Well here it is, another beautiful Saturday afternoon, and I sit in front of my computer messing about online.
About a month ago I got a new job that is Monday through Friday, 8-5. After four years on second shift Thursday through Monday, I was elated. “Great” I thought, “now I’ll be able to be social like I’ve always wanted to be." Yet it doesn’t happen.
There’s just some mental leap I can’t make. It’s like I talk myself out of going for stupid reasons, and then spend the rest of the afternoon pissed at myself and depressed that I’m still at home. For example, today there is a meeting of the local board gamers group from 1PM to 6PM (it is currently 2:30 PM). Every time I have gone (three times in four years, fwiw) it is a great time. However, this morning I kept putting off leaving by playing video games, and now I keep telling myself there is no point in showing up late. And I’m pissed because I’m still here, yet here I sit.
Last Saturday a bunch of my old coworkers/friends were going go-kart racing. I didn’t show up, telling myself I had too much housework to do. I spent the afternoon reading and mentally ranting about how I should have gone. These are but two of dozens of examples I could give in recent memory.
Next Saturday I’m invited to a bachelor party of Paintball in the morning and drinking in the evening. I can already feel the excuses in the back of my head that I’ll use to justify my not going. I love paintball and drinking with friends, but the excuse will probably be something like “I don’t want to get up early” and “bars are too expensive and a hassle”.
There has got to be several of you Dopers who have experienced or still experience this type of behavior. What is your story? How did you overcome it?
I completely identify with this. My tendency to it seems to fluctuate quite a bit on its own. I don’t have any solutions; the best I can offer is that you’re definitely not alone. I’m very interested to hear others’ take on this as well.
I find it more in winter than summer. This malaise started to set in earlier and I decided to get up at the early sunrise. I had so much extra time I had to get out. Maybe do some exercise early that will energize you for the day. It works for me.
“Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.”
Find things to do that aren’t on a strict timeframe or don’t necessarily require being “social” like going to museums or to the park or other such activities. I find just getting out of the house makes me feel better even if I’m not doing anything especially social or eventful.
I also have trouble getting the hell out of the house on Saturdays. If you’re sitting around the house in pajamas, unshowered and unshaven, it may seem easier to stay in. So what may help is to get ready to go out. Sometimes I start on Saturday morning with a specific list of chores to be completed. (Having a deadline, like the farmer’s market that’s only open until noon helps.)
I’m a total information junky and am interested in people, their ideas and how they interact with each other. For those reasons buying a computer was like buying a small piece of heaven.
A few years ago while I was ill I indulged myself so much that I was in the same boat you’re talking about. Someone suggested I do some reading about computer addiction and I got a few good ideas there about modifying what had become a delightful, but quality-of-life degrading, habit. Today I use several tricks including setting a timer so that I don’t live my waking life inside this box.
I set a schedule. Not much of one, but there you are. My big one is that I always go out for lunch on Sundays. That’s it. No huge pressure or anything, but it’s something with a reward attached to it, and if I feel up to it, I’ll go wander around a store or something.
Another thing I did was get rid of most of my books and get a library card. Doesn’t work very often, but I find I enjoy it when it does.
I recently joined a meetup group, and have actually attended a couple. I’m hoping to be able to continue.
You might also look into actually accepting these invitations. I find that I’m much more willing to leave the house for someone else than for myself. If I’ve said I’ll go, I go, usually.
Yeah, I have to mentally commit before I start second guessing myself.
For example, my friend was going to be out of town so she said i could pick up her “farm share” share of produce, bread and cheese she gets weekly. I told her I would so she didn’t offer it to anyone else. This morning I was kind of “oh, it’s a long subway trip… I should start packing for my move, blah blah blah.” But since I told her I’d do it, I went. Now I have lovely veggies! If it was a maybe, come if you want thing - I definitely wouldn’t have gone out.
Telling other people about your plans or giving yourself an exterior reason to go, I find very helpful when I’m inclined towards sloth.
Yes I agree. Especially stuff like paintball where headcount matters, you should decide if you’re going or not and let the organizer know. If you need more information to decide, like your work schedule, that’s one thing, but if it’s just a matter of if you’ll feel like it then decide that now. FWIW most people don’t necessarily feel like getting showered and dressed for every party they attend, they go because they said yes and assumed they’d be in a social mood at the time. If everyone decided based on their mood at that moment then most planned social outings would never get off the ground.
This is more for lateness but what I do is decide when I will leave my house to go to a particular event. So I have more of a “now or never” feeling about it, I can’t just surf the web for 10 more minutes and decide then.
Yep, this happens all the time. Last week I really wanted to go camping. It was gorgeous weather, and I have weekdays off so it wouldn’t be crowded. I just couldn’t be arsed to get out of the house. I hated myself the whole time, but yet I didn’t do it. I have an appointment for next week (which took MONTHS for me to get around to scheduling) for some counseling.
