The “Cat-Pee Barbie” thread reminded me of conversations I’ve had with friends about the unholy things we did to our (or our sibling’s) Barbies.
I remember playing “Chappaquiddick Barbie.” I’d put Barbie and Ken in the Dream Car and drive 'em into the bathtub. Ken would swim away, and leave Barbie trapped—if you squeezed her hollow little head, she even blew bubbles.
My friend Michael used to play “Kennedy Assassination Barbie,” with one of those Bubble-Do Barbie as Jackie. Only in his version, the car went off a cliff (the coffee table) on the way to Parkland Memorial.
You just KNOW some little kids out there have been playing “Princess Diana Barbie” with those Dream Cars . . .
Whenever I went to my cousins’ house to play, their Barbie would invariably end up tied up with the elevator string from the Barbie Dream House and decapitated. And naked. I really liked to undress the Barbie dolls.
My Barbie became Soldier Barbie when my brother brought out his GI Joe. Mom even made a pair of Barbie camos for her. There was a creek behind our house and we would send Barbie and Joe careening off “cliffs” into the water, get trapped in mudslides and buried in rubble when they triggered the enemy defenses. When they were captured by the enemy, she became Prisoner in Bondage Barbie.
Last week I attended a “Barbie” party at a lesbian couple’s house. The invitations, napkins, paper plates, cups, etc. all had Barbie and her pals plastered all over them; however, the best part of the decorations was the centerpiece on the table. Barbie had been given a mullet and was dressed in torn jeans, a flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off, and work boots. They had even fashioned a little tool belt for her. Ken was dressed in a ball gown and pumps.
“POW” Barbie - Barbie gets ‘interrogated’ by Ken, but G.I. Joe always came to the rescue (at least while he was full-sized G.I. Joe, not the miniJoe version made during the 1970s oil crisis).
Then there was always Ken and Skipper…
Barbie and her posable dog…
“Catherine the Great” (Barbie and her poseable horse…)
Quadruple-amputee Barbie (my little sister chewed the hands and feet off).
Barbie and Ken take the Barbie Camper[sup]TM[/sup] [complete with fake campfire] out into the isolated wilderness and meet up with the Wolfman (courtesy of the neighbor kid’s horror monster collection). Oh, the humanity.
Barbie gets her hair cut (“Mom, I need a new doll.”). Doll hair does not grow back, and she looks like she had lice.
Personally, I want to get the “Trailer-Trash” Barbie - Barbie’s blond hair has a HUGE black root streak down the middle, she’s wearing Daisy Duke shorts and a halter, and has a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. The caption on the box says [paraphrased] “My daddy says I’m the best kisser this side of the Ozarks”. (Definitely NOT by Mattel.)
And now that I have previewed, I see that plnnr has met “Cross-Dressing Ken”, also. My CDK loved the red gingham and lace country-girl dress.
Early on I discovered that the hole a 5/16" drill bit makes is the perfect size for fitting the socket of a Barbie arm. So with a few Barbies as raw materials you can make one Krishna Barbie[sup]TM[/sup].
I found that a little black twistie and some black string make a mighty fine cat o’ nine tails for Barbie. The worst thing I did was cut a doll’s hair so she resembled my boss at the time, find and or alter clothing to make a great lil dominatrix outfit for the doll, put the cat o’ nine in her hand and find an obscenely shaped yam for Barbie to ride. I then presented it to my boss, who claimed she hated recieving birthday presents. She liked this one though, and left it on display behind the bar, after fashioning “reins” for the yam. (I was 25 at the time, too). Not that ghastly, I know. I am more of a “gummi bears arranged in an orgy” kinda girl, I guess.
"You could really role-play with Barbie, couldn’t you? Barbie and Midge would hug each other, then Barbie and Midge would kiss each other… then Midge would move into Barbie’s dream house, then Midge would tie Barbie up, get out the leeeeetle Barbie toys, smoke leeeeeetle Barbie cigarettes… then they’d have a fight, Midge would start seeing Skipper, Barbie would start seeing Tressy, and Chatty Cathy would tell everyone.
“My daughter asked me ‘Mommy, does Barbie come with Ken?’ I said, ‘No, honey. Barbie comes with Midge. She fakes it with Ken!’”
Okay, I will admit I think Barbie has the potential to be a pretty harmful influence for young girls, but I never tortured mine like this!
I had this huge Rubbermaid box with my 2 cars (a Camaro and a pink Rolls Royce!) and 7 or 8 Barbies. Including the Hawaiian one (even tho she did have all caucasian features- I always got a kick out of that). Oh, and all the clothes known to man. Even the gaudy Oscar de la Renta ones. I was a total Barbie fanatic. Tho I never did sucker my parents into buying her houses…I did get that classy silver T-top Camaro that she was waaaay too tall for.
I think the most ghastly thing I ever did to Barbie was make her wear white shoes after Labor Day!
What nobody did Exorcist Barbie??? or the Yellow Knight Barbie…nothing like hacking bits of the limbs off of my sisters old Barbies…many hours were spent doing that…what did you think I was actually playing with them???
KAL Flight 007 Barbie. We took a Matchbox cargo jet, a couple of M-80s, and several Barbies that had been played with into submission and weren’t wanted. Strung the jet from a pulley-driven clothesline, had the Barbies straddle the jet and taped the M-80s to the sides. We “attacked” the hapless passengers with our toy jet fighters, then lit the fuse and hit the dirt.
Witch Trial Barbie: Barbie tied to a stake and questioned: “Are you a Witch?”
B:“NO, I’ve never done anything evil in my life!”
“Yer lyin’!”
:::Douse sticks with lighter fluid and let er rip:::
Wartime Torture Barbie: Cover Barbie with syrup and stake her to an anthill. Lovely.
Miss Firecracker: Tie firecrackers all over Barbie and light. Hurl off the roof with a parachute, only because it made the explosion airborne. This was an offshoot of GI Joe Airborne Missions, cause his hands were the perfect size to hold firecrackers.
I must mention, I hung around boys a lot as a kid…
My sister pissed me off one time, so I decided I’d really show her by creating a big Barbie lovefest. I snuck into her room and undressed all her Barbies and Kens and paired them off. A giant orgy in Barbie’s pink dreamhouse. I was a young kid and was not aware (creative enough to think of?) of anything but the missionary position.
My sister started crying when she found them. She told my mom, and then my mom asked me if I did it. I denied it, and hoped that my Mom would think my eight year old sister had set up the scene. I doubt my mom believed me, but I didn’t get in any trouble, so it’s all good.
B-grade Sci-Fi-Horror movie Barbie… “What will happen to poor Barbie when the giant sheep invade her planet?” (she got trampled)
Jungle Barbie meets the Giant Sheep… Dress barbie in edible plants (ones favored by the sheep), feed her to sheep, laugh as she goes flying off into the side yard when the sheep get annoyed at the stupid plasting thing inside their treat.
Buckaroo Barbie… tie barbie loosely by the hands to the back of a sheep, watch sheep attempt to buck her off.
Also, we always had Barbie owning all the cool stuff, and GI Joe (he of the Kung-fu grip that had been over-used… you know how those joints get kind of, well, limp-wristed?) anyway, GI Joe and Ken would always run off together into the bushes…
Can’t recall any others just now. Oh, and yeah, we raised orphan sheep when I was a kid (and ate them, too). Sheep were rather fun, actually!
