If this is indeed what you are dealing with, I would suggest that you see your therapist soon and often. Psychotherapy is apparently the treatment of choice for this disorder.
For the record, if you do have BPD, it sounds like your husband is the best husband you could have - from what I’m reading, people with BPD need stability, and he sounds as stable as they come.
Have you not got any kind of diagnosis? You don’t need to share it, but surely you’ve had a psych evaluation? Have you ditched all the drugs or are you dual-diagnosis? Because it’s starting to sound as though you need some industrial-strength help. That’s a whole whack of self-destructive behaviours and actions you got going on. There’s a reason for that and if it’s not been discovered yet, then I’m thinking you need to ask your psych for some serious intervention to get you out of that loop.
I don’t think it matters what your past addictions were/are. I know that I wouldn’t want my kids hanging out at a woman’s house who has unstable behavior like leaving her kid at a babysitter so that she can carry on an affair while her husband’s at work. Plus, for me personally, adulterers are not the kind of people I want my kid exposed to. In the example that I mentioned earlier in this thread (pages ago!), the man I know who cheated on his wife was never again allowed in our home and we pretty much stopped going to any social event he’d be at with his mistress, his behavior disgusted us so much. I actually had a thread about this situation and I was called all kinds of judgemental, but so be it. I’m not going to knowingly expose my kids to people like that (like you).
And, jeez, I’m a SAHM and I feel guilty about asking a friend to watch my kids so that I can go to the dentist. I’m stunned (but at least glad you’re not dragging the poor mite to your sex dates).
Man, you crack me up. I hope your life is a happy one, because you are one cool customer! No shit.
RSSchen, I inhabit this board with some really great, intelligent, eloquent posters (and a few dipsticks), but we’re just people on a message board on the Internet. You really, really need to be discussing this with a therapist for everybody’s sake–yours, and especially your husband and children’s.
Well, they do recover at least - that’s good, right? Right?
I’ve lost all my vitriol, and now I’m going to try to explain this. Unless everyone you’ve ever told is dead. It’s not a secret. Your behavior, here, leads me to believe that you’ve dropped offhand comments about different things to different people, and there’s your observable behavior to take into account.
Now, granted, I am not observing your behavior, but I do have your descriptions of freaking out in grocery stores, erratic behavior via email and in person with other moms in your circle of friends, and carrying on an affair with a police officer, wherein you have to find someone to watch the baby while you go blow him. Add to this a recent addiction to prescription meds (you think nobody noticed the way you were acting?) You think your husband doesn’t talk? Your kids? Seriously. Kindergarteners tell on their parents all the time.
That was sort of my point in asking other Dopers who have lived with Borderline people in the past - the Borderline person might think they are flying under the radar, but they most certainly are not.
I am talking about your medicinal THC, that you extolled the virtues of, stated you used twice a day (the actual THC, not the card), and wondered if you could feed your hamster.
Are you stating that you are no longer using your THC prescription? What about your debilitating pain? I would argue that, with your history of not taking your medications as prescribed, plus seeking out internet sources of drugs, that you would be hard-pressed to convince anyone that any medication you are taking stronger than an asprin isn’t fulfilling your need for a high.
Oh sure, if one of their pseudo-suicide-attempts doesn’t accidentally do them in first. Always a silver lining to the cloud.
Cowboy8467: Jerk. 
no u
Like, say, your husband? How likely is he to keep your secrets if he finds out you’ve been cheating on him? Especially if he finds out after three years of infidelity? What about any friends you have who might feel more sympathy for him than they do for you? Will these people keep your secrets even after you’ve lost their respect? Don’t be so certain that you’re bulletproof, here. You’ve made a number of astoundingly bad decisions in your life. Are you confident that you haven’t made another when you decided who to share the details of your past with?
Trainwrecks always happen when I take a break, I swear.
I want you to think about something very carefully before you post another word, and then, if you still feel your anonymity is safe, you do whatever the hell you want.
I am not going to reiterate what others have said far better than I could; it would just be one more post you’d ignore. However. You need to get past this idea of anonymity and your insistence that you’re being careful and will never be found out. You’re wrong.
Consider: I am one of at least 25 dopers I can think of right off the top of my head who live in the East Bay. In fact, I live about 7 miles from your location. Do you really believe that with as much information you’ve disclosed and the pic posted, there is no possible way any of us would recognize you on sight?
I have had plenty of “Oh, God, I cannot believe I posted something that stupid” moments here. But I hope I would never be so naive as to believe that there is no way they could ever be traced back to me.
You do not live in a vacuum. Sooner or later, there will be consequences for the actions you’ve taken. Would it not be better if you took those circumstances into your own hands, came clean with your husband and took responsibility for your own life and mistakes? Rather than have someone you didn’t even think knew you from Adam point you out in the supermarket and say “Holy crap! You’re that slut who posted her affair!” You need to be a little more aware that more people in a close radius to you see this than you seem to think.
Not necessarily, my grandmother is 80 and still going strong on her “I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE” kick.
Ok, pretend I’m a Family Court Judge here to mediate or render judgement upon the case of Mr RSSchen v. Ms RSSchen. One party makes a good income and has a created a stable home with no history of addictions or mental illness. One party has a history of addiction, mental illness, is openly involved with an affair and has other people watching her children while she actively persues that affair. She also has no gainful employment or plans to become gainfully employed.
Now, Tell me why I should grant Ms RSSchen custody over Mr RSSchen. Please elaborate in specific terms of how and why this is in the best interest of the children.
I *know *you’ve been nekkid at Lake Travis. Just sayin’.
Oh yeah. The things I was told by my first-graders! And they would finish up with “My mom says it’s family business and we shouldn’t talk about it with other people.”