I am quite anxious socially but not cripplingly so. I am at about your level. My mental tricks, for what they are worth, are these.
Accept invitations and then talk the about plans with your friends and express your excitement about being involved. Talk it up, challenge people, whatever suits your personality. Then you will feel really stupid if you don’t show up, and the embarrassment you will feel for missing it will outweigh the anxiety/inertia of not bothering to go. It is kind of like taking your future self hostage. Don’t worry, that lazy bastard deserves it!
Secondly, really think about the benefits of each decision. I mean sit down and think about your life and who you want to be. How will you feel in the future if you have done bugger all for the past month, year or decade. To make it concrete, how have you felt in the past when you looked back at the way you spent you time? I am guessing that you have a history of thinking “Where did that time go? Why did I just sit around at home?” If that made you feel bad, change it.
First: Are you feeling depressed? Avoiding other people and staying inside all day long can be a sign of depression, and depression is treatable. Ditto social anxiety, which is often accompanied by negative thoughts and excuses. I’ve suffered from both and my instinct in both cases is to avoid social interaction. As Hello Again points out, sometimes you just have to commit and do it regardless of whether you think you’ll enjoy it or not. It’s a case where you have to learn not to let your feelings dictate your behavior.
Second: Do you really want to go? I recently read a pretty good book called Introvert Power which talked about the social pressure a lot of introverts feel to attend these events and have fun, despite the fact that we never do. For example, being invited to a party is something we tell ourselves most people like to do, but this isn’t necessarily true. I used to have a real problem with committing to parties and things and then canceling at the last minute. This book helped me realize that I honestly don’t have fun at large social gatherings and really should not be committing in the first place. It’s so incredibly liberating to realize you don’t have to do things you don’t want to do. We have this problem in society of assuming that regular large social events are a routine and desirable thing. For some of us, they just aren’t that fun.
There is a corollary to this, which is recognizing that all social events are not created equal. You might genuinely love the board gaming but be trying to convince yourself that you should like a bachelor party when it’s secretly your idea of hell. Really think critically about what you actually want to do vs. what you just feel you should want to do, and then commit to doing it regardless of how you feel that day.
This is not only solid advice, but is in fact consistent with basic economic and psychological theory.
You make better decisions in advance than you do in the present.
Committing to attendance in advance is easier than deciding at the time you have to go, and once you’re committed, you’ll tend to want to go out of a sense of obligation.
Thanks for the book suggestion. I am definitely going to check it out. I enjoy large parties like I enjoy elective tooth extraction. It is hard for me to believe that anyone enjoys them. It’s an extrovert’s world.
Who would you even call about this? I wouldn’t even know how to describe it on the phone, let alone what to look up in the phone book.
My girlfriend and I were discussing this last night and she pointed out that she has noticed I’m more likely to go if not leaving the house by myself. If one of my friends picks me up, or she says “Ok, let’s get in the car. Come on, let’s go” then the likelihood of me attending something is significantly higher.
I do this when I’m depressed. For me, the way around it is, as soon as I agree to go, I find someone to carpool with. Then, I have to go because somebody is depending on me.
I don’t do much but I like it that way. If you don’t, time to make a change.
What everyone else said, basically:
Enlist your girlfriend and friends to prod you out of your house. Commit ahead of time so you can’t cancel without inconveniencing them.
It’s all about habit. Maybe you could start with one evening a week. Rather than considering 5 activities and doing none because you’re feeling lazy and the internet is calling, commit to just one and follow through. You’ll probably like it so much when you get out there you’ll start doing more.
I tend toward this myself, and the only thing I’ve found that helps is MAKING myself go out. We have a really active local music scene here in Providence, and most of my friends are in bands, so any given week there could be two or three shows I would love to see, but just can’t get out of the house for. I tell myself “Oh, it doesn’t start till late” (I’m a night owl and don’t have to get up too early for work) or “Parking will be a hassle” (I almost never drive, I ride my bike) or “I don’t want to go alone” (my boyfriend generally can meet me somewhere around 9 and at any given show I’ll know more than half the people). I make excuse after excuse but they’re all just avoiding mechanisms. And it builds on itself. If you stay home for a couple weeks, it builds up so much inertia that there’s no way you’re getting out.
So, I make myself. How does one force oneself? Well, you just do it. That’s all it comes down to. Make yourself go to one of the events you know you’ll like. When you get there, you’ll have fun. It’ll make it easier next time, and the next time, and the next time. The internet will always be there when you get home, the video games will always be there when you get home, but the people you miss out on seeing when you don’t make yourself get out won’t always be there.