Today is one of my good friends birthday and he and his wife have invited my girlfriend and I to dinner with them. Sounds great and I am sure we will have a wonderful time with them tonite and I am looking forward to it.
But my question has to do with ‘expectations’ and I am trying to figure out if I am in the wrong here or if he is–or if neither of us are and we are just having different expectations.
Some background. He and I work together in Seattle and are good friends and have known each other for like 15 years. My GF and I however live across the water and take a ferry in to work each day-whereas he and his wife life and work in Seattle. The ferries are pretty regimented and leave at specific time and the last one leaves downtown at 8:30.
So last Thursday they email my GF and I and tell us the restaurant they want to go to—and state that they were thinking of getting together at around 6:30 or 7. We immediately both email back and say that the last ferry is at 8:30 and could we get together maybe a bit earlier like maybe at 6. No response on Friday or over the weekend.
Yesterday—I ask him about it so that we can make plans. If they can’t or don’t want to go that early–then we need to drive over on the ferry, which means we have to get up a half hour earlier, drive in, park downtown, then drive all the way around since we wouldn’t be able to take the ferry. A big deal–something that will add like 2 hours to our commute and cost like $25 total added to our evening–obviously something I would rather not do.
So I ask him and he says they haven’t talked about it and that he would get back to me. He also says that him and his wife just sort of make the decisions on the last day and go–and I tell him that we can’t, because of where we live, etc, it has a bigger impact on us.
So of course I heard nothing by the time I left work to take the ferry home. So needless to say I did not drive in today–and so have to catch the 8:30 ferry or we will be stuck in Seattle.
The question I have is would it be rude of my GF and I to leave the restaurant at 8 so that we could catch the ferry? We might go earlier as we requested–or we might be there at 6:30 or 7 but since we haven’t heard it makes it a bit difficult to plan.
However it is his birthday and he has chosen to spend it with us, and I appreciate that–but they also simply ignored our request about the time. On one hand I feel like they were rude to us by not acknowledging the ferry situation (they are quite aware of the time issues as they have come to visit us). But it is also his birthday and I don’t want him to feel slighted if we left – but the reality of it is that we have to catch the ferry. So are we rude if we leave or are they being rude for not discussing this with us? As I said I am sure nothing will come of this because we are good friends–and I would never taint the evening by even discussing it. But this is mainly for my own education on this.
Not the greatest option, especially since your friend is guaranteed some birthday nookie from his SO, but depending on the size/layout of his place, maybe you can stay the night in a spare bedroom at their place? I really don’t know how to ask without (a) seeming imposing beforehand, or (b) springing it on them (sorta) at dinner with “well, dinner’s done, it’s 8:45 and we have no way to get home. Can we stay with you?”
I don’t think that would be rude–friends should be understanding about your specific situation.
You might want to see about getting a hotel room for you and your wife for the evening. That way, you get a long dinner with your friends, and (hopefully) a romantic evening with your wife.
It’s really impossible to comment on the rudeness factor without knowing your relationship with your friend. I know that I would think it was a little rude to be invited out to dinner and have to leave by 8:30 - but that’s because my friends and I have a habit of staying out later. Leaving at 8:30 would be cutting the evening off so short on a special occasion that I’m sure someone would be miffed.
But maybe you and your buddy often go out and come home early. If so, then it’s not rude. If anything, he’s rude because you asked him about changing the time, and he didn’t even bother to reply, even when he knew it impacted you.
On the other hand, it does kinda suck when other people want to rearrange plans on you. It being a birthday and all, I would have probably driven in and sucked up the extra time and $25 in order to give the friend what she wanted on her birthday.
Your friend, who I imagine can’t help but be aware of the logistics of your living arrangements, should have answered your inquiry. It was very rude of him not to.
IMHO, they’ve been quite rude. You sent them an e-mail with what seems to me to be a reasonable request and they appear to have ignored it. In your situation, I would conclude one of three things:
They have seen it, and did not wish to change their plans but didn’t seem up to admitting it to you.
They have seen it, and hope by ignoring it that the problem will resolve itself (e.g. you’ll pay for a hotel room)
They haven’t checked their e-mail. This seems unlikely, but knowing some people it’s not impossible.
If you don’t want to spoil the friendship, go to the dinner, and explain both to your friend and to the restaurant staff that you and your GF must leave by 8 pm.
Thanks for the replies.
I have a very good friendship with this guy–and this won’t affect it. In fact I found out this morning that they want to go at 6 and they will give us a ride to the ferry so it will work out.
What I was confused about is that I am more than willing to accommodate things (i.e. drive in, etc) IF they had communicated that with us. I recognize it is his birthday and all—but I hate to put all this extra burden on my GF and I if we didn’t need to. If they had talked to me yesterday I could have made the decision to drive in, etc. But without communicating–it makes it a bit more difficult.
And I didn’t feel right to confront him. I had responded by email and asked him once already–anything beyond that seems like nagging. I figured we had given him and his wife a chance to respond–they for whatever reason chose not to.
So we made the assumption that we would leave in time to catch the 8:30 ferry regardless of whatever decision they had made. I figured I would put my destiny in my own hands But they adjusted the time enough that it won’t be an issue–but man it would have been easier if they had just communicated it. That is why I was thinking it was an ‘expectations’ issue. To them the difference in time probably doesn’t mean much–but to us it is huge.
oh well-all is ending well and that is the important thing. I get up at 4:30 to catch the ferry as it is.
No, honey, go on and leave when you need to. You’ve made plenty of effort to be accommodating, and all you asked was that they let you know in enough time for you to make necessary arrangements. And they couldn’t even be bothered to discuss it in a reasonable time frame, which clearly indicates to me how high up the priority list your presence is. So I say fuck 'em. I know it’s this fellow’s birthday and all, but the fact that it’s your birthday doesn’t make you the center of the universe, nor does it excuse from basic courtesy and consideration for others.
But they adjusted the time enough that it won’t be an issue–but man it would have been easier if they had just communicated it. That is why I was thinking it was an ‘expectations’ issue. To them the difference in time probably doesn’t mean much–but to us it is huge.