So did you marry her yet?
Next time you see her when she’s in an outgoing mood can’t you just say you had fun playing tonsil hockey?
Reading these sequentially, I’m picturing the finger leaving the faintest trail of blood across your back. Or slime. :eek:
Even if you don’t have a crush on her, you can still have fun. I know I did in college with this one girl. Not my type, and she always broke up with her boyfriends after a week. So we never actually dated or went out, but we, um, had fun.
Yeah, she likes you.
My new neighbor is kind of a dick.
Nothing is going to happen. I know how this works: People are nice to me. We make out. Then they end up sleeping with the other neighbor instead.
Which is fine. None of my business. I mean, she is sleeping with, you know, people. In her life. Most of all, I don’t want this to turn into one of those things were I hang out outside her window, or think that her personal life is my business. Or get jealous if she brings men around. I’m not in this picture. I’m not going to be doing anything anyway. I don’t need any of *that *in my head. So, working on avoiding that.
You guys have no idea how messed up I can be. 
But I’m fine now. I’m absolutely fine.
Oh, and I also don’t want it to turn into one of those things where I talk to her about it, and she goes: “Oh, all *that? *That doesn’t mean anything. I actually think you’re an asshole. Isn’t it obvious?” I don’t particularly need that, either. Not if I have to live next door to her after that. And, yes, that sort of thing does happen to me.
Mostly, I don’t particularly want any of this in my head. I think I’ve flushed most of it out now. Not her fault at all, though. She’s just being casually wonderful.
Oh, yeah, maybe I should have been more clear in my OP. When I said “drama”, I mean all *that *baloney. The stuff that I sometimes do. Not in my house, man.
I’ll just be cool… as a cucumber… like this: 
Next time she does something nice, just turn and calmly say “you realize you’re carbonating my hormones, yes?”
Dude I get it. She’s an outgoing younger person having a goof and doesn’t realize the pot she might stir. You don’t need your pot stirred on a whim.
If she wants to hang out, though, you’ll have to find a way to wrap your brain around it.
Oh, come on. Talk about blaming the victim. She’s done nothing wrong. Quite the opposite! I want her to do more nice things. Fill the world with people that nice, instead of the current bunch, and you’ve instantly stopped all wars, ended poverty, and probably cured cancer. It’s hardly her fault that I’m… how should I put this? Slightly on the “weird” side of the normal-to-weird spectrum.
Anyway, if she ever reads this, she’ll move. That’s the downside of clearing one’s head on the internet. I think I’ll shut up now.
OK. I think I’ve nailed down what is bugging me. Sometimes it takes a ton of posts, because I’m extremely stupid, but there you go. It’s really very simple. Here’s the gist of it:
This is a situation where I’m properly not interested. Neither, most likely, is she. But I’m still, in spite of myself, on the verge of behaving like some kind of asshat. To a very nice person.
I recognize this. Self: No asshattery, please. Thank you.
Gotcha.
A man goes into confession and says to the priest,
“Father, I’m 41 years old and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m an atheist.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
I wish I had a neighbor like that. Actually, my new neighbor is pretty hot and single as far as I can tell but she seems like a hardass so I don’t think that will ever happen for me. Sometimes it is best to take the small gifts that you are handed with appreciation and grace. It is just God running a delivery service for people that deserve it.
I’ll admit to a hint of that.
It’s God’s grace, is what it is. I don’t know about deserving it, though. Isn’t the point of grace that we don’t deserve it? At least not necessarily? I think sometimes an apartment building gets spraypainted with it wholesale, and schmucks like me just happen to be standing in the way of the blast.
That’s what this comes down to. Self: This is a good thing. Don’t f*** it up. Don’t be the kid who gets a present for Christmas and breaks it through clumsiness. By which I actually mean, don’t be that kid again.
Thanks for the advice, Self. You’re welcome, Self. Although, that does seem a bit defensive, Self. Well, there are times for playing it safe, Self. Remember what happened the last time you ran through a hallway without due caution, with your dick hanging out? Oh, that’s right, Self. And thanks for bringing it up. No problem, Self.
Of course it won’t.
Of course you are.
:Nods sagely
Mmmmmm Hmmmnnn.
Of course you will.
Ah Ha!
:Nodding speeds up
Of course not. Not in the least.
Ask her out to dinner, you idiot.
No. And I mean that. I’m not being coy or defensive. I don’t think I addressed this from upthread:
No. See, we don’t actually have any chemistry. We don’t have good conversations. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love talking to her. I just wish that I could think of a damned thing to say. But it’s like squeezing toothpaste from an empty tube. Conversely, I don’t exactly bring out the sparkling wit on her side either. And I think it’s pretty safe to say that we have very different ideas of “fun”.
She’s being nice to me for no reason. And I mean no reason. Which is why this is weird.
I have zero interest in dating her. I wouldn’t want to even if she wanted to. I’m way beyond being interested in people I have no click with. She’s just a ball of warmth and lovem you know? Like an oven. Standing next to her is great. But a date? Man, we’d both be bored stiff within five minutes. Don’t be silly.
Actually, let me rephrase that: I’m sure she’s amazing fun to hang out with. Objectively. For other people. She seems like it. Just not clicking with me, in that particular sense.
It’s not a put-down. Most of the human race fall into that category, including the vast majority of people I’ve ever met. And they all seem to have great fun hanging out with each other, so whatever. It’s absolutely fine. I’ll just date the people I happen to click with, is all. The other ones don’t have any fun with me, either. Besides, they usually seem to think that I’m the problem, and for the most part wouldn’t date me if you paid them. So, usually, everyone seems tremendously happy with this arrangement.
She’s just the nice neighbor lady. And in a world that’s 100% functional, I’m supposed to be just the grumpy neighbor guy.
And I mean, heck, it’s not rocket science. Not having a crush on her doesn’t mean that I’m a weird misanthrope. I’m just old(-ish), and I like to stay in. She’s young(-ish), and she likes to go out. I don’t have a clue who Jessica Jones is, and I don’t give a damn. She, somehow, doesn’t have a clue who Leonard Cohen is. Don’t ask me how that is possible. She might be an alien. Another one of those. It would explain a few things.
I like her just fine. Actually, I find her utterly adorbz. In an entirely non-dateable sort of way. I basically just want to keep myself from suddenly giving her flowers, or humping her leg. She might call the landlord.
Also, I felt like checking with you guys that I’m not insane for thinking that she might like me (for whatever weird reason). Just that, you know, I’m not imagining it. That I’m not pulling that idea entirely from my behind.
Sounds like you’ve found a good spot for your brain. Yes, don’t be an asshat. Continue to be nice to the nice neighbor lady.
By the way, how does one end up making out in the hallway? Nice consversation, one of her signature hugs, and she moved in on you? What were you talking about leading up to it? Emotional stuff? Football? Obviously none of my business; feel free to let it go.
Suddenly.
I honestly don’t remember. Nothing profound.
OK. I think I’ll just file this under random weirdness for now.
And I know that she’s a person, with her own issues, problems, joys and so forth. I won’t act like she’s a Care Bear or a mythical creature. In another thread, for situations where you don’t know what to say, someone suggested to go with either “I’m sorry”, “thank you”, or “how can I help?”.
So if anything else WTF happens, I think I’ll try that. In combination. I’m sorry? Thank you. How can I help?