Ok, so earlier this week I asked a friend if she and her kids and her new boyfriend would like to come to dinner at some point this weekend. She told me they could only make it Sunday, so I said that was fine. I said to come over mid-afternoon and we’d eat early evening. She agreed.
Today I texted her and said they should come over around 3ish. She replied that she wasn’t sure what time they would be there since she was helping a friend move out of town and would be driving home from about 4 hrs away that morning. I said maybe we should postpone. She said, no, it would be fine she didn’t want to disappoint the kids, really wanted to see us, etc. I said, Ok…text me your ETA Sunday morning.
A little while later she texts be, “oh btw, Pete has to work until 6, so he will join us as soon as he can for dinner”. (I have not yet replied to this.)
Now I’m really frustrated. First of all he works about 30-40 mins away from our house, so we’re looking at him getting here around 7ish…if he gets out relatively on time. He works at an auto dealership, so I’m not counting on him getting to leave at 6 on the dot. Holding dinner until 7:30-8 is very late to eat on a Sunday for us. Suburban Plankton has to be at work at 7 the next morning. If they got here at 3 and we ate at 6pm and then they left after dessert, like at 9pm, that would be lots of hanging out time. One of the main reasons for this dinner was for us to get to know Pete better, but if he doesn’t even get here until 7:30…we’ll there almost isn’t a point. If it was a Friday or Saturday, it would be no problem.
How awfully rude would it be for me to just say, look I don’t think it’s going to work out let’s do it another time? or I suppose I could just say that SP had to go into work on Sunday evening (sometimes he actually does) which would be easier, but a lie.
I would have no problem telling a friend “this just isn’t working for me - how 'bout we shoot for next week or the week after” and I’m quite confident none of my friends would take offense.
If you think it’s gonna cause a stink then my advice would be to choose the path that’s easiest for you. You went out of your way to be a good host, that doesn’t mean you agreed to be stepped all over.
Yeah, it seems like your friend is getting to call all the shots here. If the revised plans don’t work for you, it’s perfectly okay for you to say so.
So something like ‘Sorry, we need to have an early dinner on Sunday. Let’s postpone and I’ll contact you later to arrange a date/time that suits both of us.’
Thanks for your replies. I woke up this morning less frustrated and more clear headed. I realized I needed to take control of the situation.
This is a good friend and I am thinking she didn’t want to be the one to cancel on us because she overbooked herself and her boyfriend. She always thinks she can do everything and she doesn’t want to tell people no (like the friend she’s agree to help move out of town). I’m guessing her boyfriend is going to be happy not to have to work all day Sunday, drive across the county and have dinner with people he barely knows.
I ended up texting her this morning (haven’t heard back yet). I said that we do want to get to know Pete and since he would get here so late, let’s try for a weekend that isn’t so busy.
I know her and she will either be relieved and fine with it, or pissy for a while then realize it will all be much easier this way. Either way, I can deal.
I’d bet Pete has to work every weekend, so he will always be arriving late. Tell your friend that you have to serve dinner no later than 6pm on Sundays, but Fridays of Saturdays you are more flexible and to pick a different week.
I just had a similar thing come up where my wife and I wanted to have dinner with a friend who moved to town not long ago and his girlfriend. We wanted to have them over at our house because my wife is an epic cook, but one or both of them seemed to be busy every weekend and so only a weekday would work. Oh, except that we live at opposite ends of the city and geographically, each of us work in far flung areas of the city as well. So essentially, it was a burden for them to even get to our place on a weekday, and besides, it didn’t give my wife any time to cook unless she did something in a crock pot, which is not her style, or made it in advance and re-heated it, which she also did not want to do.
Ultimately, we just figured out that the only way to make it work was to go to a restaurant in the middle of the city, and the time that would otherwise be lost to cooking and cleaning was eliminated. This worked out well because like you, we had to eat late to accommodate everyone’s schedules.
Either this or explain that you’ll be eating earlier, but will be more than happy to wrap up a big plate for Pete to grab or for her to take home to him.
I think this is probably the case. I don’t really know about auto sales, but I am guessing the weekend is their busiest time. In my circle of friends, nearly everyone works “day jobs” or doesn’t work outside the home. I don’t mind accommodating his schedule at all. I just wish I’d been told sooner (preferably when I suggested the gathering) that it would have to be late in the evening.
I asked her to see if she can get his schedule and see if there’s a day off that would work or a free Friday or Saturday night after work they could come over since we could totally sleep in the next day.
Exactly what I would have done - “oh, what a shame that Pete can’t make it on time, since it’s too late to change things now. Well, tell him to hurry as fast as he can. We’ll stick to our original schedule and if he doesn’t make it, you can take him some leftovers.”
Yeah, if these were my good friends, I’d just put aside a plate for them, and reheat it whenever they arrive. The not actually getting in as much time as you’d like, that’s a different kettle of fish.
But I have friends that have busy schedules and sometimes the: ‘Come. Eat. Run, it’s okay!’ thing, really does work out best, for them. I don’t mind, I still get to see them and visit a bit. It’s at my house, so if they’re gone in a whirlwind, it’s not so bad really. I don’t mind it at all.
Spending a little time with this fellow may give everyone the incentive to paste together something else soon, maybe.
Granted I am an introvert, but if a friend’s invite to dinner came with the expectation/hope that we’d spend 6 hours there, and that 2-3 hours would be considered “not worth it”, I would be accepting fewer invitations.
Guests don’t get to call the shots in my world, other than food allergies. I don’t mind some compromise, but these “friends” are just jerking the host around unnecessarily.
Ok, so here’s an update: we’re going to do it another weekend. My friend explained her boyfriend’s schedule to me and we’ll find a day soon where he doesn’t have to work all day, then drive 40 minutes or so to have a late dinner then turn around and drive home again.
We’ve been friends for 14 years, this isn’t going to lead to “accepting fewer invitations”. What happened here is that she didn’t want to disappoint me by saying no to my invitation to dinner, even though they were really busy. Yesterday, when I tried confirm the time, she admitted she wasn’t sure what time she’d get there due to moving another friend out of town (4 hrs away) and that her boyfriend had to work late. Really, she should have just told me they were too busy and could we do it another time. She overbooked herself and her family, and didn’t want to let anyone down. It’s not the first time she’s done this and usually I cave and just bend to whatever works for her. This time, though, with my husband having to get up so early the next morning, it just wouldn’t work.