I’m having lunch with a co-worker yesterday and while we’re eating, she gives me a strange look. Then she says “Did you know your ears wiggle when you eat?”
When I asked why she would tell me this, she said that she is a scientist and that’s what scientists do, observe and record the wonders of nature.
What she failed to consider, mostly because she didn’t (and I hope, still doesn’t) know, is that I am the world’s most Insecure Man™. Sure, I appear to be normal, but it’s all an act and I’m constantly afraid that someone will figure it out.
So now, whenever I eat in public, I will be paranoid that everyone is staring at my ears. What’s worse is that this has been going on for decades and no one, not my parents, my so-called friends, no one has ever told me.
I can’t just comb my hair over my ears, it was just cut and will take weeks to grow out that long. I can’t wear hats, all I have are caps and they cover nothing. I have food at home and I can get more, but there’s licorice at work, a fresh jar! And at some point, we’ll have a business lunch or worse yet we’ll have lunch at a public restaurant.
I’m shaking in horror.
The pitiful thing is that I’m only half joking.