We have an older neighbor that we’ve become really good friends with. She doesn’t have a lot of family so we like to make sure she’s OK but more than that, we just like to be good neighbors. We have invited her over to dinner, taken her flowers for her birthday and special occasions, and generally just think of her as we would any other friend. We don’t do anything extravagant and it’s not anything we go out of our way for. To us, it’s just being friendly. If I’m out mowing my grass, I’ll go ahead and do hers (we live in a duplex). If we go and buy flowers for our flowerbeds, we’ll pick up a few extra for her. When we bake cookies, we make a few extra to take over. At first, she insisted that she had to repay us somehow for our kindness. We clearly told her it was no big deal, we weren’t looking for anything in return, we were just being friendly. No matter what we’ve said to her, if we do anything on her behalf, she MUST repay us somehow. If we take her cookies, she has to bring us fudge. If we plant flowers, she must bring over a potted plant. If we invite her to dinner, she must bring a dish over the following week. It’s not the back and forth that I mind since all friends do things for each other all the time. It’s the fact that she feels obligated. She can’t accept anything without insisting that she has to do something in return. Even when we are clear that something is a gift and no response is needed, she has to do something in return. She’s on a fixed income and doesn’t need to spend money on us. She came over for a visit recently and we told her that we had a virtually new window AC unit that was too big to fit in our windows. We were thinking of selling it but wondered if she would be willing to swap one of her smaller units with our bigger unit. In the same visit, she asked about our new toaster oven and we were describing all the features including the air fryer option which we really liked. She finally accepted our offer to swap the AC units and I told her I would bring the larger unit over and get it installed in her window for her. No big deal and it saved us having to deal with selling it and we got a smaller unit that worked better for us. We were clear that we had no use for the AC since it wouldn’t fit, we were happy to let her have it to save us from selling it, and I didn’t mind coming next door to install it. Next day she shows up with: a brand-new Lodge enameled cast iron pot, a faux-fireplace she said she didn’t really use (even though it was in her living room), and a virtually new toaster oven even though we had just finished showing her the new unit we just bought. WTF? Why would you do that? We don’t need the things she brought over but we can’t tell her no and not accept them without hurting her feelings. It’s gotten to the point where we have to consciously decide whether to do something nice. We hate having to be that way.
This was too mild for the pit but just wanted to rant a little bit. Being nice to someone who always insists that every good deed must be matched is exhausting.
That lady sounds mentally exhausting to have to live near.
There’s someone in my family that, while not quite as hair-trigger for tit-for-tat-ness, but is I guess somewhat narcissistic ( maybe? ) in that when they reciprocate, feel very entitled to receiving instant thanks, and feel slighted if they don’t receive them. Not phone calls, emails, texts, but they want mailed thank you note cards. Equally exhausting.
Our theory is that if someone gives her something, she feels like she owes a “debt” to return the favor and she can’t stand being in debt to someone. Maybe this is her one character flaw since she’s otherwise really sweet and kind. Maybe it’s a generational thing (she’s in her 70’s and widowed). Regardless, we try our best to be good neighbors with no expectation for anything in return so it’s more annoying than anything.
My inlaws have lived in the same house for 45 years. Their neighbor across their street had lived there for 20 years longer than they have. My MIL befriended the woman across the street shortly after they moved in in the mid 1970’s. In the first 15 - 20 years, they were just friendly neighbors. By the late 90’s, the health of the husband of the woman across the street began to turn for the worse. My MIL began to reach out to assist in his care from time to time.
After he passed, my MIL was also there to help the woman across the street when she discovered evidence of numerous past affairs that her husband had had during their marriage.
As the neighbor’s own health began to deteriorate, my MIL would drive her to doctor appointments, run errands like grocery shopping and banking. My MIL would also make a plate every night at dinner time and my FIL would walk it over to to give to the neighbor for her dinner.
