You said “old boyfriend” or “chemistry” - I have an old boyfriend I’m still close friends with. Brainiac4 is too - they went to elementary school together. I wouldn’t give up that friendship - but his are about the last arms I’d run into if my marriage were in trouble - his life is a freaking disaster.
The stupidity and self righteousness on the part of RSSchen is just staggering.
The whole “in three years I’ll divorce him and we’ll be married” thing is just so fundamentally deluded, so wilfully ignorant, so desperate an attempt by RSSchen to rationalise her egregious behaviour, it’s almost amusing if you didn’t realise it was aloaded gun held at the head of so many innocent people.
RSSchen, darlin’, that loverboy of yours is gone. You have just offered him a three free pass to fuck you in every back alley over town while he gets his story straight before he dumps you on your three year older, three year dumber arse. Or to keep his pencil sharp while he finds himself something else in the meantime. You just made him the luckiest guy in town. You’re the whore who was dumb enough to take payment by cheque.
You need to take a serious shot of “wake the fuck up” and get your business right at home. Your marriage, your family can be fixed with work and will. Otherwise, as the master poet once said, It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue.
mm
Current building permits, recent land purchases, employed by local law enforcement.
How upset would lover boy be if he saw how careless you are about information involving this affair.
I had already made this post #303 before noticing your above comment. I will discontinue. I was just trying to point out to her that she has handed out tons of information that could be used to locate her.
Why are you apologizing to us? People are loving this thread. Drama-rama. Makes a great, if sickening read. Dopers are enjoying a vicarious thrill by watching someone else make a catastrophic mistake, even the people who genuinely want to help you, which is likely more than you think.
You shouldn’t be apologizing to us, is the point. Apologize to your husband and beg his forgiveness. Or apologize to him and ask him for a divorce. You’ll likely be apologizing to your kids in some way or another for the rest of your life, but in that respect, you won’t be different from most parents.
Good luck to you, in any case. You’re going to need it.
Two thoughts…
On continuing the affair: Sometimes the lover actually means it when they say they’ll marry you in X years. Or at least they think they do. However, that’s ‘doable’ for the sole reason that there’s no immediate effort or planning involved. In that case, you think of generalities. Like the house you’ll live in, the good rapport you’ll have between the different sets of children, where you’ll spend your first vacation together at.
As the time approaches, it requires telling people what’s been going on, moving, re-directing finances, setting up the kids with schools and doctors, being introduced to new friends and added to his insurance. Somehow, once faced with that kind of stuff, there usually appears balking. More and more until it ends up being just quitting.
On trying to fix your marriage: I know many say that it’s not necessary for you to tell your husband about the affair, certainly not to just assuage your guilt, but to save him needless grief. However, I can promise you this from my observations, that you get back together totally, changing unhealthy behaviors and then working to make the marriage everything it can be, he will DIE then if the affair is discovered after the fact. It seems to be something about not-quite-complete disclosure, being willing to forgive so much when you didn’t know about the rest and yet still fooled twice. That’s much, much worse. So, my take would be you should (if you pick this path) come all the way clean, then let your husband decide from all the facts whether or not he can deal with who you are as a person. The one that’s not who he wed.
RSSchen, I’ll reiterate what I said in the other thread: I think you deserve to be happy, but in the way that everybody deserves to be happy.
I think you owe it to your husband, and your kids, and your lover–and, in the long run, yourself–to either end the affair and be honest with your husband, or leave the marriage, but either way to seek counselling in order to sort this out.
In a sort of similar experience with the OP, I went though a dark period of my life, where I was depressed, my (now ex-)wife had joined a quasi cult for which she was spending all her time and money. I responded by hanging out in bars and picking up women, thinking I was “smarter” than my wife.
