Do you regret having kids?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I think my wife and I had kids too early as well. I knew I wanted kids, but I felt a bit cheated when we had our first just 15 months after we got married. Suddenly we were broke all the time, couldn’t go bar hopping and we were always tired.

However, I now look at it as a blessing. By the time my youngest goes off to college I’ll be around 45. I’ll be making some decent cash, yet still young enough to enjoy my free time.

I love my kids and have no regrets, but I am looking forward to free time and alone time with my wife.

Though there have been times where I could really understand why someone wouldn’t want to have kids. I won’t begrudge anyone that decision. I don’t feel as if my kids are my life. They are a part of my life, definitely. But not the whole. If for some reason I couldn’t (or didn’t) have kids, I don’t think my life would have been any less fulfilling.

42

Oh god. I think I love her. I have no children, by choice, and get asked about this a lot, especially at work. I’ve had patients ask me, and once, even my boss. And just saying that you don’t think you’d be a good parent either gets the look like you’ve just admitted you’d snort coke off the baby’s stomach and offer him the rest/leave baby in the car while you bought booze and gambled, or you get the head-patting response of how you don’t know that and “it’s different when it’s yours” and so on.

Excuse me for believing that babies should be born to those who truly want babies. It’s not like you get to return them if you change your mind or something.

To the OP: I’m 40 and still, happily, without kids. As for growing old alone - my husband’s usual response to that is, “Having kids isn’t a guarantee against that.”

Do what you feel is best. Don’t force yourself into anything that you don’t feel good about.

43

I have a son who’s 21 and pretty much a bum right now, but I love him like crazy. If I could go back and do things over again I’d have 5 more kids, but I’d start having them earlier when I still had the energy to keep up with them. The 9 months of pregnancy and labor pains is all worth it to me.
This is just my opinion, I don’t try talking people into having kids if they don’t want them.

44

“Miss Lillian” (Jimmy Carter’s mother, for you young 'uns) once famously remarked: “When I look at my four children sometimes I say to myself, Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin.”

45

No regrets at all. (And I have never been “aimless.”) Yes, my kids are hard work. But they are also worth it. You don’t get great rewards without effort, right?

This week has been extremely difficult; my husband was laid off Tuesday, I am getting settled in a new job–which is small and will not cover the bills, but I’m glad I have it!–and I’ve had my two nieces here this week too. Today I am thrilled to bits that I get to stay home and just be with my own two kids, without a bunch of extras around or having to run all over town all day like we’ve done for the past little while.

46

Yeah, a few people have misinterpreted my comment (or maybe it is I that chose my words poorly). I merely meant that often people don’t THINK they have much going for them until they have kids, then it all starts clicking (at least that’s what I’ve heard from several people).

47

Sometimes I wish, from a very removed perspective, that we hadn’t had kids. It’s more a wistful, “Jeez, it’d be nice not to even have to worry about this.” But then I think of our kids and I would never wish not to have them.

I still remember my son’s first sleep-over at pre-school. My son was excited because he got to stay up later and eat popcorn and watch movies. My husband and I were excited because it’d be “just like before he was born.” It wasn’t. The house felt empty with him gone, even just one night. We tried really hard not to, but we talked about how he was doing his first night away from us. It was like I was suddenly missing an apendage that I hadn’t realized I had. I hardly slept and woke up three hours before we needed to pick him up, raring at the bit to get him.

That pretty much summarizes how I feel about my kids: sometimes they’re so exasperating that I fantasize about how easy things were when we were childless. Then something makes me really think about not having them, and it’s like something is missing.

That said, I think anyone who pesters you to have children is a jackass, whether they know if you’ve made the choice not to have kids or not. But in the same vein, I see red when I hear the term breeder.

48

I didn’t have kids, and for me it was definitely the right choice. I recently got married and my wife has two grown kids (20’s). Her son is married and has a 3 year old and a 6 month old. I have gotten use to having them around on weekends and am much more comfortable around kids than I ever was. However, having these kids around only makes me glad I never had any of my own.

