Friday is a regular board game night. With one exception, the regulars have known each other for over twenty years.
This week was a birthday, so we decided to meet early, at 6:30 instead of 7:30, at a restaurant a block and a half from the condo where we gather. We ate at this same restaurant for the same occasional the last two years. One friend couldn’t make it until 50 minutes after the scheduled time, he said. No problem. We figured he’d meet us at the restaurant when he arrived, or call (he has all our phone numbers).
Well. 7:20 comes and goes. We figure he’s getting something to eat. We have coffee and dessert, and the check takes forever to arrive. It still hasn’t arrived at about 7:50 to 8 when our host gets a text from the late friend. I don’t know what exactly was said, but he indicated he was at the condo. I agree to go back with the keys while everyone else settles the still not arrived bill. I get there, he’s not there. It turns out he’d come and left.
I ask about this today. The friend indicated he was upset at us for making him cool his heels “for an hour”. I ask why he didn’t come to the restaurant he knew we were at. Why would he come over an hour late, he says, I had to eat too. He felt we were thoughtless, but he’d get over it.
Am I missing something here? Were we the thoughtless ones, assuming that he’d arrive or call before waiting for anywhere near like an hour? There was a new take out restaurant right next door he could’ve gotten food at if he’d come. I’m a little offended that he thought we’d just leave him like that, but I’m wondering if we’re missing something here, and if we really were the thoughtless ones.
Off course not. Your friend expected you guys at 7.30 and knew you knew he would be there as well. In his mind you were have some extra drinks while not considering/caring about him waiting. Hence the “screw y’all then” response in going home.
No, you guys weren’t thoughtless for making him wait without letting him know you were late and why. He was for waiting for you at the time you guys designated you would meet up. He is obviously a jerk and I would unfriend him on all my social media.
You told him the plan in advance, right? He knew where and when you all were? (I’m not totally clear on this.)
Now, if he didn’t know…if he expected you one place and time, and you weren’t there…he still has a recourse: call or text! He has no business getting fussy that you weren’t where he thought you would be: he has a way to find out what’s happening.
All of this doesn’t make sense to me. He’s making something out of nothing, and he had the answers in his hand the whole time anyway.
So…shrug. Apologize, make sure everyone has everyone else’s number, make sure everyone knows what the plan is going forward…and…
I checked the email chain just to be sure; yes, he knew everything about the dinner plans.
I guess the basic question is this: was it reasonable for all four of us in the restaurant party to assume he’d either come directly to the restaurant, or call when he arrived? The condo doesn’t always allow people off the street to just walk in; he often, but not always, has to call our host on his cell phone anyway so he can be let in. I have no idea what he was doing or where he was waiting all that time he says he was.
Let’s assume some miscommunication. He expected you to get to a restaurant at 6:30 get seated order eat pay up and get to the condo all reliably within an hour; you expected him to join you there late or call. Crossed wires and his expectation not really realistic unless this was a restaurant with Golden Arches, but cut the guy some slack.
Assuming he arrived at 7:30 (by his report and hour late) then he waited less than 30 minutes before he texted. But yeah 30 minutes waiting after you’ve rushed to get somewhere can feel forever. Cut slack for the exaggeration too.
Maybe it would’ve been above and beyond nice to have texted him at 7:30, when he was 10 minutes past when he said he’d be there, asking where he was and letting him know you were getting close to finishing up there. It would have made him feel thought of and missed maybe?
But no it was not thoughtless to not do so.
I’d assume that whatever made him late was also otherwise stressing him out and that his reaction was more about that. No harm in being the mensch and apologizing for not updating him after it was clear he was not showing up at the restaurant on time. And then maybe, if he’s a long time friend, separately next Friday reach out to see if he is otherwise okay in life?
He’s a grown-up with a phone, he could have used it to see where you were at as soon as he arrived, or even better, when he was heading out to let you know he was en route. He can get over it.
I think you should simply drop it, don’t even bother trying to go through the events of that evening with him to explain your case.
If it’s a one- off and otherwise he’s a good friend then chalk it up to missed expectations. I would have called when I arrived and would assume others would do the same. He obviously assumed otherwise.
Both of you should have stayed in touch about the situation. If I’m going to be even 5-10 minutes late anywhere, I always send a text to let the person know. He could have texted you to let you know what he was up to, and you should have texted him to let him know you were waiting on the check…just to make sure a situation like this didn’t happen. Don’t make a big deal of it and just mention that you both should do a better job at communicating next time.
You can pretty much always assume miscommunication.
You: We’re getting together early this time.
Him: I can’t be there early.
You: No problem.
This bare-bones exchange leads to two contradictory conclusions.
You: So you’ll join us there when you can.
Him: So I’ll meet you at the regular place at the regular time.
You weren’t “wrong” but neither was he.
You (the group) can either apologize for your half of the miscommunication and hope he apologizes for his half, or you can say something nonapologetic like “Gee, sorry the wires got crossed” and all of you can mumble for awhile until the hurt feelings go away.
To smooth things over, if he’s otherwise a good guy and good addition to the group, just apologize for the miscommunication and say that you hope he will be at next week’s board game night.
Even if it was miscommunication that both parties contributed to equally, his reaction indicates he’s irrationaly offended.
No one “made” him wait for an hour. When he arrived at the condo and saw no one was there, that should’ve been his cue to call and inquire about your ETA. Rather than doing that, it seems as though he just sat there passively, letting himself get bothered by your apparent thoughtlessness.
In his position, I probably would’ve assumed the miscommunication was entirely my fault since I was the only person deviating from the crowd. So I can’t relate to him assigning blame to yall.
Is he the “one exception” to the 20-year friendship?
Anyway, it sounds to me like he might have social anxiety. He’s not entirely sure he is wanted.
I don’t know that apologies are needed here, so much as just a reassurance that you wanted him there, and missed him,and hope to see him next week.
And as DSeid said, waiting time is longer when you’re anxious.
It’s also possible that he may have been incredibly late, feeling guilty, and trying to cover for it. Or maybe he didn’t have any money for a restaurant and so felt awkward going there.
Bottom line, is this new behavior for him? If so, try to respond as a concerned friend. not a defensive host.
Mountains out of molehills. Their was a breakdown in communications, not just of who’s where but of emotions also. Nobody knew the full situation and your friend got upset because his emotions filled in the gaps. Now you are a little upset because you don’t really know what he was thinking and feeling, and now your emotions are filling in the gaps in turn. These things happen and if you can just accept that then you can all just get on being buddies.
Sounds like miscommunication to me, too. He sounds like he may have been stressed about something unrelated or maybe it was the adrenaline of rushing, but he doesn’t sound like a head case. Even if you don’t think it was your fault, if his friendship is important, take the high road and say you’re really sorry for the misunderstanding (which you are!), and then make some small talk about next week’s meetup.