WTH?! Still not sure what I’m doing wrong when I respond to a post. My response isn’t separate from the boxed in quote that I’m commenting on, and so it is hard to distinguish it.
That’s a pretty big assumption.
To some people.
I’m a 43 year old woman, and I don’t like kids, and I have never wanted to have one. I don’t think kids are wonderful and delightful; I think they’re unpleasant and irritating. OP, you and everyone else are of course free to hold the opinion that kids are wonderful, but please be aware that is is ONLY an opinion, not a fact of life. I haven’t regretted not having kids for a second so far.
Regarding your question, you basically can’t get a straight answer on how many parents regret having kids, because they’d cut off their own arm before admitting it in the Cult of the Child world we live in. There was a highly-debated anonymous study posted on Ann Landers years ago that said that 70% of people regret having kids.
I do not regret having children. And, having had them, I know that they enriched my life.
BUT, if I hadn’t had them, I could live with that pretty easily. They are great, but I would not know that.
As an example: Before having kids, I thought having kids would be a little bit like having pets, more intense, of course, and they’d be around longer–but a little bit like that. It’s nothing like that. But if I hadn’t had them I would still think that.
Not at all, the exact opposite really - my life is better and more complete with Sophie in it. The only thing I regret is each passing day, knowing that that’s another day closer to the time when she leaves my care and ceases to be a daily presence in my life.
[Early Cuyler]Thems that we know about, thems that we don’t or thems that we claim?
You’ll getta diff’ernt answer in each case. 'Course, this only applys to the mens.[/Early Cuyler]
I only had kid. She would have liked a sibling but I think she’ll see my point if she ever has one. Her dad didn’t want more and I wasn’t about to “surprise” him.
I’ve got a couple of childless girlfriends, neither has been able to conceive and they vary between being glad about it and not. One of them was out mowing her lawn on Mother’s Day and someone shouted “Happy Mother’s Day” to her. It’s just an assumption now that the kids have left home - she’s 42, so it does ease off. Whether it’s your decision or your body’s it’s bloody rude to comment on.
This survey is an example of bad statistics. Not only was it not scientific, but she didn’t go out and poll individuals, she asked people to write to her. Of course those who were dissatisfied responded in higher numbers! This PDF explains the problem with Ann’s survey and suggests that proper sampling puts the number of people who regret having children under 10%.
Just the way this thread is skewed - the Dopers who regret having kids aren’t likely to post about it.
I’m not completely surprised about the number but I am a little surprised it exceeded 50%. I’ve had more than one women admit to me she regretted having children and it certainly wasn’t a function of not loving them. It was an acknowledgment that is an extremely difficult job that is often rewarded by 18 years of daily strife. If someone put in craigslist ad looking for a full-time cook, maid, and teacher who had to pay for the privilege there would be few takers.
When I was in my late teens I actively worked through the mental process of what it would take to have children. I did the math and plotted out what it would take to recreate what my parents provided me. It wasn’t so much a function of money but I did realize back in the 70’s that society was transitioning from a single income household to a dual income household. It has always been my feeling that one person should act as primary parent for the early years of a child’s life. The logical stance would be to spend the early years of a marriage building a financial base to make that happen and then have children.
I suspect the Ann Landers survey reflects the reality of having children without fully realizing the commitment involved.
I don’t think it’s a mutually exclusive thing. I can ‘regret’ having kids, where it’s a 2 on a scale from 1 to 10. I can LOVE my kids as a 9.5 on that same scale.
Do I regret having kids? Occasionally. A Little. (2) Do I LOVE my children and am I happy I had a chance to meet/raise/take care of/teach them? Yes. Absolutely. (9.5)
Are there people that regret having them more than that? The statistics for child abuse, adoption, et al. say yeah…and they do so at a much higher point on the scale? Obviously. Is it 10% or 70%? I dunno…‘I regret having kids’ is such a malleable statement. I regret it, but it’s okay, or I regret it so much I’m going to stuff them in a sack and throw them in the river. See what I’m getting at?
The question the OP asked was pretty well designed to attract responses only from parents. And the vast majority of those are gonna say that on balance, they don’t regret having their kids.