49

I agree with so much of what you’ve written.

I never, ever regret my kids. Some days, I regret not having endless supplies of patience and tools at my disposal to make it all work.

But you know when you’re dating someone, especially in early days, and you’re going to see them later that day and you get all giddy-feeling? I feel that way most days, going home to my kids. They’re frickin’ awesome.

And I do kind of get what you meant by “aimless”. I think I always thought life after having kids would just be the same as before kids, but with the addition of a few small people. I was very wrong.

50

As others have mentioned, it’s a mixed bag. There have been times when I regretted having children and other times when it was a delight to have them in my life. Now that they are grown I can’t imagine life without them.

Both have announced that they don’t plan on children and I commend them for knowing and standing by their decisions. My daughter is nearing forty and unattached at present. I don’t think she’ll change her mind. My son actually lost a sweet girl who was like a member of our family because she wanted to have children. So I’m fairly certain he’s firm in his choice.

What I really regret is not having grandchildren! But there are so many people having kids today which they don’t want and can’t support in a healthy manner, and the world is a pretty unstable place today to bring a child into, that I think they have made wise decisions in their cases.

51

Completely meant for myself only. In all of Canada I have a total of 18 family members. This includes parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews: everything. We are spread out over a few thousand miles too, and I hardly see anyone. Without my own immediate wife and two kids, special occasions would be pretty darned boring.

52

The whole subject is touchy. I was trying to pick a post to quote on the way in and this serves as good as any.

The abstract of raising kids is like comparing someone who’s never seen snow and an eskimo.

Are their lives different? Yup. Are there serious issues in dropping a lifetime maui-dweller on the polar icecap? Yup. Is someone better or worse for never seeing water in it’s naturally occurring solid form? Nope.

To answer the question: **Do I regret having kids? ** Never for very long.

I have two 7 year old boys. Just last month my wife said the prophetic statement: “I don’t think I’m pregnant…but I think I’m late.” And threw me into four days of thoughts I thought I’d never think again. Diapers, One more College Tuition, many sleepless nights, financial hardship.

My Wife asked me if I’d be happy or sad if she were pregnant. I said yes. If she was, I’d be happy and sad. If she weren’t, I’d also be happy and sad. We’d done it before, and we could do it again.

I look at my kids and think ‘How very happy I am I know this person.’ But then, I ALSO look at them and think ‘Honey, I’m sorry I gave you boys…they don’t think, and near as I can tell, they won’t til they’re 24.’

Your problems are your own. They’re valid whether they’re dealing with paying for braces, or whether or not you can swing that vacation home, or is it time to put the dog to sleep. I really REALLY miss our pre-kid earning potential. Discretionary no-think purchases started at $200 or so. Now I sweat every $20 bill. At the same time, I think part of that is the economy, and partly because my wife is working part time…taking care of the kids. But the whole family is much less stressed as a result.

Will you die alone? EVERYBODY dies alone. My grandfather, at 95, saw three full groups of friends die out before he did. That debate point is a non-starter.

Our modern society is VERY far removed from the caveman, stoneage, eat or be eaten way of life. Interacting with the world at that level is rare. The most powerful emotion I’ve EVER felt was when I held my first son, for the first time. It was hard to describe but it felt like DEEP DARK SLOW MOVING WATER. That kind of fear when you’re looking over the edge of a boat and you can’t see bottom.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done, was take care of a kid barfing and crapping out both ends. He couldn’t keep water down, you had to give him no more than a tablespoon at a time, and you had to wait five minutes between spoonfuls, or he’d throw it back up. This was two days after rushing the FIRST kid to the hospital for the same thing…at least there, they had him on an IV…now we knew what was going on, we had to ride it out. Every 5 minutes from 1:30am til 7am.

The thing with Parenthood is: it’s not about liking or not liking it. Parenthood is: You must do it, because you’re the parent. There is no question, because nobody asked you if you want to do it. But you get through it, and parts of it are so very worth it.

