No, this has nothing to do with anything I’m writing. It’s real life.
A little background: my son’s sister lives with me and Mrs. Rhymer; in the interests of brevity, I will refer to the former as Cinderella, though she isn’t really my stepdaughter.
Last night Cinderella went out with to meet a friend of hers, whom I shall call Alice for no particular reason. Alice is a little older than Cinderella – mid to late 20s, I’d guess. They were meeting a group of friends at a bar; Alice was the designated driver because she is allegedly allergic to alcohol. About an hour after Cinderella left, I got a phone call from her asking me to come rescue her and Alice, because they were bothered by a large oaf whom Alice cleary wanted to get away from but did not want to confront verbally. So I went to the bar and confronted the oaf, whom I didn’t think terribly large; but as both Cinderella and alice are 5 feet tall and all of a hundred pounds each, they have a different frame of reference. The oaf relented in the face of someone larger than he. As Cinderella was buzzed and Alice was jittery, I drove them home.
Okay, nothing too odd there. The odd part came on the drive home. Cinderella went to sleep, so Alice and I talked about how she’d gotten in that situation–not that I actually cared, but she was talking nervously. It developed that Alice had met the oaf that night at a party she’d gone to before going to meet my stepdaughter, at which Alice had spilled something on her blouse. As both Alice and the Oaf were going to the second bar, and as the oaf was already close to getting drunk, she agreed to drive him there, but only after going to her apartment to change clothes.
At her apartment, Alice left the Oaf in the living room while she went to the bedroom to change; upon emerging, she found the Oaf pantsless and proposing what pantsless oafs always propose. When she demurred, he insisted that she wanted it to happen; why else would she let him into the apartment? Then he tried to force himself (her words, not mine) on her; at one point he pushed her onto the couch and kissed her against her will. She managed to squirm away from him and run into the bathroom. Though the Oaf did not try to beat down the door or anything, neither did he leave. While in the bathroom she called Cinderella to make sure that she was going to meet her at the bar but did not tell her what was going on. Once she ascertained that Cinderella was already there, Alice emerged from the bathroom and told the Oaf it was time to go to the bar. She then DROVE HIM THERE. She let him in her car. At the bar he followed her around until she could get Cinderella to go into the bathroom with her, whereupon Cinderella called me.
Okay, end of flashback. Here’s what bothers me:
She obviously had her phone the entire time; why didn’t she call Cinderella while she was in the bathroom?
She lives in a security building; I know this because I walked her to her elevator., at her request, but no further There was a guard on duty. Why didn’t she go to the guard when she was leaving to go to the bar?
Why let him in her car the second time? Why even emerge from the bathroom in her apartment?
Cinderella pointed otu that there was a bouncer on duty at the bar and suggested they enlist his aid. Alice refused to, saying that she didn’t feel safe with him because she didn’t know him. Does this seem rational, or sensible, or believable?
Not really to the first two, yes to the third. In these kinds of situations a lot of women (especially young women) are afraid of doing anything that might make the man angry. If she wanted the guy out of her apartment and didn’t want to make him angry/possibly violent then she may honestly have thought the best thing to do was cooperate until she could escape quietly. She was more afraid of what would happen if she confronted the guy than what would happen if she didn’t. In terms of risk management that’s a very foolish way to behave, but it’s not that uncommon.
Oh, about this:
Didn’t you say she DID call Cinderella from the bathroom?
It’s hard to believe the impulse many people – especially many young women have – to avoid “making a fuss”. People enter relationships with people they don’t like to avoid making a fuss. People get married to avoid making a fuss. It’s this backwards thinking that says “if I don’t act like this is a big deal, then it isn’t.” If she called the cops, there would be a police report, and questions, and attention and basically a whole train-wreck of events that might not be bad, but would be out of her control and “turn this into a thing”. Even calling the bouncer over carries the risk of “turning this into a thing”.
I find the story plausible, or at least that she is truthfully recounting her perception of the events. As in any long, rambling eye-witness account, there are probably some things she is mis-remembering.
I agree completely. I’ve actually been in a situation that started harmless and quickly turned threatening, and I went along to a point in order to get out of the situation. I also realized that by going along to get out, I was compromising any hope of a successful legal defense if this icky situation actually turned into rape.
I’m certain that if a man were faced with a threatening man who was significantly larger, stronger, and unpredicable, he’d do much the same to appease and diffuse the situation.