If the OP was looking for support in a decision to be child-free, the better qustion would be to ask what people who are childfree think of their choices. We’ve done that fairly recently here Childless and old? Are you satisified, or regretful? - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board
I haven’t read any of the other responses yet.
No, I don’t regret having kids. At all. It isn’t for everyone, it’s a big decision, a huge commitment, blah, blah, blah. Best thing I’ve ever done in my life, bar none.
Marrying my wife is up there too.
I have 1 child who, while very much wanted, was a surprise.
I don’t regret having her. She’s one of the few things I’ve done in life worth anything, and I know in 100 years nothing else I do in my lifetime will matter - except how I raised her and what kind of person I let loose on society.
I do wish I had finished college before having her. The toddler years would have been more fun if we’d had more money.
Marge Simpson: “Maggie! You just threw up in my purse!”
Lindsey Negal: “Aww that’s too bad. The only thing I have in my purse is ‘disposable income’”.
I suspect that no one with kids is going to say they regret having them (even if they do). That would make them monsters after all.
I haven’t decided one way or the other, but lets just say there isn’t a burning hole in my life that I think needs to be filled with a child.
It would have been easier, more fun, if I’d had friends and relatives with kids around when I had mine. (Like life in a Kool-Aid commercial, cute little people playing in the kiddy pool, block parties, cookouts, coffee klatches.) We were sadly lacking in friends and relatives with kids, though we did lots of activities through school, scouts, and church. It’s not much fun without a network to share the highs and lows… Speaking of which, the highs are infinite. The lows know no bottom… 24/7, 365 days a year, from birth to old age, you will be a parent, no matter how many date nights, time carved out for yourself, etc. and your child will forevermore be in your mind. And your heart. For good or bad.
I never regret having kids (one daughter, died at 4 months, three sons, 11, 9, and 4), but there are times when I don’t like being a parent very much.
I get the opposite of post-partum depression. After each baby I’ve been granted a fabulous hormonal wave of euphoria that is pretty much the best feeling imaginable. So good it’s almost worth summoning one more human being into existence. Almost.
The thing I don’t like about being a parent is the parenting. I love the kids. But I hate having to feel like how they “turn out” is my doing. I hate having to make them do stuff…brush their teeth, do their homework, go to bed, and I really really hate dealing with their picky eating and feeling like it is also my fault.
Oh god and the noise they make sometimes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shrieked “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” in my head and the holes I’ve bitten in my tongue to stop from screaming it aloud.
I like to read memoirs of horrible childhoods so I can feel like at least I’m doing better than the author’s parents.
If you don’t want them don’t have them!
I had my kids (two were a surprise and one was planned) fairly early in my life. I will be 44 when my youngest graduates and only 34 when my oldest graduates. I used to have regrets on the things that I “missed out on” in life. Then I realized that I’m only taking a different path, I will have plenty of time to do whatever I want when the kids get older. Like another poster mentioned, it would be nice to have other friends and/or family members with kids the same age as mine. A lot of the time I felt left out because I had to stay home with the kids while my friends were out living the single life. But if I had the choice to either have kids or not…I’d definitely pick my kids.
As for my best friend, she and her husband have decided to not have children. They own a business and barely have enough time for themselves, let alone a family. I respect their choice and anyone else that makes that decision. Having kids is a very personal choice and not something you should be pressured into.
We were similarly lacking; my friends’ and relatives’ kids are around college age, give or take, and here I am with a 3 year old.
You’ve simply got to build up your own network. It takes time and energy, and taking the initiative when you’re not used to it, and it’s not easy if (like my wife and me) you’re pretty introverted, and didn’t exactly do a great job of reaching out and trying to make new friends back when you had lots of time to do it.
But over the course of a year of dropping the Firebug off at day care in the mornings, and picking him up in the afternoons, those <5-minute interactions with other parents started to add up; we developed a feel for which ones we felt comfortable with, and fortunately some of them were the parents of kids that the Firebug liked. So we invited a few of them to the Firebug’s third birthday party, and that’s led to some playdates and reciprocal invitations to their kids’ birthday parties, and things are starting to take shape.
Yes, but no one is claiming that these anecdotes are evidence of any sort of wider trend.
Alternative smart-ass answer:
“I wanted to do something meaningful with my life.” 