I think this is one of those things where it always come down to degree and context, and you just can’t generalize.
As a rule, we tend to accept that we aren’t always going to enjoy the same things, and it’s fine if we do them separately. On the other hand, it’s also important for the marriage that we do things together and take an interest in each other as a whole person–which means at least occasionally doing something you don’t much enjoy in order to see what all the fuss is about.
The thing, every couple pretty much agrees with what I just said. The problem, as always, is in the details.
I think in a relationship, your interests can be represented by a Venn diagram; on one extreme are the things you like that your SO does not like at all (or vice versa) and in the intersection are things you both enjoy, either equally or close to equally enough to show sincere enthusiasm.
Having your partner be interested in ‘your’ thing is about give and take. Many people here have said they have a hard time faking sincerity/interest. I wonder if it would be easy if it were in the context of “Sure its boring for me to get dragged to her annual Knitting Convention, but she’s willing to join me at Beerapalooza without any complaint even though she hates beer”. If both partners put an equal effort in supporting each other, then it isn’t as much of a burden to go along with something you yourself don’t find interesting.
Problems happen in relationships when one partner expects the other partner to be like their ‘groupie’ when it comes to their own little hobbies, while showing zero interest or consideration for the other person’s interest. This creates a dynamic where the reluctant partner has a hard time feigning interest which either annoys or guilts the other partner.
For me, I find the best way to get my wife more into video games, tabletop games, and the shows or events I like is to put genuine effort in learning more spanish, her Mexican culture, sitting through Telenovelas with her, dancing at Salsa clubs, etc. Its give and take.
Edited to add: I wonder if Bowler Boyfriend showed any interest in his girlfriend’s activities the same way he expected her to watch him roll a 14lb ball for hours at a time. Something tells me I doubt it :dubious:
I like going to Bonsai shows, sporting dog field trials, archery events, local art shows, most any kind of craft etc. My girlfriend likes casinos or bars. I would much prefer we shared interests but I found out the hard way I am better off to go alone. I feel like someone not making the best of a situation they agreed to attend without pressure is a sign of disrespect toward the partner. I always do my best to make my partner feel at ease and not rushed. This is kind of a sore spot with me.
I love spending time with my husband, so most things are going to be a giant win for me if he’s there.
But I do send him to birthday parties alone. Damn, do I hate birthday parties. I can’t work up any enthusiasm.
So when my hatred of an event overtakes my liking for his company, he’s on his own. Most of the time, though, the event is less important than just spending time with him.
That is kind of the example I was thinking of. Mrs. Zeke is a foodie and loves curry in it’s many varied forms. I am not a foodie and am not overly fond of curry.
So Mrs. Zeke doesn’t make curry often but when she does it tends to be curry she likes and I suck it up because she really likes it. I don’t pretend to love it, but I don’t pout. In return she only makes it once a month or so. When we go out for curry (not my choice) I get buffet and pick and choose what I like best (or dislike least) and console myself with the exotic beer choices.
We went to see Gordon Lightfoot a few years ago - I love the guy, she likes Wreck of… and a couple of other songs. I didn’t expect her to be enthralled and she didn’t pretend to be. She did enjoy it on the level of seeing a Canadian Icon live before he can no longer lay claim to being “live”
All in all we had a good time because we both had reasonable expectations of each other and the event.
The poetry reading she went to she went to because I was going to read. We both knew she’d hate it (and she did) but we enjoyed (and still do) reliving the horror that the evening was - except for my portion which was scintillating and profound . She has made it clear that she will never attend another and I am fine with that. M. Zeke was there for my first reading and is off the hook from here on in :)*
I went to her 1st powerlifting meet and enjoyed watching her lift. If not for her I’d never have gone and don’t plan to go to every one in the future. When she wasn’t lifting I entertained myself by watching them reset the stage between lifters, wondering why they did certain things and inwardly laughing at people - fuck it, I’m only human.
