Now and then, after a rough day or when I have a lot on my mind and I’m tired, I just want to be alone and “check out” for the evening… maybe just quietly zone out in front of the TV and go to bed early after dinner. I simply want some peace & quiet and to be left alone.
Does this happen to you? What do you say to your SO at these times? Do you assure your SO that it has nothing to do with him/her? How does your SO react at these times?
It happens to me a lot. I need more alone time than my SO, and we’ve been together long enough that he can usually tell when I need it. Otherwise I’ll just tell him that I had a bad day and really need some peace and quiet.
In the beginning of our relationship I think it was hard for him to understand, but he knows me well enough now not to take it personally.
I’m looking forward to buying a house so we can actually be in separate rooms and still do our own thing.
It’s come up a few times since we started living together. I need time to myself pretty regularly, otherwise I start getting restless and irritable. When I finally talked to him about it, he looked at me like I was crazy. “Do what you feel like doing, then. Why don’t you just say ‘no’ when I ask if you want to do something with me if you’d rather do something else?” It’s hard for me to do that, though. I feel like if he’s home, I ought to be spending time with him, so I appreciate the nights he works late. I’ve had nights where I’d rather just go to our bedroom and read and he’s fine with that; he checks to see that I’m feeling fine and leaves me alone.
He’s had nights like that, too, where he’s tired, had a rough day and just wants to zone out and do his own thing. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’ll make sure nothing serious happened and look at it as time to do something on my own.
When we talked about my needing time alone, I did assure him that it had nothing to do with him, but he didn’t seem concerned about that at all.
It hasn’t been easy, particularly early in our relationship, but I think it’s now got to the point where she understands that I need some space and doesn’t see it as rejection. Earlier on, it was much more difficult for me to ask, because it seemed to her that I was pushing her away, and she is definitely someone who needs more reassurance and closeness than I do.
Now, though, I just have to ask, and if she’s disappointed, she says so, without making it into emotional blackmail. It’s honesty all round, and works for us.
I think it’s an old American Indian legend…every man needs a cave.
Ivylad will say every once in awhile that he’s going into his cave. Sometimes, when he’s mopey, I’ll ask him if he’s in his cave. If yes, then I do not bother him anymore. If he’s not, I’ll still leave him be, but I won’t fear to approach him.
I also relish the times I have the house to myself. I love my family, but it’s nice to have a few hours of alone time.
Yep. Happens to us semi-regularly. Usually when the wife needs some alone time she’ll ask if I don’t have something that needs doing in the garage, which is a polite way of saying “Get the hell out of the house, you’re driving me crazy!”
My SO and I live 2 hours apart, so we survive on phone and IM conversations between visits.
Last night I texted him after I went to the gym, knowing he’d be going at 7, and told him to get back to me when he’d like to talk - we often talk around ten pm. He texted back saying he had a bad day at work and didnt want to think about anything, just go to bed.
Since this doesn’t happen often, and he gives me a true reason why he feels that way, I just say “okay baby love you hope your day is better tomorrow talk to you then.” He’s not a jerk about it and I know he hates discussing his problems with anyone - I wish he wasn’t that way but it’s how he is - so I give him his spacewhen he needs it.
Unless I’m sick and feel gross I don’t like to be alone very much. Just having someone else in the same room helps, even if we’re not talking really. I am planning on broaching the subject of cohabitation soon, so we’ll see how all that will go. 2 bedrooms will be a must so he can have an office area to zone out and play video games in, because he also often likes chill time after work, which is not a problem now because we don’t talk that early in the day.
I just had this happen last night. I had a crappy day and was feeling tired and grouchy. So I just said, “I need some quiet time tonight” and he left me alone.
It sometimes was hard to say at first because I didn’t want him to think I was pushing him away, but we’ve talked about it and come to the conclusion that it’s better for me to say it plainly and simply like that than to get grumpy and to be snippy and bitchy toward him.
When I need alone time, I say: “Hey, going to take some alone time now.”
When he needs alone time, he says: “Hey, going to take some alone time now.”
I won’t speak for everyone, but at least in our relationship, we definitely need private alone time away from each other (and the kids) every so often. I think it’s crucial for mental health. When necessary, we actually schedule it.
I announce that I’m going to go hibernate and stick him with getting the kids into bed on his own. We can usually tell when the other is about to crack, and will say “Why don’t you go hibernate for a while? I’ll take care of things.”
I have a cave just like Ivylad and my wife does the same thing. I love it when she can leave me to my ‘rocks and reading’…it really centers me and allows me the alone time I need. We call it Rocks and Reading because I’m a rockhound and I love to read, and in my little cave I have walls filled with books and cool rocks with magnifying glasses and some artifacts I have collected over the years…it’s my little hobbit hole with pipe and pipe weed as well - my location is no coincidence.
I say “I’m busy doing something” and start ranting about personal space and boundaries and whatnot. Then she’ll give me a hug and say’s that I’m acting like an “unruly gorilla”. Usually, we’ll go off to our separate rooms of our one bedroom appartment. Me on the computer in the “man corner” of the bedroom and her in the living room with the giant HDTV. But every 45 minutes one of us goes into the other room to “move soup cans”. Basically a euphomism we came up. Every time she wanted to see me while I was doing something in the other room, she will come in and poke around for a little bit until she has my attention. I would ask “do you need something?” at which point she would look around and say “I just came in to…move those soup cans (that she used as makeshift weights for working out)” and then she would scurry out. So when I would go bother her she would ask me if I came in to move some cans.
Sometimes between the two rooms of living space and her ghetto soup can weights, I forget that we both make very high salaries.
My husband wants to drive me everywhere. I don’t really know why he thinks I need an escort for every little errand, but I don’t get the sense he’s trying to control me, so I don’t complain. Every once in a while, I do get out alone, and everything’s fine.
Show her this thiread and let her know it is totally normal and natural to want some alone time, and that it doesn’t mean you love her any less…Early in my relationship then marriage we had to get over this - it’s been over a decade and we’re stronger for giving each other the time and space we both need.
Our relationship is very similar to this, and it used to cause some friction. Now I have finally been able to have her understand that I’m not rejecting her, I’m just not good company at the moment. I will also schedule days off so the whole family will be away giving me some blessed alone time.
Makes me realise how lucky I am. The Boy is totally okay with the fact that I’ll sometimes come home after a rough day and need to play hermit for a while, mostly because he has those days too and knows that I’ll happily do the same for him when he’s in that kind of mood.
I have a few friends who just don’t understand this at all, because to them being in love means spending every available waking moment doing stuff together (this, by the way, is my definition of hell). I’m guessing your SO is of a similar mindset, hence her being hurt by the fact that you are choosing to be alone when you could potentially be with her.
Maybe you can find a compromise, like being in the same room but doing a quiet activity like reading or watching TV? This way, she gets the closeness, while you get some quiet time to unwind.