Domestic Discipline, Taken in Hand, or BDSM?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Ok, first let me start by saying this. I have been in the military for over 13 years so, I have no problem with being stern or anything like that.

Recently, my wife and I have been discussing different things we want to do to better our lives and to better our household. My wife stumbled across Taken in Hand. For some of you this may seem unrealistic or even not even possibly something that you would try in your home/ bedroom. But honestly I like the idea of it.

My wife likes to be dominated, she likes me to talk dirty to her, and she even likes to be punished in the bedroom. My serious questions will revolve around the title of this post though. Even though I have no problem being stern, and I am able to look at someone and they automatically know that I should be taken seriously, I have trouble talking dirty to my wife. To me she is to be caressed/ not spanked or tortured. So this is my downfall, and somehow I must overcome this and I will!

So I have read a lot about Taken in Hand and also a lot about Domestic Disipline! To me DD is a step above TiH because it involves minor BDSM. I really though after reading all of the ideas from other people and truthfully their aren’t a lot of stories to read, maybe due to the internet being scensored. I would really like to know where to start. I haven’t been home in almost a year and my wife wants me to start this type of behavior as soon as I get home, which will be in less than a month. I like the idea of Gags and minor whips. I also like the thought of spanking her bottom, but I will use a paddle or a whip as I feel it would make more of a statement rather than my hand stinging or what have you, after all she wants punished right? Noow to the flip side of this my wife is an alpha female and she ussually feels the need to control all situations, so I feel that she is going to fight me tooth and nail on the whole idea even though she wants it. I honestly just really dont know where to begin. I also like the thought of tieing her up, but she said she isnt sure that she will like that. Any thoughts on any of this? I am serious!

2

Welcome to the Dope, cssmith42911.

I’ve reported this thread for a forum change; while your post may seem to be a question, this forum is intended for questions with definitive answers; it looks like you’re looking for opinions.

With any luck, this will soon be moved to our IMHO forum.

3

I know BDSM, but not the others. Two things come to mind.

  1. What exactly are you trying to get out of this? Are you improving your sex life, are you trying to change her behavior, what?

  2. If you are going to do physical discipline, DO YOUR RESEARCH. I’d suggest finding a local BDSM group (not necessarily a club) and finding someone to show you how. Paddling can leave very bad bruises. Whips can cause serious injuries. If you actually mean flogging (mult-tailed whips), there is a huge variety that cause a variety of sensations.

From five seconds of googling, I’d say Taken in Hand also has a lot of BDSM overtones. It looks like what the BDSM community refers to as 24/7, which I have some knowledge of. (Actually the FAQ I saw immediately made me think ‘this is BDSM from someone who doesn’t know what BDSM is like.’)

If you’re serious about this, the Straight Dope may not be the right place to ask. I recommend at very very least, buy ‘The Topping Book’ and read the hell out of it (‘The Bottoming Book’ is also very good). Fetlife.com is also a good resource - there are a ton of groups there you can ask questions of. If you live in Southern California, look up WCPX (West Coast Power Exchange).

4

This one was destined for IMHO, not General Questions. Moved.

samclem, Moderator

5

From what I have read, someone who is very Alpha in other aspects of their life (home, school, work) are often the most likely to engage in recreational D/S, which is what this “taken in hand” sounds like. Your wife is creating a scenario or situation in which she, for once, has (the illusion of) limited or no control. She is making you the one to call the shots.

I would second most of what Silver Tyger said, and would also recommend having a long talk with the wife ahead of time. With this sort of thing, there are rules and limits.

As for caressing and loving, that is part of it too, at least it was in my experience. After binding the wife, spanking her and otherwise doing these activities, there was a long snuggle session, with lots of stroking of hair and skin and non-sexual touching. I lavished her with praise, and afterwards it always left a very good feeling with her. Or so she said. :slight_smile:

Look up safe words and how to use them, talk over limits with your wife, do some research before you plunge into this world. Really.

6

I got a vasectomy. Rubbers piss me off.

7

Ahh, the old “topping from the bottom” trick. I have dabbled in BDSM (long time ago) and never met a bottom who was a true submissive. The one I knew best was a pain slut who liked topping from the bottom, but became enraged if you told her she was doing it.

I would tread extraordinarily carefully here. Most of the people I met in that subculture were profoundly fucked up in many ways. Mine was a classic Borderline, and she hurt me many times. Totally promiscuous. When I became involved with my current partner, she went batshit, trying to get me back. I laughed at her crocodile tears messages she left on my cell phone. Fool me once…

If your wife is an otherwise good person and you trust her like no other, give her what she wants. BUT…keep your head up and your eyes wide open.

