Does it feel good to make a kid cry?

The BBQ Pit
1

Does it?

How on earth can anyone be so cruel and insensitive. Bloody hell. She’s all of 15 years old, and yes, she does have an eating disorder, and no, it’s not any of your business. You’re supposed to be her grandmother. You’re supposed to care about her. You’re supposed to respect her privacy. You’re not supposed to ask her in the middle of dinner if she still chucks up. Just because it was only me and her, and mum and dad weren’t there, doesn’t give you the right to hound her about it. She told you that the discussion made her uncomfortable, she told you it was none of your business, but did you listen? No. You pressed on? You asked her when the last time she did it was. You asked her if her friends did it. You asked her if she talked to her friends about it. Um yeah, you can just imagine a group of 15 year olds in the corridor at school chatting about what they just threw up. You called her a liar when she said that she was doing better. You told me to shut up when I tried to change the subject. You kept asking her the same question again and again until she answered. Haven’t you heard of body language? When she stares at the plate, refusing to make eye contact, and whispers monosyllable answers, that’s a not so subtle hint that this is a conversation she doesn’t want to have. Do you think she’s proud that she has such low self-esteem that she feels that she has to stay thin and look good to the extent that she risks permanent damage to her health? You don’t think it might be a touch embarrassing? And then you have the audacity to tell her how awful she looks. You don’t think that having an eating disorder is a sign that she might have a few hang-ups about her appearance? You are an adult and she is a child. And don’t you dare try to tell me that she didn’t have a problem with the conversation, the second she got in the car she started sobbing, and it didn’t stop for hours. The deep gut wrenching sobs that tore my heart out because I couldn’t make it better, because you, grandma, can’t accept your youngest grandchild as she is. Oh, and now she’s gotten worse again - you were such a big help.

Fuck.

I even tried to get you to attack me instead. Like you normally take so much delight in doing. I mean, you can’t hurt me much more than you already have - I’m over it. But no, you’ve already made 6 grandchildren feel ugly and worthless, it was time for number 7. This beautiful little girl, who was always so full of joy and confidence, is now reduced to this. Come after me, grandma, just don’t hurt her.

The only reason we ever told you that she had an eating disorder was to try and get you to stop making comments about her weight. To see the damage that you are doing to her. You don’t think that telling her every single time you saw her that she looked fat and that she couldn’t have that second scoop of ice-cream at Christmas or that you wouldn’t buy her that top she adored because she was too fat did some damage? No wonder she has an eating disorder. All we tried to do was get you to shut up. Haven’t you noticed that you have never been alone with her in the past 3 years? You don’t think that it’s just coincidence?

How dare you. And then to try and justify yourself when dad rings to ask that it not happen again. To chew him out for choosing his daughters over his mother. What do you expect him to do?

But you know what? I’ll come back. I’ll be there for dinner next week. Not because you deserve it. You don’t. Not because I trust you. I don’t. But because you are my grandmother. You are my dad’s only mother. You are old and you are frail. A lonely old woman, living with the consequences of her life choices. You don’t understand unconditional love. But let me tell you something. I love you. Not because I like you. I don’t. Not because I want to. But because you are family. Because you crave love as much as I do. And just because you withhold it from me, doesn’t mean I will with hold my love from you. You’ve hurt me more than I’ll ever tell you. Worse, you’ve hurt the people who I love. But I will choose to love you. I will work at it with everything I have in me.

But don’t you dare hurt her again. Don’t you dare.

2

Oh gods…just gods…:frowning:

I was about to ask why you even put up with her, but it looks like you’ve already answered that question.

Just that…I don’t think anyone should have to put up with that for any reason. Perhaps you should tell her that the next time she is that nasty, that you/your family will never visit her again and make good on that. IMO, it’s the only way.

3

I must say though that you are a better person than I am. I don’t think I could do what you’re doing…

4

I can sympathize with you. I’ve got a little sister about the same age who has an eating disorder. And God help anyone who gives her shit…

You know what? Don’t try to get grandma to attack you. Go on the all-out, nuclear warhead down her pants, old school warpath offensive. Tell her exactly what you feel. Tell her she’s a stupid bitch; a ratty, hateful creature; a caricature of a human being. Tell her everything you posted.

I understand your feelings of familial obligation, but keep in mind, family is only an accident of birth. If they’re too bad, just leave. There’s nothing for you to gain by sticking around with awful blood relatives.

5

If this ever happens again, tell grandma that you love her, but that the girl doesn’t need this hounding, and then LEAVE. Grandma will get over it. Do it every time Grandma starts in, LEAVE immediately.

Better yet, don’t expect your daughter to come with you when you visit Grandma. Who needs to deal with this shit? Each incident with Grandma is leaving more scars on your kid.

You can express your obligation of love to Grandma without sucking your kid into it. You have far more patience than I do, that’s for sure!

6

I’m not entirely sure, but I think that it’s robinc308’s sister who has the disorder, in which case it’s really not his/her choice.
I definitely second the suggestion of getting up and leaving if she turns hateful, though. Hopefully, grandma will get the message.