I met one woman along the way who really helped me change. She told me that I was attractive, that she would really like to fuck me and be my girlfriend, but she wouldn’t because that no matter the excuses I was making, I was being an asshole to my wife. If I didn’t like her (my ex-wife), then be honest with myself. Move out, get the divorce and stop treating my wife like shit, even if she didn’t know about it. It felt like a slap in the face, but it was something I really needed to hear. The woman had gone through a similar experience and was given similar advice. She got the courage to take action, told her husband that she no longer loved him, moved out and lived in a tiny apartment without a shower, since that was all she could afford.
It took me a while to do the same, but I too told my wife it was over and moved out.
Soon after I met my current wife, she asked me if I had ever cheated before. She was been devastated by her previous boyfriend of seven years, (they lived together) who had cheated on her for several months before she caught him. Even knowing how much that it would increase her distrust, I wanted to have a relationship built on truth, so I told her everything. Not all the gory details, and not the numbers, but that I had cheated; I had done things which I would not want to have done to me.
You hear the expression, “once a cheater, always a cheater.” This is something I’ve worked at in counseling, and I also spend a lot of time searching myself for why I had done these things, and asking myself if I could really stop. For me, it was the realization that I was acting like a “victim”, that because life hadn’t be fair to me, I could shit on others, that allowed me to see what an asshole I had been, and why I needed to change.
Like many others, I had a rough childhood. My father was a psychotic violent man and my other brother raped me, among other fun things that happed in our family. I was a geek in high school and couldn’t have bought a date with anyone from the in-crowd. I had terrible self esteem, and, for the first time in my life, finding that there were women who were happy to fuck me was my way of getting through the day. But it was like a drug, you could never get enough. It was also not a reason to cheat. My life’s problems weren’t my ex-wife’s fault.
It was though several years of tough, tough work that I’ve come through not just this issue, but others as well.
My wife and I have talked about it a lot. It took her a while to learn to really trust me, even though it wasn’t her that I cheated on, the fact remains that I had cheated on someone. She does trust me now, and that’s yet one more reason to never, ever cheat or even get close to cheating on her. I won’t go with my friends to the same hang outs anymore because I’m afraid it could too easy to slip into old patterns.
It’s hard sometimes to live a life “right,” whatever “right” means. Deciding to not hurt others means having to grow up and accept your actions. It means postponing short term pleasure for long term happiness. It means stopping seeing yourself as a victim, with free passes to shit on others who happen to be in your life. Most importantly, it takes honesty and guts.
I haven’t paid that much attention to RSSchen before, but a couple of posts stick out in my memory. Unfortunately, cheating and bragging about it seems to be a long-term pattern.
Actually, I can see now why RSSchen and her loverboy are “soul mates” and her husband is seen as dimwitted.
RSSchen. I’m in no position to condemn, but as was told to me by someone far wiser, really look at what you’re doing to another human. Is this who you want to be?
RSSchen, think of it this way. When you build a house, you want to build on clear, flat land so the house will be stable and last a long time. If you build a house on sand, or on a swamp, or over a potential volcano, your house is very likely to end up in pieces or ashes.
What you’re trying to do here is build your happiness on the potential volcano of your family’s and friends’ resentment, unhappiness and disgust with your actions. You may be happy for a while with your Loverboy. It may make you absolutely ecstatic. But eventually, your family is going to find out and the volcano is going to erupt. You will end up homeless, friendless, family-less and happiness-less. The only way to ensure a long-lasting, stable happiness is to clear the land before you build…bring things up front to your husband. If you’re determined that Loverboy is The One, you need to free the husband you have now before you hook up with any permanency.
If you don’t do that, you’re building your happiness on sand and it’s going to wash out to sea when the tide turns.
OK, whoa. I had looked through a bunch of pages of her posts but didn’t see this. And those posts bother me. In a big way. I can’t even say exactly why except to say that it does seem like a pattern that fits. And all the other people that were hurt. . .that saddens me. OK, words are failing. This all just seems really sad.
ETA: And TokyoPlayer, your story was very sad. I’m sorry you had to go through all that pain.