8

I do not know what Taken In Hand or Domestic Discipline are, and I’m too lazy to google them. (I mean, I know what they mean normally, but as you capitalized them, which I presume means you’re referring to two different relationship ‘rule sets’ which which I am not familiar)

The good thing is that you both sound interested in games on the same axis. However, it sounds like you might be making a fairly serious mistake. Relationship rule sets are games and fantasy. There’s a fundamental truth about these kinds of games that most of these rule set don’t mention, and it’s important. **This is about her, not you. Any power you have is power she has given you, and it will last only as long you use it in ways she wants you to. ***

The first corilary of this rule is also important: You’re going to do all the work and have all the responsibility, and she’s going to have more fun than you do. Which is not to say that the rewards for being on top are not many and profound, and there are frequently blowjobs as well. It is does require the investment of effort and energy, and there are risks if you’re too lazy to learn how to play safely.

So, short version, just because she gets tingly by thinking that you’re the boss, even if she tells herself that you’re the boss, you’re not. You can’t change the rules, only she can do that. Now, she’ll probably want you to tell her what they are, but they’re her rules, not yours. Don’t forget that.

So how do you figure out what the rules are? You talk to her. You find a starting level where everyone’s comfortable, make sure she has a way to let you know if things are getting uncomfortable (and knows you want her to use it if needed) and that’s where you play. Once you’re both familiar with and used to with what you’re doing, you can introduce new things, but she has to be able to trust you’ll stop if she wants too, and you have to be able to trust that she’ll tell you to stop.

Also remember, this is supposed to be fun. Don’t get so caught up with doing things right that you forget that. Safety is critical, and true consent is critical. The rest of it is fun. Don’t get too caught up in rituals, unless you’re enjoying the rituals for their own sake. “Stop!” is a perfectly acceptable safeword. It’s all right if a fit of giggles makes you break character, and she’d rather you get the rope harness done fast and lopsided, and get on to the spanking than spend an hour getting it perfectly even.

That said, safety is important. Never leave anyone restrained unsupervised for longer than it takes to take a piss. Never leave someone unsupervised with a gag in their mouth for even that long. Watch out for anything that could put pressure around the throat or neck. People can and do fall off beds and fall over, and if their arms are tied even a short fall can be serious. Keep a pair of scissors nearby in case you need to cut someone free quickly. Walk before you run (In this case, a hand spanking before a paddle, for God’s sake. She THINKS she wants to be spanked but hasn’t tried it, and you’re already bringing out the hard toys? Baby steps!) Some toys that look innocuous are very painful, and some things that look like torture devices don’t hurt at all, so you’ve got to do your research. Alcohol and kink do not mix.

Also you’re talking like spanking and caressing and cuddling are mutually exclusive. They’re not, and if she’s anything like every sub I’ve ever spoken to, she probably wants all three. You can even do all three concurrently, which can be very rewarding once you get the mix right. Kinky fun is something you ADD to a regular sexual relationship, not something that overwrites it.

And finally, remember that just because someone is talking about relationships online, doesn’t mean that they’re correct, and even if they are correct about their situation, doesn’t mean it applies to yours. Except me, of course.

–
*There are a some situations where this does not apply, but most of them are either abusive, based on an unhealthy power ratio, or both.

9

I’m quoting this because it’s important, but not the whole story exactly.

In any power exchange relationship, technically the bottom / sub has the power to say ‘stop it’ at any time. But it doesn’t feel that way. Which is one reason why it’s vitally important to talk about this stuff regularly. (For the record, this is one reason why I love BDSM relationships, aside from the obvious stuff. The majority of people, at least the ones I’ve met, communicate. In depth and regularly.)

There’s a weird point where from the outside it would be difficult to tell a 24/7 master/slave relationship from an abusive one. (I haven’t been in either of those, but I’ve read blogs). DON’T jump right into that. I jumped into an almost 24/7 (NOT master/slave) relationship as my first BDSM thing and I don’t regret it, but it was unwise.

Ura-Maru might be overstating things (but NOT the safety stuff), but a lot of it depends on the people involved. (My boyfriend get a hell of a charge out of doing things to me and I don’t tell him what to do very often).

Please, please, please do your research.

10

“Domestic Discipline” is clearly BDSM, but it’s BDSM outside of the regular framework of the BDSM community. I’ve read some about it and it’s impossible to miss the underlying motivation for it. But unlike conventional BDSM it tries to masquerade as something other than a kink, which I find faintly disturbing. The conventional BDSM community is pretty big on honesty and taking lots of steps to ensure all the participants have a good time and no one gets hurt, which is important when you’re messing with this kind of thing.