Unless you don’t want kids, then that’s just fine too. Just realize that some of the sour grapes are because you have problems I’d LOVE to have. 401k underperforming? Had a flu-bug on your cruise to Jamaica? Forgot to send in your quarterly tax statement? I’d love to be in your position, but I made a choice, and I’m living with the result. I had one friend agonize if he wanted to drop $12k on a racecar and trailer. I had another friend agonize about dropping $18k on a pair of propellers for his plane. Needless to say, I couldn’t relate.

53

People are wierd. At 28, I didn’t want kids. Period. At 30, my biological clock was THUMPING LIKE FCUKING MAD!

And the second the kids were born, that biological clock up and skipped town, the bastard.

54

I probably shouldn’t have had so many, but regretting it is like wishing them dead, IMO.

55

There’s this scene in the Little Women movie where Winona Ryder’s character has to get up with one sick kid, then another walks in to the bathroom and pukes, and soon enough all 4 kids are in the bathroom expelling at both ends and crying and screaming and whining for Mommy, and every time I see that scene, I get this feeling of horror. I don’t know if it’s on the part of all those sick kids, or on the mom who has to take care of them. Just thinking about it makes me want to start crying. Maybe just the sheer helplessness of all of them.

56

I’d absolutely positively do it again, and pretty much in the same way. Both our kids are grown and out of the house, and we enjoy our kidless time, but no way would have I preferred it over having kids. Our kids, by being free and independent people with their own interests and talents, brought us to places we would never have gone ourselves.
Some of the places we’ve been to we’d never have gone by ourselves - agents’ offices in NY, TV show sets, craft services trailers, horse barns, behind the scenes at horse shows, a little university town in Germany, guide dog puppy kennels - and so much more. Four interests are so much wider than 2.

Add to that seeing their happiness and accomplishments. Seeing them graduate. Hearing about the older one’s research. Seeing her teach her part of our tutorial.
And not to mention having kids made me think about the future. Planning for college for the first when she was still very small got me planning for myself a lot better, something I’m very glad of now I’m 59.

Sure we’d have more money without kids, and we might have gone on some different vacations, but all in all we’d be a lot poorer without them.

57

You just reminded me of a lugubrious situation when our infant son had colic. He’d been crying for days and his father and I were nearly at our wit’s end. Three in the morning found us sitting in the living room with a red-faced, angry (and hurting) baby when the toddler came in sobbing and said, “Won’t you make him stop crying?” and that set both of us off with the tears too. Thinking back on it, it was right out of a sit-com.

One of the neat things about all that stuff that seemed so earth-shaking at the time - you can laugh about it later.

58

Spending a night in ICU recently watching my daughter sleep and hoping she would wake up was enough to remind me how much her and her sister mean to me. Although I can see many reasons to live a life without children, once you’ve got em, I think it’s rare to regret them.

59

I have 2 words for you - colonidine. :wink:

seriously, see if the children’s hospital in your neck of the woods has a sleep clinic or doctor that specializes in sleep disorders.

after years of permanent ‘jet lag’ that took a huge tool on my entire family, Serena is now sreliably going to sleep and sleeping through the night.

I have twins and a twin with special needs. and she is special in so many ways. The price one pays as a parent of a special needs child is in a class all its own.

I would never try to answer the OP’s question.

60

[quote=“Unintentionally_Blank, post:52, topic:554065”]

The whole subject is touchy. I was trying to pick a post to quote on the way in and this serves as good as any.

The abstract of raising kids is like comparing someone who’s never seen snow and an eskimo.

Are their lives different? Yup. Are there serious issues in dropping a lifetime maui-dweller on the polar icecap? Yup. Is someone better or worse for never seeing water in it’s naturally occurring solid form? Nope.

To answer the question: **Do I regret having kids? ** Never for very long.

I like what you wrote here. Very much so. It’s honest and raw. It’s how I try to function in my life. I think many of us can relate to much of what you wrote. Reading it has left me in a very thoughtful mood - which happens often. Especially around this time of night. Thanks for sharing yours.