Does "no chemistry" Reeeaaally mean "Negative chemistry"?

In My Humble Opinion
1

In real life, and in many threads where people are complaining about their horrible dating lives, the phrase “no chemistry” is used frequently to explain why you won’t be dating that person again.

But I was thinking about what I mean when I say that, and I realized that what I really mean is when I date someone and have a poor dating experience ranging from “definitely not my type” to “no way in HELL if you were the last man on earth” I say “no chemistry” as a polite way of explaing why I won’t date them again. But really, if I truly felt zero chemistry with someone, I honestly think I’d give that person at least another chance or two.

What do you think? How do you all use this phrase?

2

I use it when I am just plain not attracted to a woman. Which I was surprised to discover happens more than I thought would happen.

See, I was a single guy for a long time. And after a while, I thought, “I don’t have any excuse to be picky, I should just take what I can get”. I figured that way, I was more likely to find a woman that was sexually attracted to me, since I wouldn’t be dismissing all the good leads.

But after going on a few online dates (this was right before I met my girlfriend BTW) that were kind of ‘bleh’ I realized that there were some women I wasn’t attracted to even if you put a gun to my head. The first date was like that to a strong degree- I had been very excited about meeting the woman, planned a big day in San Francisco; went all out making the effort to present myself as positively as I could. We went sightseeing throughout San Francisco, and every now and then there would be some little interesting tidbit of information I’d remember, so I’d tell her, but I didn’t talk her to death/talk down to her. She was getting her PhD at Stanford, so she was very smart (which I like) and from her profile seemed to suggest we would be compatible.

However, when I went on this date, I felt a strange…not coldness, per say, but just, neutrality, I guess. She barely said 5 words during the whole date, the most notable thing she did was yelp when a car cut me off in San Francisco. However, I was still kind of desperate (companionship-wise) so I decided to press the issue, and hoped for a second date just to know for sure. After I got back from dropping her off she sent me an e-mail saying she had a great time, but she felt that there just wasn’t any chemistry. At first I was really upset about that, I took it kind of personally. But then I sat and thought about how I felt, and realized that the feeling was mutual.

3

Thanks for the reply. I’m trying to work myself up to think about dating again (SIGH…).

One of those self-help gurus recently pooh-poohed the concept of “chemistry” and its importance in whether or not there is potential in a person one dates.

I got to thinking about it, and realized that for the most part, for me, it really wasn’t so much “no” chemistry" as what you said, no attraction or a strange sort of coldness or being somewhat repelled by the other person.

Was hoping for some tales from others of what is, or is not chemistry, and how much they believe it affects their choice of partner.

4

IMO “no chemistry” really means a lack of interest, not that the feeling was negative. It’s not as if you disliked the person, you just didn’t find anything you liked about them. If no chemistry was a paint color, it’d be eggshell. Or maybe sand.

5

Well, as far as pure chemistry goes…

I was with a guy for three years. We didn’t have a lot of chemistry to begin, but we were in a long-distance relationship for a while, so we got to have sex only rarely.

Eventually we moved in together, and it died off quickly. We would sleep naked together, and feel nothing. On the rare occasions that we had sex, it would just be non-affectionate, no kissing, pretty much to get off so we could go to sleep. Afterwards, I’d wake up, feeling kind of icky, like one might feel after having sex with her brother.

Kissing him was particularly weird, weirder than sex, since the smell of breath and breathing his recycled air was just too difficult for me. It really did feel weird.

It was not a negative relationship, though. I love his personality. I sometimes think that if I didn’t have someone else and he asked me to marry him, I’d say yes, because it would be so nice and comfortable.

He remains a very good friend of mine, of course - one of the best! We just don’t have any desire to touch each other.

I don’t know if this counts as negative chemistry or not - I wasn’t repulsed by him really, I just had this icky “whoa, I just had sex with my brother” feeling which would pass quickly. And I didn’t crave sex with him, it just sort of happened sometimes.

Apologies for any… non-sense-making-ness. I can’t even think of the real word I’m looking for. 7:30 am and I haven’t slept? I need to go to bed.

6

I think the words you’re looking for are “no chemistry.” :stuck_out_tongue:

I think what it means to me internally and what it means when I use it to break off a relationship may be two different things. I may say “We just have no chemistry” when I mean, “you’re an impotent momma’s boy who smells bad and I wouldn’t mate with you to save the species,” because there’s just no need to be mean. “No chemistry” is an easy (cowardly?) way out which brooks no discussion.

When I truly feel “no chemistry,” I feel neutral. Nothing. Beige. Otherwise, I either “feel amazing chemistry” or “don’t like him.”

I have dated two men in my life for whom I initially felt no chemistry. One lasted for two years and actually built up some chemistry until I started cheating on him with someone for whom I felt amazing chemistry. Luckily enough, he also fell for someone else, so it all worked out in the end. The second time was exactly like **rinni **describes - he was a brother to me, and I really, really wanted to feel more for him because he was so hoplessly in love with me and very, very sweet. Never again. I felt numb, he felt like dirt. Three months was all we could stand and it ruined our friendship and turned him all bitter. I’m so very, very sorry, Colin, wherever you are.