Whereas the “Domestic Discipline” approach starts off wrong, by pretending it’s not BDSM. The fact that it’s founded on lies – the lie that it’s not a kink when it is, the erroneous interpretations of scripture that it’s based on, the pretense that it describes universal gender roles rather than particular kinks only some people enjoy – strikes me as a dealbreaker. And then the fact that it’s not presented as a fun fantasy activity but as something “more” – that’s all pretty creepy.

I think it’s a bad idea to get into something like this in the context of a “movement” founded on everyone pretending that it’s something other than a regular kink. People who want to embark on this sort of thing should do it without lying to themselves.

11

If you want a mind scramble Google Christian Domestic Discipline.

12

Domestic discipline and Taken in Hand aren’t really the same as BDSM. BDSM is more of a sexual thing. DD is more about wanting to have a Lucy and Ricky or John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara kind of relationship, where the man is the leader who is there to give his wife structure to rein in some of her wilder tendencies. Christian DD adds in biblical support for this kind of arrangement which is a little creepy because it should be completely voluntary, not God-mandated.

Is your wife the one asking for this? I think it’s generally the woman who wants a DD relationship. It’s easier to start out by asking your husband to spank you in a sexual context, especially when you’re not completely sure in your own mind about what you want, but it’s really about the need for external discipline. It’s not about sex, but it is sexy when your husband shows leadership and dominance.

Many people think the idea of DD is weird and controlling, and wonder why a grown woman would let her husband spank her and tell her what to do. She probably has gone back and forth in her mind about this. Giving power over to someone else is scary.
Taken in Hand has a lot of good information about the theory and practice of DD. There’s also a lot of stuff on there that would freak out the normals, but different strokes, etc. What you want to do is just read it, have your wife read it, and decide what seems reasonable to you. Whatever you do, it needs to be a pact between the two of you and no one else. It doesn’t matter how anyone else organizes their personal life, and practicing DD privately doesn’t mean you’re hindering your wife from being a normal grownup woman living a free life.

ETA: While BDSM is actually about “topping from the bottom” where the sub is really in control, DD really is about letting go of control. That’s why you only do it with your husband, who you love and trust.

13

I’m sure what you say matches up with the propaganda of the “Domestic Discipline” crowd. But if you actually ever spend any time reading people’s experiences in Dom/Sub relationships compared to “Domestic Discipline” relationships, it’s pretty clear that the power dynamics are just about identical.

14

Fair enough. I don’t have any BDSM experience. My point is, I guess, that you don’t have to listen to anyone’s propaganda or follow any specific set of rules. Read everything and decide what works for you personally.

15

Whatever you do, ease into this. Don’t jump straight from a vanilla partnership into a 24/7 D/s dynamic. Don’t do full ball gag and body restraints your first time out. Take it in pieces, and test limits one or two at a time. If you go too fast, there’s a real risk one (or both) of you could develop a strong aversion to BDSM altogether, whereas if you’d eased into it you might have gone even further than that!

For a lot of people, the aspects of dominance and submission that turn them on in fantasy or fanfiction don’t turn them on the same way (or at all) when put into practice. Reality is more painful and sticky than a book, you know?

16

If you don’t have any BDSM experience, why are you trying to say what it is or is not?

We had an ‘Ask the’ thread from freekalette who was in a 24/7 relationship. I’m too lazy to find it right now, but the take away from it (or any blog from someone in that sort of thing, which I’m not googling at work) is that you can’t live the high-energy constantly-turned-on sort of BDSM.

Of course what I’m curious about is, hey cssmith42911, you still here?

17

Because the OP asked about Taken in Hand and Domestic Discipline, and I do know quite a bit about that. When I was first exploring the topic, I was turned off by BDSM because it was way more extreme than what I wanted, and when you bring up BDSM people tend to go right to ball gags and whips and chains. DD is not about that. It’s similar, but different. If you want to learn more about DD, researching BDSM is not really going to help that much.

18

But you tried to state what BDSM was, without disclaimer. I know nothing about DD or Taken in Hand and said so. But, whatever.

19

There is a very good website called God’s gift of him. There are several articles written from the male point of view about accepting his wife’s choice of a more submissive relationship. It will start to allow you to see the steps of starting a more taken in hand relationship. There are many ways to start without sex being involved. Before you start having sex in a taken in hand or more dominate relationship, talk! Set rules for what you are both comfortable about. This type of relationship allows for more honest communication that allows both of you what you want/need. The site is godsgifttohim.wordpress.com/ The article is Answers from a dominant husband, it’s in 4 parts and should cover the basics. There’s also a faq section. This is the site I asked my husband to read to be more comfortable in his role as my more dominate man. I hope this helps.

20

I agree that there needs to be a distinction between spanking for discipline and for fun. For example, I have a strong need to have someone take charge and spank me when I am bad or lazy. For me it is an innate need for discipline.

Susie Perkowitz