Wow. RSSchen, you really are a self-centered bitch.
Damn. I almost (almost, he is a sorry fuck for screwing a married woman) feel sorry for loverboy cop now. How long till she cheats on him? You are poison, RSSchen.
As a man, women like you give me goosebumps, and not in a good way. And loverboy rich cop is a dumbass moron.
You are gonna cause some serious misery to a lot of people. Fucking sad.
I haven’t read all of both threads, so maybe someone can answer for me this; has the possibility been brought up that hubby probably already knows? I have always believed that most cheated-on spouses kinda already know what is up.
What is sadder is what she is raising two little boy to think of women. The effects of her selfishness travel on and on…
Because it shows that RSSchen does not give a damn about anyone else, and has never given a damn about anyone else. She will not hesitate to fuck *anyone *over to get her way in even the smallest matters, and she is completely proud and boastful of that fact. It shows that nothing we say will convince her that her behavior is fucked up and wrong, because it is how she lives her entire life.
I don’t think so. RSSchen’s husband sounds like a pretty decent guy, and the “downfall” of decent people is that they don’t tend to expect others to act dishonourably.
RSSchen, I honestly don’t know what to make of you. I don’t want to add fuel to the fire if you are as deeply disturbed as your actions indicate, but if you feel no remorse for your actions and you never have, I guess you don’t need my or anyone else’s sympathy. Frankly, you kinda scare me.
annnnnnnddddddd suddenly instead of puzzle pieces we have a picture.
Wanders off shaking head at the state of humanity.
I dunno, this thread has sort of restored my faith in humanity. Sure the thread centers around one completely selfish and morally bankrupt person, but there are many more who know that what she’s doing is wrong and are willing to call her on it. A few kind souls are even trying to get through to her and help her the gentle way.
Ya, that’s what I saw which I looked at it again last night and posted my snarky comment. The things which concern me are:
It’s a life-long pattern of fucking others (literally and figurately). She plays the victim and uses that to justify fucking others, or because she was alcoholic or on drugs or depressed or whatever.
She is proud of cheating and apparently takes pleasure in it, without remorse or guilt. Instead of guilt, she’s unhappy with the system doesn’t allow cheating. Do something bad and then lie and bully others who tell you no.
What Pixiesnix says.
But can she be helped by an internet message board? **Tokyo Player’s ** post hammered home that RSSchen has a lifelong history of pathological behavior, dating back to her profligate teenage years of having sex with 100+ men. A history of drug and alcohol abuse, many kinds of dishonesty from plagiarism to fraud to adultery, all have come to light in this thread, along with her most recent escapades.
RSSchen has two kids under 6. After the Post-Partum Depression, she acquired a bit of a problem with prescription drugs, spent all her poor husband’s money, and wasn’t taking care of her kids. This was November of 2006. But she’s an excellent mother who’d never let her problems affect her kids, right?
Did she get back on track? No. She is a person who replaces one overdose of sensation with another, and obviously has done so for a long time. Off the hydrocodone? Have an affair, that’s the drug of choice now. Will finding her true love make all the difference in this pattern of behavior? Unlikely. Neither will hordes of concerned and/or outraged Dopers.
Clearly, she has serious problems and this affair is only one small symptom of them. Is anything we say going to help? Really? Or does she have to hit rock bottom, ruin her family, and make a complete disaster of herself first? One would think that her DUI arrest might have done it, if the hydrocodone thing didn’t, but nope. She’s hit bottom before, supposedly. Depends how many times you need to hit it, and how hard. In a dream world, all of our words would have an effect. Her loving husband and her little boys’ needs might sway her from her course. I wish I was enough of an optimist to believe that. As a realist, I bet people she gives way more of a damn about have tried much harder to straighten her out. It seems she just cheats on them.
So, whatever. Best of luck to her, but really, we aren’t doing anything here but roasting marshmallows over the flames. Not much more we can do.