Two of my friends are celebrating birthdays next week and a big shindig is planned for this weekend. Several friends are coming in from out of town and our extended group of friends will commandeer a local pub on Saturday night. Before the late evening’s festivities, however, a group of “the guys” are going out to dinner at Peter Luger, which is considered by some to be NYC’s best steakhouse.
Last night I found out that one of my friends, “P”, is being excluded from the dinner. Apparently, the original dinner group grew until it could no longer be accomodated by the restaurant. The party couldn’t break into two, either, as they still couldn’t fit. So P’s invitiation was revoked. I know that Peter Luger was chosen, in part, by two of the visitors to NY. Also, it has become somewhat of a tradition to go there when these guys visit.
What surprises me, even more than the decision to ask someone to skip the meal, is the fact that P doesn’t mind. He said that he’s not offended, that he knows that these guys are all his friends, and that this decision makes sense. He even admits that it’s possible that he was asked to sit this one out because he’s one of the most rational in the group. I told him that my girlfriends would never consider doing this. We would simply find another restaurant.
Rational and reasonable? Tacky and rude? I don’t consider myself to be too prissy, but I would have been outraged had this been done to me. A quick poll of, uh, one of my girlfriends confirms that this must be a Guy Thing. What do you think?
First, I agree that this is pretty rude to P. Withdrawing an invitation simply because “there’s not enough room” doesn’t cut it, IMHO.
Second, there may be other things going on behind the scenes. Maybe P didn’t really want to go, or perhaps a few of the other group members have volatile issues with his existence. Maybe he has a date with a woman – I’d cancel on them in that case! I don’t know, so I can’t make assumptions.
Third, P may very well be bothered by the situation, but is handling the insult well. I respect that in the guy – he can’t change anything for the better by whining and wailing, so he’s just accepting and moving on. That’s a social skill to be practiced.
Fourth, I doubt that we guys are more rational than you ladies. Some people handle things differently than others.
Well, the crazy thing, AlbertRose is that P honestly doesn’t mind being excluded. There’s nothing else going on (but that was a good thought). He said that it just wasn’t worth getting stressed about, and I know him well enough to know that this is really how he feels. I grant you, P is sort of odd.
The reason I wondered if it was a guy thing is that several guys were involved, and they all (apparently) think this is acceptable. I’m glad to hear that you don’t agree. Maybe I just have bizarre friends.
By the way, I expanded my poll to two female coworkers, and they agree that this was rude.
My ability to view the SDMB craps out around right about now, so I probably won’t respond until tomorrow a.m. Thanks in advance!
Wow! I can’t believe that your friend is that tolerant. I think it was rude of the others to exclude “P”. The fact that he is “handling” it well, is simply a character difference…not a male rationale thing.
I know for a fact that men are not more rational than women. My father is one of the most irrational and sentimental people you will ever meet. If he had been excluded from that party, he would’ve been deeply hurt.
I think your friend is hiding that fact from you, as he is a man and men can’t be hurt by little things like that.
Maybe P is just a doormat kind of guy. A similiar thing happened, except with a Pearl Jam concert and P was a girl named Brandy. She wasn’t upset at all at being excluded frm the concert when there wasn’t a ticket for her, but she also had massively low self-esteem and would let just about anyone walk all over her.
Or maybe he really just doesn’t care. The word “friend” means different things to different people. Maybe he doesn’t think going to birthday parties are the end all and be all of his existence, that he’d like to go, but it doesn’t really hurt not to. (Perhaps there’s a tiny feeling of rejection, but it might be so instantaneously squashed by indifference that there’s no effect.)
Another possibility is that he is willing to sacrifice his place so that your group may enjoy themselves more. I wouldn’t necessarily call this “doormat” behavior. I might even call it noble under certain circumstances; selflessness does not necessarily imply obsequiousness.