Gift Quandry

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I posted a while ago about a situation I encountered with our neighbor and ended up getting what proved to be some very good advice here. So I’m hoping the Dope can make it happen again. In brief, we’ve enjoyed good relations with our next door neighbor for a number of years. She and her son moved in next door shortly after divorcing her very abusive ex-husband. She moved in having limited means, and no local support network whatsoever. On a few occasions she’s experienced some health issues which have required sometimes extended (~ a couple weeks) recovery times where she was more or less bed-ridden. During these times my wife and I stepped in to temporarily help take care of some of the household chores that she couldn’t, such as: cooking meals for them, helping her son get off to school in the morning, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, getting the mail, taking her to doctor appointments, etc. until she was back on her feet.

I should mention our son is the same age as hers and they are inseparable. Our son, evidently, let slip to his buddy that our decades old microwave had recently died and we were looking at maybe getting a replacement after the next paycheck. Yesterday we got a microwave delivered to our front door. Seems our neighbor had taken the initiative - without consulting us - and bought a new microwave for us as a ‘thank you for all you’ve ever done’ gift. We’re not talking about some $70 Walmart microwave either. We’re talking about a high end model that goes for around $500! I have no idea where she got this kind of money because this represents probably an entire week’s wages for her and I know for fact that they’ve been living paycheck to paycheck with her cutting hair and getting (very) infrequent child support checks for as long as she’s lived next door.

What our neighbor lacks in smarts and education, she makes up for in having a very big heart. I don’t know how she could afford this gift. I’m concerned she’s done something foolish like pay for this with a high interest credit card and will need to devote the next decade to paying this off making minimum payments. That would be her m.o. At the same time, I can hear the words of Gandalf in my head, “generous deed should not be checked by cold counsel.” She already suffers from serious self-esteem issues and I don’t want to trod on her feet by proclaiming this is “too much” and refusing her gift that clearly came from the heart and serves as a tangible display of how deep her gratitude is. Earlier I figured out a way I could put some coin back in her pocket by having her cut my (and my son’s) hair, but it would take years to re-pay in this manner.

I really don’t know how to play this one, but need to have a game plan how to deal with this pretty quick. Is there a way to gracefully say no? Maybe I could bury a cash box at night in her yard, then the next day ask for permission to use a metal detector in her yard and happy coincidence ‘find’ $500 buried in her yard, which I could promptly hand over to her? But seriously, I don’t want to see her going into debt or maybe depriving the two of them basic goods in order to pay for this well-intentioned extravagance. What to do?

2

Graciously accept her gift to you. You might remark you think it’s a titch extravagant or more than you’d have spent, but be profuse in your gratitude.

That’s all. Don’t overthink this. You don’t know she didn’t win it in a raffle, and it’s a little judgey to make assumptions about her financial choices, even if you feel they may well be accurate.

The universe may present an opportunity for you to repay her kindness in time. Relax and let that happen. It wouldn’t hurt to be uffusive around her child, about this generosity. Y’know, repay them by simply making them feel really good about what they’ve done. She may feel she ‘can never repay’, what you did stepping in when they really needed it. So make her feel like she DID, like she hit a home run!

I think it’s a mistake to do otherwise, to be honest.

3

What elbows says is great advice!

You don’t know the ins and outs of her finances. You know what you know from a high level. You don’t get to tell her how to spend her money. You don’t know how she got the microwave (maybe her bff works at a scratch 'n dent store and it was $100 not $500). You may have given her what amounts to tens of thousands of dollars of help in the form of time and friendship over the years, and it gnaws at her, and this is her version of $500 in cash in a metal box in the yard.

Accept it graciously, and continue to be excellent neighbors and friends.

4

elbows got the right answer in one.

5

^ What they said.

6

Yes, what elbows said.

If you turn this down (or give it back), it will be like:

  • saying to a woman “When is the baby due?” and discovering she is not pregnant :smack:
  • telling your neighbour that she’s financially incompetent :mad:
  • shouting at someone to look where they are going and discovering they are blind :eek:
  • telling your neighbour that you don’t want her ‘charity’ :frowning:
  • giving her son the idea that thanking people is wrong :confused:
7

Maybe she got a big tax refund. Accept it, thank her profusely and smile. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

8

Learning that you needed this was probably a god send to her. I bet she’s been eagerly awaiting a good excuse to repay your kindness to her.

Say thank you and maybe gently chide her to never do anything so extravagant again. Say that with a smile.

Enjoy your new microwave. :slight_smile:

9

I’ve been this person, I’m sure you’re absolutely right. She felt indebted for some time and probably worried about it until she got this for your family. The thing to do would be to use that microwave for a meal you can invite them over to eat w/ your family, where you talk about anything but finances and attitudes towards them.