Eventually the neighbor’s health deteriorated to the point that she gave my MIL her medical power of attorney. Upon her death, the neighbor’s attorney reached out to my MIL and let her know that she had been left a little over half of the neighbor’s estate, roughly $2MM.
My in-laws never did anything for their neighbors with an expectation of any sort of reciprocation.
If it’s exhausting for you, imagine how exhausted she is. Not to mention that if she is on a fixed income she probably can’t keep up with you. You know what she’s like now so you should stop buying her stuff. No matter what gift giving etiquette you follow, she has a different way of doing things and you are not going to change that.
Maybe she like doing nice things for you but is too insecure to give to you first and needs an excuse to do what she wanted to do in the first place.
Anyway, people doing nice things for you is not what I call a problem. If you don’t understand what a problem actually is them maybe there needs to be a thread about that.
It would probably help her out quite a lot if you could think of what she COULD do in return, and suggest it. That way she wouldn’t be buying you things she can’t afford, etc. Can she knit? Sew? Ask her to knit you a hat or hem your pants. Could she watch your kids, pick up milk for you at the store — anything?
It isn’t “pathological” to not want to feel that you are dependent on others’ kindness, but have the wherewithal to return favors.
From long study (also called ‘making a lot of social blunders’), I have come to the understanding that there really isn’t such a thing as a “free gift” or “just being nice”. There is virtually always some kind of expectation of return, even if it is no more than a simple thank you. You may not think so because you have not had someone shower largesse on you, gifts or favors that you have no way of reciprocating nor any hope of doing so in the future. It makes the receiver at first feel grateful, but eventually, there will be some kind of shame or even resentment that will build up, probably unconsciously.
Gifts are never “just” gifts.
Remember the Northwest natives’ Potlatch, where the chief who gave away the most stuff accrued the most power? There is a message for all of us there, and it isn’t about Christian charity.
If you continually treat someone like a friend, you’re in danger of that person believing you are in fact their friend. And most friends worth having reciprocate kindnesses.
I would say that keeping in mind that you owe someone a dinner or a favor is not the same as feeling you have to give exactly the same in return, and to do it immediately. Unless you’re Sheldon Cooper. The rest of us figure that the give and take between friends will even out over time.
As for the OP, I think some folks here have the right of it, you giving things and doing favors is stressful for your neighbor, and you’re not going to be able to change that. I would stop doing some of those things as a matter of routine, like the cookies and the plants. Maybe it would even be a good idea to have a nice talk with her, explaining why you’re pulling back and that it is no reflection on your feelings for her as a friend. (That would be a difficult conversation, I expect, but the worst thing would be for her to feel that maybe her reciprocal gifts weren’t enough so you’re pulling back because you’re disappointed.)
Not the same situation at all, but we have had these neighbors for a few years, and the husband loves to fish – near-coast ocean fishing, I think it must be… He kept bringing us bags of fresh fish and crabs and things. The thing is, we didn’t want it, although we always ate it because to do otherwise was wasteful. We finally worked up the nerve to tell him that we just weren’t that into seafood, and we thanked him for the thought. We never reciprocated anything either, he didn’t seem to care, he just had too many fish and wanted to give them away. I hope he found someone else who appreciated them more than we did.
This. She obviously feels compelled to reciprocate, this means, from her point of view, every time you do something for her you are putting a burden on her to do something for you. This could be ok if she genuinely enjoys reciprocating the favours, but it is also possible that it makes life stressful and unpleasant for her.
I view gifts as being about the recipient. Maybe your kindnesses (and they are rather remarkable and selfless kindnesses) are finding the wrong target and having a result other than the one you clearly desire.
How comfortable would you be in having a conversation about this with her ?
If you’re making somebody who feels financially limited, but also struggles to feel truly independent, feel like she must reciprocate, you really may not be doing her any favors at all.
But there aren’t too many ways to actually find out. Mostly, I think you’d find out by initiating a possibly difficult conversation with her.