This indicates to me that, however you are doing parenting, it’s working.
Everyone always has ideas on how you should raise your kids. Maybe some of those ideas are good.
Smile politely, and then do as you think best. You know your kids better than anyone in this thread, and they know you, better than anyone in this thread (including me).
No doubt a lot of parents think “it’s just a little weed, no big deal” and their kids turn out fine. Other parents think “this is a big deal” and their kids still turn out fine.
Which set of parents is right? Who cares, as long as the kids turn out fine. And yours are turning out fine.
Ok, I think the problem may be that I didn’t specify that I was speaking about the drug and family counseling that my friends and family have been through, sometimes repeatedly. I would have imagined that it was apparent that I wasn’t speaking of the practice in general, but that appears to be the confusion.
An now that I think about it, I have been through a state-mandated drug counseling course ages ago for weed possession. It was so poorly thought out and had such a high content of “This was not the money making proposition that I thought it would be, and this is the last of these I’m doing” (literal quote from the lady running the sessions), that it wasn’t going to have any effect whatsoever. So, I figure I can be forgiven for forgetting it earlier. Let’s just say that all counseling isn’t the same. I don’t know how you’d shop for such a thing, but I wish you good luck in finding a good one, Declanium!
Missed the edit window, but: That last wish of good luck might sound flippant, but it isn’t. I know rehab as well as anyone could who hasn’t been in*. At any given time, there are lot of outfits in the rehab world who aren’t doing anyone any good, just soaking up insurance. I’ve even had people say that different Salvation Army locations have very different atmospheres and success rates as a result. If you do get involved in that route, be very careful.
*Yeah, yeah, later I’ll remember that I have been in rehab. I really don’t think I have been. No one’s even offered to put me there.
Bumping this thread, because this discussion with Declanium has continued here, and I think perhaps it should move back to the right thread.
To repeat what I said there:
In other words, this is about keeping up with the Joneses, who have such wonderful and perfect children. This is about her own ego. She sees her sons as her possessions that she can use to show off how what a wonderful mom she is. That’s why there’s this huge over-reaction.
She is not actually devastated about them, but about herself. ‘Other people’s kids are so perfect, and that means other people have beaten me in the competition as to who can bring up their kids better. My kids have failed me and betrayed me, despite all I have done for them, by making me lose the competition to be better than the neighbors.’ She likes to imagine this is about what is best for her kids, but really it’s all about her.
Her sons will be leaving home in a few years, and probably they will do better out of the grip of such a controlling and obsessive mother.
Perhaps… they were smoking dope as a way of dealing with the stress of living with their extremely demanding mother.
I haven’t been following this closely, but while there’s probably some truth in the above post, it seems a little harsh.
I would say that while it may feel lonely, it’s almost certain plenty of other families are going through similar, and worse. People only tend to talk about good stuff, social media being a prime example of this. It’s not uncommon for people to post all about their perfect lives on Facebook while simultaneously having a mental breakdown, for example.
Not infrequently, it’s pretty easy to read between the lines, or even the lines themselves.
A perfect example? People (usually, but not always, women) who all of a sudden constantly post about how they and their partner are so happy, and so in love, yadda yadda yadda, are usually headed to changing their relationship status to “It’s complicated.” Nobody’s lives are that perfect, KWIM?
That’s rich - especially from someone who admits to limited experience w/ drugs or drug users. Sounds like the OP really bought into the whole counseling thing…
Couple of things - there is a VAST difference between how sdifferent people use substances. MANY people (young and old) enjoy an occasional drink of alcohol. Others are binge or habitual drinkers. I would suspect that those who are binge/heavy drinkers when young might be more likely to have undesirable/unhealthy habits continue when older, but I haven’t studied it. And I suspect a similar pattern would hold true for pot. I don’t recall the OP describing how frequently and when the kids got high. There is a WORLD of difference between a couple of hits at a party on a Friday night, and getting stoned every day before school. That the OP does not acknowledge as much, says a lot about her mindset.
And just a datapoint. From high school through college and into young adulthood, there were few people who smoked/drank more than me. I haven’t drunk in 30+ years, smoked in 10+, been married 35 years, have a very secure/well paying job, parented 3 kids all independent and in longterm relationships… Yeah, I guess I’m just a fuckup.
