Just curious.
When I had an SO, yes, I did feel that way. It’s a big part of the reason things didn’t work out for us. We didn’t live together but he was always at my house and he couldn’t just be. If I was in another room he’d constantly be calling out to me; if I was cooking he’d have to be under foot in my very small kitchen. For my part, I don’t feel comfortable *not *“entertaining” someone who is in my home so I bought into it but I felt after eight years together, if he insisted on being at my house, he should have been able to amuse himself if I had something else to do. He is the only boyfriend I can recall having this issue with.
A while back I dated a guy who wanted to be my SO. I wasn’t so sure, right from the start, but he was a good-hearted, intelligent individual and I decided to give him a fair shot.
But he put the entire load of work right onto my back. He’d call up and just say ‘hi’ and nothing else, leaving me to come up with something to talk about and keep the conversation going. Same with dates. He never had anything in mind, always left it up to me. If he watched tv, he REALLY watched it, not conversing or doing anything else - even during commercials.
Before long he had absolutely exhausted me. I had nothing left to give and couldn’t carry the incipient relationship any further, nor did I want to. I told him as nicely as I could that he had simply worn me out. I don’t think he understood the issue at all, but he did eventually find a woman who was as colorless and lacking in initiative as he was and they are happy, so I hear.
After that less than salutary experience, I swore off any relationship that required that level of work. It’s 50-50 or nuttin’.
Ivylad and I enjoy doing things together, but we each have our own hobbies and interests that don’t involve each other. There are some things I go along with because he’s interested in them and vice versa.
Married, 27 years, if that gives any insight.
Thanks for the input so far. I feel kinda like i’m in stillownedbysetters’s situation. My partner doesn’t explicitly ask me to come up with things to do, but he also takes zero initiative to plan stuff. So when I don’t have an itinerary of things to do every weekend, he gets kinda whiny about being bored. We’ve had this conversation before and he’s like “oh I just enjoy spending time with you, whatever we’re doing” but that doesn’t seem to really be true?
I feel obligated when we are on a vacation I insisted we take, or visiting my family. He doesn’t seem to feel that I should feel so obligated, which is nice, but I still continue to worry if he’s bored if and when I know the whole trip was for my sake.
If it’s for his sake, I don’t feel like it’s his job in the slightest, but that’s different.
It sounds like he enjoys doing whatever with you because most of the time you’ll think of stuff to do. That does sound tiring, hopefully y’all can work something out so that at least it’s 20/80 with making plans, even if it never gets to 50/50.
I pretty much gave up going to Doper gatherings because he really hated being in a group of folks he didn’t know and I got tired of trying to make the event enjoyable for him. Conversely, I HATE going to his Harley events, and I really struggle to be sociable. These days, we’re OK with doing some things alone. Luckily, there are plenty of things we like together.
Italics mine.
And there’s the nub.
Wanting to do nothing all day is an acceptable (if limited) way for someone to live. Someone wanting to do something, anything, but insisting other people invent it for them is first-rate crap.
Perhaps try inventing lots of stuff for you to do that can’t involve him. See if when forced to swim alone he does so. Or else he’ll just drown. Either outcome at least you’ll know for sure what you’re up against.
If you’re sufficiently evil, just grin and tell him this weekend you’ve taken up a new hobby: Dominatrix. That’ll whip him into shape in more ways than one. Or should I say “get a rise out of him”? 
My husband’s the easiest person to be with, in this respect. He can be just sitting in a chair, reading, watching tv, or listening to music, and I can be in another part of the house doing whatever. Then one of us may suggest we do something together, or just talk, and we do. No problem or pressure either way.
That’s pretty much how we rock things as well, although on occasion if we’ve been doing our own things for a longer than usual period, she’ll gripe about not doing things together.
But when we’re doing joint things, there’s no expectation that one or the other is “entertaining” the other. The closest that I think we come is that on occasion, she’ll wrangle some child-sitting for an evening or weekend afternoon, and therefore expects that I’ll set the date up. Not quite the same as “entertaining” though. More like “I got us an evening without the kids- your job is to find us a event/restaurant/etc… for us to do during that time.”
How can you be bored if you have a library card?
If you fell obligated, the honeymoon is over.
No, absolutely not! I’m not running a day care nor do I feel obligated to set up “play dates”. He’s old enough to figure out how to entertain himself! If I want to go somewhere, I go, and vice versa. 99 out of 100 times we do end up going together, but it’s ALWAYS been that way.
No. If he’s bored I may try and do something to entertain him, as he would for me, but generally we each have our own hobbies and are content playing or whatever by ourselves. We do a lot of stuff together, but we enjoy that too.
Heck no. He’s an adult, I’m not responsible for his entertainment. He’s happy if I plan something, but I don’t feel obligated to. Actually I would feel pretty resentful if I had to entertain him. I’m a working mom of two kids, ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat!
~Wednesday, married for 20 years.
Sometimes even the most fun, exciting person has their times when they just want to be left alone or they dont want to be put on the spot. Their are times I can be full of funny stores and be very lively but other times I’m not.
I don’t feel obligated, but I do occasionally pull out one of my ukes and sing her a few songs.
Primarily when we are on vacation of traveling, yes. Only, I am forced into it. Here’s how the conversation goes:
Wife: So, what do you want to do today?
Me: Doing X sounds good to me.
Wife: No, I don’t want to do that.
Me: OK, how about Y - I would like to do Y.
Wife: No, I don’t want to do that, either.
Me: OK, what do YOU want to do today?
Wife: You ALWAYS make me decide! :mad:
Just how are you supposed to respond to that? :smack:
“Here’s the papers lady; see you in court.”
I keed I keed!
But you do have an issue there that needs clear adult communication to solve. Absent change choose to eat it or to divorce over it. Don’t stew about it; simmering resentment poisons everything else.