According to Wikipedia: “Asociality refers to the lack of motivation to engage in social interaction, or a preference for solitary activities.”
If you google “asocial” the definition that comes up is: “avoiding social interaction; inconsiderate of or hostile to others.”
For this thread the question is whether simply a lack of engagement in social interaction makes you a bad person. Or whether such a preference can make you inconsiderate or hostile to others.
For example, if I decide to call my father once a month, is that rude or inconsiderate? Does it matter if he is free to call me whenever and I will answer the phone? Is there a moral obligation that I engage in some level of social interaction that would make him feel comfortable?
What about coming over to visit or inviting other people to social events? What if someone prefers not to do either of these things, does not make them a bad person? I know it would be hard to be friends with someone who doesn’t invite you anywhere or ask you to do anything. But what if this person is a family member. Would the same behavior make them a bad family member? Should the family accept that this person is asocial or should it be the other way around. Should the asocial person accept that his family is social and behave accordingly?
I think it’s more likely to make you a misunderstood person, and possibly lonely in the long run, but bad? I don’t think so. Are you kind to people and make an effort when you *are *around them?That’s what matters, I think. Some of us are just content / happier in our own company most of the time. Do ever wish you were a more social type?
As a general question not directed at the OP, is one asocial if they would like to do things / be around other people but no one seems to be doing anything they’re interested in? I think part of why I have fallen by the wayside is because I won’t participate in the constant communication, texting, social media stuff that most people do.
I don’t think bad or good even plays into the description of asocial. Some of the biggest dicks I have known were asocial but that was because they were dicks and stood very little chance of having a succesful social interaction. The majority I have known either have very little interest in what most folks talk about or have simply not had good luck in social settings. Nothing to do with bad or good.
Yeah, I seem to have projected a bit with that part. I guess I meant that if you keep putting it out there that you’d prefer to be alone or whatever, people get used to that and then don’t bother to try and include you. Every great once in a while that can hurt a little (or not; ymmv).
It makes you not a team player. That’s not much of a problem in the society we live in now–until you die alone in your apartment and you’ve ruined the landlord’s carpet before he finds you–but I suspect that in a less-rich, less-stable place, it would irritate a lot of people to have an able-bodied person refusing to participate in the community. Because survival and stuff. That’s when they could start making arguments that being asocial is bad or morally wrong.
Its also best not to make assumptions about another person being asocial. I had a health thing going on for a few months and I wanted to go out and socialize but I couldn’t and I didn’t want to interact with many friends because I didn’t want to talk about it. I was accused of being asocial by several people but that wasn’t it at all.
The thread title is a huge, complex question, partly because there are conflicting definitions of “asocial,” or ways of being asocial, and partly because the question of “what makes a good person or a bad person” is such a huge and complex question.
But from the last couple of paragraphs, I suspect the OP may really be asking about being an introvert in a family of extroverts. In which case I recommend checking out some of the books or other resources about how to live as an introvert in a sometimes extrovert-friendly world that have recently become popular.
I don’t think being asocial makes you a bad person, but I think it does make it easier for you to drift away from normalcy. Regular close interaction with friends, family and coworkers can help keep you on an even keel, due to direct and indirect feedback; the indirect feedback happens when you see how other people interact with each other, how the dress/groom themselves, and if you have a spouse and close friends, they’ll even give you direct feedback (“you were a dick to that guy.” “you have bad breath and you need a shave.”)
15 years ago my brother embarked on a career as a full-time day trader. He’s very successful at it, but his job entails sitting alone at his home computer for the entire trading day. He’s also been single for many years. He has friends that he spends time with (after they’re done with their standard work day), but I think being alone for that much of every day tends to warp you a little bit; it seems like he gets a little more odd every year.
That said, I could see myself walking down the same path without deliberate effort to avoid it. If I retire and/or my wife dies, I worry that I would find it very easy to become asocial myself.
I’m a bit lactose intolerant. But I find lactose more tolerable if I drink a little milk on a regular basis. If I abstain from it for a long period of time and then go back to it, I feel ill.