OP responding. And yes, weed is a problem for them. Youngest one especially. He was smoking alone, which is bad. He said he was doing it once every two weeks but that’s not accurate. He had approx $1000 from a part time job and he only had $80 left. Over 10 months, that’s a lot of smoking. Binging as you say.
I’ll add anecdata that I first got high on pot at around 15/16 (I think), not really on a regular basis but would sometimes go out of my way to seek out situations where this was a good possibility. Continued to use it occasionally at university, hardly touched it since and not at all for about 10 years now. Never been tempted to try any other drugs. I think many of my friends had similar experiences. So the part quoted in Dinsdale’s post above is most certainly not inevitable.
OP, do you really think that 1/4 to 1/3 of teens (the percentage of teens who try pot) grow up to be fuck-ups? You are blowing this completely out of proportion.
Your professed lack of parenting skills is dismaying. What kind of relationship do you want to have with your sons 10 years down the road? You’re pretty much ensuring it’ll be poor if you believe what you’re saying here.
Pretty much every kid I grew up with, including myself, tried drugs in their teens (weed and pills most commonly). About half used them regularly. At least 75% of both categories turned out fine as adults.
So, OP - I trust the cnslng didn’t work out as you had hoped?
I’m curious. You see this as a MUCH bigger problem than many of us. How have you tried to address this constructively, and what have the results been? Not many folk were as keen on counselling as you were - your most recent posts suggest it has not been all that you might have hoped. Am I misreading things?
Many of us view this as firmly w/in the realm of expected parenting shit - far milder than many possibilities. If this was such a big deal for so long, how was it that you were unaware until recently? What could you have done differently then and now?
Hell, if you are convinced that the kids are irredeemable fuck-ups - here in IL a kid can become an emancipated adult at age 16 or 17 (I forget which - but I DID know at a time when my youngest was refusing to be at least superficially polite to us.)
Counseling provided me with the directive that a parent can advise, not control. And that despite my advice, the world encouraged their experimentation.
She advised me to prepare to disengage as older son goes to college. He will have to suffer natural consequences of his actions, whether it be legal, health wise, or education wise.
My husband’s family has addiction issues so she feels it was right to get them into counseling.
As someone who doesn’t like drug use and will never do it (or plan to end up with someone who does), even I feel you are over-reacting. I get being disappointed and wanting to turn this around, but treating your kids like pariahs is the LAST thing you should be doing.
My brother was in college when my parents discovered he’d been smoking weed. They had a family talk, and I believe he had to spend the next 2-3 years of school at home (they were paying for his schooling). No one was screaming, no one was shouting. My parents didn’t let on that they were *angry *so much as concerned for his future, as was I. But nothing really changed in how my parents treated him. Nowadays, about 8 years later, you’d never even know it happened at all. They’re aware he still uses sometimes, but he’s an adult and has long since moved out. It’s sort of a don’t ask, don’t tell kind of policy, and everyone gets along great.
I went through a period in school of really shitty grades (mostly in math - I was pretty good everywhere else). I got a few minor punishments like not being able to go out for a period of time (as had my brother). But it was obvious my parents loved me, and still treated me the same.
Let this go. Enforce boundaries, but let them know that nothing has really changed, and you still love them. Don’t be petty and withhold your attention from them, or they’ll likely never reconnect to you the same way again.
Ok, kovitlac. You say “he still uses.”
This fortified my belief that this behavior never goes away.
It’s not being petty. I don’t think doing drugs at any stage of the game is productive.
In their 20’s, I would still think it’s a bad idea to do drugs. Instead focus on career, or relationships, or having families of their own later on. Does anyone think it’s a great idea to smoke pot while minding a toddler? What if you have to drive the child to the ER?
And grades are completely different.
We’ve been thru that and frankly, shitty grades don’t concern me as much as something that could damage you health-wise and kill your spirit.
It’s a bad idea to have a few beers while watching a toddler, but fully functioning adults will regularly have a few beers and get along just fine. Even parents!
Just think of weed like alcohol and you’ll be fine. Doing anything in excess is bad, doing most things in moderation is fine.
Something aint right here. A kid spending close to a grand on weed over a ten month period without his parents realizing? No way.
Let’s say he’s totally getting screwed and is paying $350 for an ounce. That’s 28 grams. I smoke every evening and yet a gram will last me five days. Lets say I go through an additional gram on the weekend, so two grams a week. That $350 ounce will last me 14 weeks.
So yes, I can easily spend a grand on weed over the course of ten months, but I’m obviously stoned much of the time.