A few days later, and I’m still seething. In fact I read my OP again, and I was shaking with rage. Both my grandmother and grandfather have been waging an all out phone war on my dad - ringing him constantly to tell him what a bad son he is and how they have every right to be concerned about their granddaughter.
Anyway, she rang an apologised. She rang Anna’s mobile since she didn’t think dad would let her speak to Anna. Anna being the little sweetie that she is accepted the apology and told her it was OK - so what does grandma do? She rings dad to tell him that he’s over reacting and that only he has a problem with it and Anna thinks it’s all good, and therefore she was absolutely justified in what she did.
Now she’s taking Anna clothes shopping on Friday. Alone. With no supervision. Clothes shopping of all things! She invited Anna, without checking with mum or dad, and Anna (hoping for new shoes, I think) said yes. I’m worried. It’s Anna’s choice and all, but Anna thinks that Grandma was genuine in her apology and won’t ever do it again. I’ve given Anna every option to not go - asked her if it’s what she really wants to do, offered to take the day off work and come along, offered to give her an excuse to cancel, but she’s still going. I just hope with everything in me that the apology was real and that it won’t happen again. And every ounce of experience I have tells me that it wasn’t and it will.
As for all the suggestions about being mean back to my grandma or cutting her off - I appreciate the sentiment, I really do. But I can’t and I won’t. To respond in kind is to become the thing I hate. To cut her off is to cause the pain to her that I have have felt from her. It’s not a feeling, I feel like doing and saying unspeakable things to her. It’s a choice. And I choose to treat her better than she deserves. I choose to be the opposite of everything that she is.
But I also choose Anna over grandma. Every time. Hands down. Whatever the cost, grandma will not hurt Anna like that again. Not if I have something to do with it.
** robinc308**, both of my grannies were insufferable bitches but my mother’s mum was the worst. She was an expert in deducing your particular frailty and using it against you. Luckily I had limited exposure to her as we lived overseas. However, every time my family came to visit, she’d do her very British best to make my mother feel absolutely inadequate. The only person that she respected in the slightest was my father. Here’s why:
When my parents first married, my father invited the evil one to lunch. EO immediately began harping. My father warned her that if she continued to piss and moan, he’d get up and leave. Please bear in mind that this was during the dark ages before credit cards and proper ladies did not carry large sums of cash on them. When EO refused to put the proverbial cork in it, Dad departed and she was left alone at the table with the embarrassing predicament not having enough money to cover the bill. From that day on, my father elicited a level of respect from the old biddy that her husband and daughters never had. To put it bluntly, ** she never fucked with him directly again**
While I truly applaud your efforts to maintian peace in the family, your EO needs to learn boundaries. I see no point in your being rude or abusive to her. However, she needs to know that each and every time she started in on your sister, you will politely but firmly insist that she drop the subject. If she does not comply, **get up and leave. ** A simple,” I will not sit her and allow you to abuse my sister-come on Anna" will do it.
When I saw this I thought, yeah it feels pretty good to make some kids cry. Not vulnerable seeming kids, but those obnoxious prig kids. I am sure you know some. However, vulnerable kids are a completely other story. You don’t fuck with them because they get worse. The obnoxious prig kids learn not to fuck with you. See, your grandmother is the equivalent of the obnoxious prig kid so it is quite alright to make her cry. You may hate yourself for it but it will be better for everyone else in the long run.
You’re being inconsistent here. You said “whatever the cost” but you shy away from taking the one action you know will spare you and Anna further pain. Cut your gran out of your lives–that’s the cost. Forget the false nobility of “I will be better to her than she is to us”–that’s just masochistic rubbish. Sometimes you have to realize that you are better off having nothing to do with toxic people, even if they are related to you.
I need to second this. You do not want Anna to be alone with granny. You saw what granny did when you were there; imagine how much worse it could be if you aren’t.
I will protect my sister, and if that means walking away, then I will. But I won’t assume she’ll do it again until she does, and when she does she won’t get 5 seconds into it before I’m out of there taking my sister with me. Even in that case, I think I would be back, but without Anna. Also, I think that my sister has a bit of choice in the matter - she’s 15 - yeah she’s a kid who doesn’t have the guts to stand up to an adult, but if she (albeit naively) chooses to spend time with our grandmother, then I can’t stop her.
Your sister obviously has difficulty making good choices. As someone who loves her you need to watch out for her. She is only 15 and hasn’t grown a spine yet.
There is an old saying that a leapord can’t change it’s spots. That is you grandmother. Did she just start this behavior? Is she going through alzheimers? Or has she been a bit a bitch all her life. If it is bitch she always was then bitch she will always be. She has shown herself not to be trustworthy.
