So have you ever had an occasion when you have thought of sex with your SO as nothing more than a duty that you have to do…because its your SO, and they “need” or “desire” it for some reason or the other? Have you ever had that feeling in reverse?
Do people still perform their wifely duty, lieing back and think of England (or Wales, Scotland and N Ireland if you wish)?
Yup, every relationship I’ve been in I felt like that. I’ve never actively desired sex myself so whenever I was in a relationship I only did it because I felt it’s what needed to be done. Hell, I almost married my last bf even though I hated sharing a bed with him and was growing to resent him for wanting sex. But luckily I realized that wasn’t healthy for a relationship and ended it.
Before I made that decision though, when I talked to my mom about not liking sex she definitely said that sometimes you just had to do it because you were married.
I did have one older reletive from a less enlightened time tell me (moving into TMI zone) that he thought the relationships were better when it was done out of a sence of duty. Because apparently the other partner tried to make it worth his/her mates while. Thats a new one.
TMI alert…
I’ve had a few girlfriends who actually enjoyed the idea of of having to do their “wifely duty”. Difficult to articulate this kink, but I’ll try.
These were women who really liked sex. But they had a submissive streak, and enjoyed the idea of being “obligated” to put out. This meant the initiation of sex was different than in other relationships. Rather than one of us asking, or it developing normally when we went to bed, they preferred that I “demand” sex.
Then they could lie back and let me “have my way”, while pretending I was a cruel and heartless beast.
At least, they claimed to be pretending…
I know that both of us have on occassion had sex when we didn’t really feel like it but the other really did. It hasn’t happened often, but does sometimes.
I have had sex with my ex when I didn’t feel like but knew it was something she needed at the time. I’m certain she did the same for me at times.
But if it was always out of duty…there’s no way I would want to be a part of it. It just sounds awful.
I wouldn’t go that far.
woody allen
Once. There won’t be another, for as long as I’ll remember the morning after…
Yes, occasionally. My sex drive is about half what his is, so I do have sex out of obligation, because he wants it, not me.
The wife has little sense of duty when it comes to sex. If she doesn’t want it, too bad. Doesn’t matter how long it’s been. Her sex drive is on low, mine is on high so it’s a tough match up there. However, on the few occasions she has been willing to do it “as a duty”, I’ve declined. I might make the advances but once i feel like she’s doing it as a favor, I lose interest. If she’s not going to be into it, I’d rather do it myself. So…even though I don’t get it as often as I like, i’d rather go without than think i’m doing it with a disinterested partner.
I think there’s an important distinction to draw here, in that there’s a fundamental difference with someone who wants to accommodate their partner even if they’d rather not (at least initally), and a person who basically says, Oh, fine. Let me lie down and you climb on top but hurry up because this annoys me, and I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY NOW. Like anything else, there’s a way to do it (har!) and kind of roll with it (har har!), and a way to make it very clear that you consider it (whatever it is) to qualify you for personal martyrdom.
The former is fine, IMO, and into every relationship a little of this must fall. The latter is selfish, obnoxious, and sometimes wounding to your partner, and a person doing it deserves a good kick in the pants.
Yeah. Often when I initiate with my girlfriend she’ll initially say she doesn’t feel like it but after a little persistence she’s literally begging for it. That seems to happen a lot. On the rarer occasions where she really doesn’t want to , it’ll be clear enough and I’ll more or less lose the urge and back off. Once in a while this even happens with roles reversed although I admit that is the exception and not the norm.
Once or twice, but I’m a guy and it wasn’t a husbandly duty as we were never married.
I’ve done it when I wasn’t really in the mood, but wasn’t unwilling, and the boyfriend in question really really wanted to. I didn’t see it as “duty” exactly since a) I’ve never been married and b) it was only on somewhat rare occasions and c) I think if sex ever becomes nothing than an obligation then it better not happen at all. If I’f never wanted to have sex with somebody I wouldn’t have had sex with him, but if I was just feeling a bit blah on occasion, what the hell? Why not?
This goes for any future relationships as well.
TMI
I was off one day when my (ex)wife had to work.
She had woke up late and was in a rush to get herself together and off to work.
The whole time, I’m lying in bed like the Sultan of leisure, whatching this all go down; rather amused.
Just as she was heading for the door (in a rush), I jokingly whiped out my junk and told her “Come on baby, take care of this before you leave.”
I’m sure you can imagine my surprize when she actually complied! (With a BJ)
As for me, I’m always horny so the concept of doing MY duty is a foriegn one.
Yes.
For the last 3 or so years of my last relationship, I was pretty much phoning it in. Then one day I realized that I didn’t want to live my life that way.
Yup. Very depressed girfriend, who needed to be consoled while she sobbed for hours and then would become amorous - every night. Mouth full of cold mucous, hey, let’s have sex!
That got pretty wearing.
I lived that life for 20 years and it predictably finally ended in divorce. It wasn’t the key factor, but it was high on my list. Procreate, don’t recreate. Missionary only. Dark only. Reduced to practically begging. I only wish I’d left after the first year instead of waiting 20.
Yeah, it happens. My sex drive isn’t what his is, so we compromise. He gets it less often than he wants, and I get it more than I want (I don’t actively dislike it, it’s just not a compelling thing most of the time.) That’s life.
Pretty much the same with me. I am always the aggressor in the relationship. Although, just before my last marriage fell apart I became the one being chased and had to service her as a duty. It didn’t last long and wasn’t the way I preferred it.