brother and His Wife Show.” He can do no wrong. At all. Every decision they make is the right decision. I have never once heard my mother say she disagreed with anything they have ever done. Nothing is ever up for debate. They are Golden.
Me? I just had my first child and have been pretty much beaten up by my mother since I told her I was pregnant. Right now, I am feeling her wrath because I didn’t want my daughter to spend 6 hours in a car seat. I’m an overprotective, yet inattentive mother who will fill my child with neurosis heretofore unimagined. She is genetically flawed because of her father (she has fat genes). My house isn’t tidy enough. I tell my mother that the price of admission into my house isn’t an insult. I’ll let her in even if she says something nice.
It’s tiring. I feel bad for her. She knows what she does is wrong, but she is completely oblivious to it. Everyone in the family knows that you can’t even hint that their might be a subtle problem with anything my brother does without incurring her wrath.
She shows the same boy/girl favoritism to my brothers kids and my brother allows it. I dread having another child. I don’t know if “Grandma’s crazy” is enough of a defense to comfort a wounded child.