I think being social is the same way. My natural tendency is to be asocial. I prefer my own thoughts to the chitter chatter of others. I really like my solitude. But if I indulge in it too much, then the minor social annoyances that I normally endure become major headaches.
Moreover, being social is just like anything else. It requires daily practice or else you get rusty. I have the perfect job for an introvert, but I still have to get along well with others. I can’t hole myself up in a cocoon and do my job well. So I socialize to keep my people skills as sharp as possible. I may not want to be friends with folks, but that doesn’t mean I want to be an invisible non-entity in the workplace.
To answer your question, no, an asocial person isn’t necessarily a bad person. I think a person who tries their best to contribute something positive to the world is more valuable than someone who doesn’t care and refuses to try. But there are plenty of socialites who fall into that second group. Lacking an emotion is not a sign of a character defect, so it doesn’t make sense to judge someone as “bad” because of it.
Someone in my family told me that I am an inconsiderate or uncaring person. Essentially that I never do anything nice for them unless I am asked to, and I never talk to them unless they reach out to me first. Which got me wondering whether or not I have this obligation.
I take it as someone who has suffered damage that makes them feel safer and more comfortable in their own little bubble. So no - not a bad person, however I do feel it is a abnormal condition for a person to be in.
Being asocial doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person, but you might be an inconsiderate asshole depending on how you handle it. Our society also largely depends on upholding social constructs so not “doing your part” is going to upset or aggravate some people. Now, you aren’t obligated to act sociable, but you have to decide whether the consequences are worth it… rusty social skills, upset family, losing friends, etc.
I’m pretty asocial and I’m mostly fine with it. I socialize when I need to keep relationships in good standing, like getting along with co-workers or keeping family happy, or when my husband needs me to go somewhere with him and being asocial would make him unhappy or might reflect poorly on him. I’m not overly interested in being social otherwise, and my extremely small pool of mostly acquaintances reflects that.
So you have to decide what relationships you want to maintain, and then put in the effort. If you don’t care, then it really doesn’t matter if other people think you’re a bad person or if they think you have specific obligations.
I have two brothers. Ed will offer to do things for you, he’s in charge, don’t you dare call a handyman or try to DIY once he’s offered to do it. Then he takes forever to do it but hey, how can you complain when he’s offered voluntarily and will do it for free?
Jay moves his arse if either there’s a routine task to be done which he’s already absorbed as being in “his” list of “stuff to do”, or if you ask him to do it. As asiduously as he avoids volunteering, you’d think he’s been a private for the last twenty years (Controller, International for a multinational company, actually). But when you kick his butt, he gets into gear and Does It.
Your relative would probably consider me weird, but here where Ed can’t hear me and produce a pout worthy of Sobek, I’ll tell you I definitely prefer Jay’s attitude…
Most of my family call only if we have something specific to mention. One of them will call you on your birthday and complain that you never call “just to chat”. She also calls my widowed mother on her wedding anniversary and on my father’s birthday, and proceed to complain that Mom doesn’t call her… she’s lucky to be on the other end of the phone, as that saves her from a visit to the ER to have a phone removed from her nethers.
Kindness and humanity are the rare things, not the other way around. All the expectations in the world really amount to nothing other than chains to bind you to relationships, even with people who enjoy abusing others – at least that’s how it was for me. I can’t say I feel better now that I burned my bridges, but in many ways, I think I stopped a lot of the damage and I’m catching up to the reality of my situation. I’ve spent too much time trying to be liked for years and I’ve gotten hurt in some serious ways for it (beyond minor heartbreak or even heartbreak altogether, I’ve actually lost huge chunks of my own personality and I can see the holes) and I’m not so sure someone who’s been asocial from the start is, in any way, worse off for it given how vicious this world primarily is.
If you really are asocial, it means you’re probably more in touch with reality than many of us suckers that are helplessly caught in this cycle of trying to make friends with people who want nothing more than to take advantage of someone. It means you have a functioning sense of what’s good for you, and perhaps you should stick with it instead of trying so hard to see if other people approve of it – because, inevitably, they will whittle you down for another reason while blaming it on something you’ll find sympathetic.