I can see not wanting to make a fuss in her apartment and just wanting to get out of there as opposed to waiting alone in their for the cops, or her friends to show up. However, I probably would’ve gotten out of the building and then ditched him.
Also as far as the bouncer is concerned she might have figured you would handle the situation with a little less embarasment to the guy (pissing him off less) and since you could take her home there was less rick of him confronting them once they left the bar.
I find in situations like these the less pissed off the guy is, the better. Personally, I would never have brought some guy to my apartment that I had just met. Ever. But I can see how things progressed the way they did from there. Also, from the bathroom, could the guy hear her through the door when she called you daughter, because maybe she was scared of tipping him off or something?
Give that girl a copy of The Gift of Fear for an Easter present.
I can see it happening, for the reasons above–she didn’t want to make a fuss and throwing him out, refusing to drive him, calling the police, etc. would make more of a fuss than if she just went along quietly–but she could have made a whole lot of better decisions.
No, give yourself a copy of Gift Of Fear and learn something. Usually when a person tells you a story and you get a niggling little feeling that they’re lying, it’s because they are. Your subconscious is a genius- it picks up on all kinds of subtle cues that tell you something is wrong, something is false, something is not quite right. If your instinct tells you the girl is lying, you have no need to ask us- she’s probably lying. Trust yourself.
No, I’m too lazy. I’m wondering what you think she was lying about though, as I didn’t quite say that. Her actions seem…well, odd…but comments upthread make them more plausible to me. But I never thought she was trying to draw me, personally, into coming to rescue her, which is what you seem to be implying.
I’m not implying anything about you, I’m just saying it sounds to me like she’s lying. I don’t know enough about the situation or her to guess what she may have been lying about. Did she think that you were suspicious, or do you think she may have done something she’s trying to cover up? Maybe she felt like she had to make up a story to rationalize you coming to get them- did you seem put-out by it? No idea, but the story seems pretty convoluted and forced, doesn’t it?
as a female, i have given rides to people i didnt trust, but I asked them to wait in the entrance while i ran to my flat to get something … I rarely invited anybody I didnt know to my flat, male or female=)
Maybe you could gently suggest next time she has to run to her apartment with a total stranger, she take him into the entry, and introduce him to the guard and tell him he is waiting down there while she runs up and <whatever> that way she isnt leaving him in teh car, or inviting a total stranger into her flat …
I think the important thing here is to have a chat with Cinderella about why Alice is bad news and all the many things she did wrong that night. It’s probably hopeless to forbid Cindy from being friends with Alice but Cindy should understand that any time they’re together - she will need to be the grownup and the one looking out for herself.
Her story is full of bullshit. IMO she’s covering her ass re having to call you to rescue her by BSing about something relating to “the oaf” and the specifics of the interaction and/or their relationship to each other.
When a randomly met drunk man is casually invited into one’s home drops trou tries to mount you, and when unsuccessful is then driven (hell… allowed to drive!) to the next venue there’s a lot more going on than "not making a fuss’.
Not to defend the oaf, but inviting a randomly met fairly drunk man into your apartment while you change clothes is giving a signal (esp to a horny drunk) that you might be willing to to move to a more advanced level of intimacy.
My guess (if her story has any semblance of credibility) is she was also buzzed by alcohol (or something) thought he was cute or otherwise interesting until he got partially naked and tried to press the issue.
There’s a lot more to the story than you’re hearing. I’d almost be curious to try and track down the oaf and see what he says.
Having said all this if the oaf was really an incipient rapist for Alice to put your daughter in harms way with this person is what I would be most incensed by, and I’d tell your step-daughter to make a better choice in friends as it sounds like “Alice” has absolutely zero common sense.
Probably what she told you is mostly true and she is young enough to not have handled the encounter well. The not true parts are designed to make her look or feel better.
Well, it’s mostly a translation problem. Certain parts of the story are hyperbolic because that’s the way that person communicates how scared she was.
The drunk guy was hitting on her a little. But it wasn’t as bad as she said. She didn’t feel unsafe. And she knew Cindy was in the apartment. Same reason she didn’t mind driving the guy to the next stop. But at the new place, she got worried, and the guy was even more insistent as he got more drunk, and she no longer felt she could handle it. So they called you. You’re handling of the situation was so simple, it didn’t justify her fear. So she added embellishments to make it scarier to you, so you would know how scared she was.
Incidentally, she now probably believes a version closer to what she told you. Everything that seemed so innocent before seems heinous in retrospect.