Zeke
I should mention that doing things I like alone doesn’t bother me at all so it may be easier for us than others.
He was willing to “put up” with my stuff, as he pointed out to me when the bowling thing became a minor argument. For instance, I like to see stage plays and similar performances, and he’d go with me to see stuff without complaint.
Problem is, I’d been assuming he did like to see plays. If I’d known he was just “putting up” with them, I would have suggested another activity. I don’t like coercing people to do things they don’t enjoy; I get zero pleasure out of that. But he was trying to score points for making sacrifices for me that I didn’t expect or want him to make, because in his love language, “putting up” with things is how you show love.
I do think it’s important to remember what the point of doing something is. I have a friend who is difficult to socialize with because if she’s in a book group, she’s very invested in which book we read; if we go out to eat, she’s very invested in where we go; if we go see a movie, she thinks the whole point of the excursion is the movie. So if any of these things aren’t her first choice–the thing she’d do if she was on her own–she feels like she’s given in, or been short-changed, or something.
Sometimes the point is to sit on the couch and snuggle. Which movie is playing doesn’t much matter. Sometimes the point is to take a long car trip and talk. Where the car is going doesn’t much matter.
But then there’s the other extreme like me, where if somebody asks me what I want to do I freeze in fear and can’t answer because I feel selfish. If we do what I want to do I tend to feel like shit the whole time because I feel like I’m manipulating everyone. You have to have some preferences, because I know my extreme isn’t great either (and it frustrates other people when everything with me is “I don’t care” or “whatever you want”).
Bonsai or archery I’d be willing to check out if Mrs. Zeke wanted to. A sporting dog show is beyond the pale for me though, as would “most any kind of craft” be. Certain craft-type things? sure. A quilting bee? Not a hope.
There are areas that are simply, " I will not even be able to pretend" and in those cases it’s best that I leave it to her and stay home.
She has these areas with me as well. It all works out.
Just thinking about what I wrote. Maybe that could be one difference for people who struggle with this. Some people stay married if. Others stay married in spite of.
Neither is the correct way as they depend on a mix of personal needs and personality styles. Needs can be a deal breaker.
I’m a flexible person and my husband likes predictability. He lives in the world of who, what, why, where, when. And I live in a world of possibilities. I may head out to shop and end up wandering in the greenhouse, then stop by the library.
This is frustrating for him as he needs to know what to expect. So sometimes for us it isn’t so much a matter of what is planned as it is the fact that it is planned so that he knows what to expect.
This is us. The majority of the time it’s fine. It becomes an issue when she says she’s doing one thing, and I plan around that, and then she decides she needs to be a free spirit without letting me in on that fact. Sometimes it’s my fault for not informing her that I have plans. Other times I feel like she’s just being a little thoughtless.
Also, I can’t tell you the number of times she’s completely ruined surprises. Not even kidding. I swear it’s like a 90% failure rate! She’ll do things she’s never done before and will never do again, on any day I have a surprise planned for her. It’s completely demoralizing!
In answer to the op’s question, no. I don’t pretend to enjoy things for the benefit of an SO. That doesn’t mean I would blurt out every single thing but it does mean the person I love knows how I generally feel. It’s not logical that we both love or hate everything the same. That would make for a very boring arrangement.
There is a difference between loving something and supporting a spouse in something they love. That can mean something as simple as a kitchen pass. But knowing how the other person feels seems to be helpful in the long haul.
One time my SO was planning a surprise party for me, and while we were out I decided we needed to visit my grandmother and eat there. He said no, absolutely not, which I thought was very rude towards my grandmother. I came home absolutely infuriated that he was being so rude and difficult, only to have scores of people jump out at me with balloons! :smack:
. She has made it clear that she will never attend another and I am fine with that. M. Zeke was there for my first reading and is off the hook from here on in :)*
She’ll do things she’s never done before and will never do again, on any day I have a surprise planned for her. It’s completely demoralizing!