Warn 'em? Naaaaw… though I’ll 'fess up once people start commenting upon the boil of stench filling the room.
There’s always the late warning. You know, like when someone throws a grenade and it’s not immediately noticed, until someone spies it 2 seconds before it explodes, and they try to yell “TAKE COVER!” but it’s too late, so all they can get out is "TAKE CO"BOOOOOOM
I kinda witnessed something like that once. I used to work at a Michaels art store. One day I was restocking and there was a lady browsing in the aisle next to me. All of a sudden she blurted, “Oooh! Oooh! Oh!” and skittered away.
I stood there for about 2 seconds, bewildered, and then this wall of stink hit me like a concrete slab. It smelled like someone was warming up a bowl of rotten eggs and vinegar in a microwave.
I’ve never smelled a fart like that before or since.
Does this mean the odor wasn’t agreeable or that your participation was quite robust?
i’m brown with envy.
You are perhaps wondering what technique was used to smell the fart and how it differed from his normal fart smelling?
That is a whole 'nother level.
At work, we actually have a little sketch, along the lines of “Are you free…?”
First, fart. Then sniff the air. Say to your co-worker “Didst Thou Fart?”
He’ll say “Not I”
You say, “Must have been me, so.”
Man, we’re gonna get the sack soon.
Also, when lying in the sack with Hardship(T.M.) I might let a silent but violent under the sheets. Just lift your leg up and down ever so slightly, just enough to waft the smell up and over the top of the covers. Yeah, she hates that.
So my partners and I were sitting around on the couch watching TV, and someone was launching some make-you-see-god SBD’s - I mean my eyes were actually watering. Usually we aren’t ones to take a pass on the fart humor, so I was kind of surprised that no one joked about it, but the TV show was pretty dark so I chalked it up to general mood.
Finally I couldn’t handle it any more, hit pause on the DVR, and said “Ok, somebody needs to take it outside.”
They looked at me all wide-eyed innocence and said “but I thought it was you?!”
I peered over the edge of the couch, and sure enough, there was the dog sacked out and ripping away, butt aimed perfectly toward her innocent owners. (The babies will NOT be allowed to feed her peas anymore!)
My point here is that I think I need to invent some way for the dog to warn us when she has farted so we can get away. Maybe the sit-down signal that drug-sniffing dogs use? Wild barking? No, that would just make us think the mailman is outside, which would be pretty creepy at 10pm. Maybe whining while chasing her butt around in circles - a task that she has already mastered for reasons that escape me.
Any suggestions?
While we’re at it, how 'bout a baby-sign-language signal for the toddlers to give when they’ve been in the prunes and are warming a nappy. Anybody got one their kids already use? I’m picturing maybe a chubby little baby hand frantically waving behind a diaper-clad bottom.
I’ve posted this here before, but it bears repeating:
I was staying at a nice hotel in New Orleans - I left my room on the 17th floor for breakfast one morning - there was another “gentleman” in there when I got on - and the 'vator was reeking with fart - that nasty, eye-watering “stick to the walls” type of fart that soils and corrupts everything it comes into contact with…and it had noxious undertones of long unwashed ass and body too. Really rank.
He got off on the 12th floor, and I was alone with the stench on my way to the lobby…until the elevator stopped on the 9th floor and a nice, refined looking couple got on. They caught a whiff of this vileness that was still dripping off the walls just as the doors closed, and they kept sneaking peaks at me all the way to the lobby. I wanted to tell them that it wasn’t me that caused that evil smell…but I said nothing. I learned a lesson that day, but damned if I can figure out what it is…
This reminds me of a Bud Light commercial. A guy is eating some Chinese take out, a while later you hear him getting the bubble guts. He peeks out side his office, and sees nobody nearby. He then sits back in his chair and lets out the equivalent of diarrhea in vapor form. He smiles in victory.
Just then, all of his coworkers come in with a cake with candles on it and say “Happy Bir…” as their faces fall in horror. Great stuff!
Anyone seen Shaun of the Dead? My roommate and I took a gag from that movie to let one another know that there is poo-stank in the air.
Roomie: Sorry dnooman.
Me: Huh?
R: No, sorry dnooman.
M: <sniff> Oh, sweet Jesus! I think that thing that crawled up your ass and died just farted!
I’ll stop doin’ it when you stop laughin’.
I don’t fart. Oh, wait, sometimes I do. But on those rare, rare occasions, they smell like rose petals with a hint of almond and vanilla, and a touch of honeysuckle. People are attracted to it, and they feel blessed for having experienced it. They get tears in their eyes, not due to overwhelming stench, but because of the holy experience. They leave my vicinity by backing away, bowing to me, uttering “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
What? It’s all true. 