7

Oh, I see. I was unclear on that.

In any case, the people who make the decisions about this should not force said 15 year old to deal with abusive and mean grandma. And yes, definitely leave when someone gets hateful. Just because you are a minor (15 years old) it doesn’t mean that you must be forced to sit there and listen to crap like that. Whoever is in charge should remove the kid as soon as things get ugly, post haste.

8

Yeah, she’s my baby sister.

We’ve spoken about it, and if it happens again, there will be a single firm “We will not have this conversation” and if she doesn’t stop immediately, we’re going to leave. The 4 grandkids in Melbourne have dinner with her every fortnight. We’re leaving the choice to Anna whether she wants to come - but I’m not sure if she should have to make the choice - it’s hard enough for an adult to choose, let alone a kid.

She caught us by surprise this time. Next time, we’ll be ready.

9

Give your sister a hug for me-and give Granny the middle finger when she turns her back.

She doesn’t DESERVE the title of Grandmother. Or Mother.

She just barely gets to be labeled a human being.

10

Next time she gets personal, ask her “Grandma, how does it feel to have one foot in the grave and the grim reaper lurking around every corner? Do you feel the icy hands of death upon you yet? I saw a nice plot at the cemetary yesterday that I thought you might like, why don’t you come out with us next weekend to have a look at it?”

11

Robin, can I express my admiration for your attitude?

And then encourage you to do your darnedest to try to get the old biddy to see what she’s doing to that girl? I suppose you have already, and she isn’t listening, but keep trying.

And you will be rewarded for living through this – or are rewarded already; I don’t know.

But you are definitely an example to be looked up to. Thank God that Anna at least has you. :slight_smile:

12

I’m a firm believer in choosing your own family. Just because you’re related through an accident of birth to this hateful old haridan doesn’t mean you should be punished by having to spend time with her. Drop her like a bad habit. Cut her out of your life. If you really need a grandma (and hey, who doesn’t?) I’m sure there are some very nice, lonely old women somewhere near you who’d love the company of such a nice pair of youngsters as yourselves.

13

Just one more vote for telling your grandmother that what she’s doing is hurtful and you will not stand for it, then leaving. She may surprise you and learn from it, but, even if she doesn’t, at least your sister is out of the line of fire.

You also have my great respect.

CJ

14

I think I like this idea.

Or you could add things like, “Gee, Grandma-those liver spots look TERRIBLE! You know, perhaps you might consider Botox for those wrinkles.”

15

You might also point out to Granny that talking about vomitting at the fucking dinner table is extremely rude and vulgar. I would put down my fork and say, “Well there goes my appetite!”

16

Let your sister know that she doesn’t have to go through this again, and that you’ll take the responsibility for the decision if she’s uncomfortable having to make it herself. Let your grandmother blame you for her absence, instead of blaming her. I absolutely would not put your sister through an instant more of this treatment. It’s the last thing she needs. Take yosemitebabe’s advice. One more word of this and you leave. Immediately. No arguments. Repeat as necessary. If grandma doesn’t like it, she can shut the fuck up or live without the two of you. Her choice.

17

Too bad the story involved a grandma being an a**hole. I was all pumped up about coming into the thread just to say “Yes, oftentimes it really does feel good to make a kid cry, you know, get back at 'em for being annoying all the time.” And well, it does. But you gotta pick your moments to make a kid cry, and choose the kid carefully so you know he/she really deserves it for being stupid and stuff. And I don’t think I’ve ever done it to a girl kid. Boys age 8-14 are the best targets, since they act like jerks and punks and put up a tough front but are really insecure inside, and also they’re the most annoying and deserving of the “make a kid cry” treatment.

Anyway, I don’t think reciprocating hostility towards the grandma is much of an idea. If you gotta choose grandma vs. immediate family member, you pick the immediate family member and walk away.

18

I suffered from an eating disorder when I was 13 years old. In the end, the people who helped me the most in my recovery were those who offered me their unconditional love and support.

robinc308, your little sister is very lucky to have such a caring older sister.

19

Sheesh, I have two grandchildren (and another one arriving soon!) I love my grandchildren with all the wisdom and strength that came from raising their mothers. I adore each and every hair on their little heads, and wouldn’t hesitate to kill with my bare hands to protect them.

robin, I’m stunned at your Grandmother’s actions/words. She should be supportive of her grandchildren, not beating them down with cruel words and remarks. It’s one thing to worry about family members, but she went over the line with your sister.

If I’m ever in Melbourne, I’ll gladly granny-slap her with some of my grandkid’s refrigerator art.

20

While the intentions are good, protecting this child from grandma is not necessarily the best approach.

The subject here is the child, who at this point is really a young woman. Encourage her to tell grandma that what really makes her sick is seeing such fuckworthiness in her own family, or that she’d love to flush grandma’s stupidity down the toilet, or whatever. Tell her that however she says it, you’ll back it up.

She’s 15 and capable of standing up to her own bullies, and the sooner she learns to do this, the faster she’ll move toward recovery. Trust me. I know.