(Note that it was never anything like abuse; it was generally suicidal uncles and such. I would have reported anything like what is on this thread.)
OK, I’ve been deriving a sick and twisted pleasure from watching this debacle for long enough. I must balance my inner gobbletygook by attempting to post something constructive. Honestly though, I dont know what I can say that hasn’t already been said. This has been 9-long pages chock-full of advice of all sizes. Kind advice, tough love, snark and satire, this thread is becoming quite the Pit avatar, although, for the nature of the beast, this post has surprisingly low vitriolic density. Ok, I guess I’ll repeat others a bit and try to add my own spin on things.
First of all, and this basically goes without saying, that everyone only knows the situation from what RSchen has posted. Judging by her post history, in her current state she could be severely embellishing and not even know it. We, The Dope, have no choice but to base our advice on this tenuous condition. Myself, I hate giving advice for such a drastic situation without knowing the person and having a solid knowledge of the facts, but hey, I suppose in this case it cant hurt.
The following is addressed to the OP:
RSSchen, I dont think your emotions are helping you out. You are confusing the feeling of love, “being in love,” with the action of love, “loving some-one.” Your life is full of mind-blowing delusion, and IMO this stems from your emotions and your intellect clashing at a level not seen since Romeo and Juliet. Play your cards right and this story may also have a tragic ending. (Of course, I use tragic not in the Shakespearean sense, but in the modern bastarized form.)
So, my advice for you is two-fold. First of all, get thee to a therapist. If you’re already seeing one, it’s not working. Either you need to be more honest with your doc, or you need to switch therapists. Even if you have no classifiable disorder, the disconnect between your emotional state and your decision-making skill is not healthy. Your current plan of action is self-destructive and highly unwise.
Secondly, for a while anyway, try to think logically. If I may, I’m going to make a list of options with the most likely results for each respectively. Also, these options can be divided and broken down into sub-groups. I should say that this is not pure logic, as the options are opinion based; however, from the combined factors of my opinion and life experience, the consensus in this thread, and the human condition, this will be as accurate as possib.e
Right off the bat, we can make two large categories: Continue cheating, discontinue cheating. Other large factors, are tell husband or not tell husband. Divorce or not divorce can be a corrolary if desired.
This is what you are doing now, and it just so happens to be the worst course of action. Your emotional state of giddiness and childish puppy love is inappropriate for an adulterous relationship, and your plans for the future are laughable. You will hurt yourself, your husband, your kids, and in a lesser extent everyone around you. Please choose another option.
This will create a shit-storm for a while, but at least it gets things out in the open. You and your husband can talk everything over. He will be hurt, but he seems like a nice guy and I’m guessing he will understand the basis of your warped reasoning for why it’s ok what you are doing. Whether you divorce or not can be a shared decision between the two of you. My assessment of this result is quite possibly too rosy, but one thing for certain is it’s better than option 1 (but so is everything IMO)
With this option, you can resume your previous life. You have the capacity to resume being a great mother, and you can talk to your husband and therapist about becoming well and happy again. I think this option is viable.
This will hurt your husband, but the pain will be greatly eased with the knowledge that you are remorseful and merely made a terrible mistake. Your kids will be spared from the brunt of this impact, although they will suffer if your relationship sours as a result o this revelation. Still, if I guess your husband correctly, this option would lead to the road of recovery for your failing marriage. I dont think your husband is as stupid as you say. Sure, he might not be booksmart, but he must have something going for him to be a good breadwinner and also adapt to your chaotic life (no offense). I personally rate this the best option, but whether 3 or 4 is best can be argued and rightfully so.
Again, these are your options.
I must add though, that all of these do not address that you apparently fail to acknowledge any sense of personal responsiblity for this action. Adultery is disgusting and should make you feel at least a smidge guilty and remorseful. If you think I’m speaking out of my ass, I’m not. I’ve engaged in a quasi-adulterous relationship myself in the past, and all it led to was despair and broken lives. And that was with a quasi prefix, so imagine what kind of shit you’re stepping into. (I would share the details, but I dont want to put the spotlight on me, as well as the fact that I have enough enemies around here).
OK, I’ve said my piece. I wish you well RSSchen. Please get help, if not for your sake but for the sake of your family.
OK, this pisses me off. RSSchen found a doctor to prescribe her Xanax (for back pain!), which she took at a higher dose than prescribed, which means she must have run out early. How did she get more to cover the end of the month? Then she gets medical marijuana, for fucking sciatica! I know scads of people suffering from serious back pain, but no one is giving any of them pot for it. Is this a California thing? Is it really that easy for a self-described drug addict to get prescriptions for this shit? Does her history of DUI’s matter to the doctors? Do they just not give a damn about their patients, or is she lying to them about her history and family situation? Just doesn’t seem right to me.
Then there’s the issue that she is abusing prescription drugs, smoking pot twice a day in her house while caring for her toddler, and then claiming that she’s a responsible mom of unimpeachable integrity WRT her parenting. Any lingering sympathy I had for her is gone.
Gotta wonder: Does the cop know about all her illegal activities (including the very recent illegal internet purchase and use of Vicodin)? What would he think if he did know?
Sometimes I reckon our fellow poster Miller can be a right bitch, and I call him on it sometimes. But in the interests of fairness, Miller is always articualte and usually quite witty and he once gave me the best psychological phrase I’ve ever heard - he called it **“artificial self validation”. ** I love that phrase. It sums up people who denigrate other people to make themselves feel better, but ultimately, it’s an artificial form of validation.
So what’s my point here? I challenged RSSchen earlier to leave this thread, to stop posting in it, to stop caring about what other people think. A number of people have observed in this thread that the subject matter is a really interesting insight into the human mind, and I agree. I’ve given up hoping that RSSchen is going to take any useful advice out of this thread, so I’m writing more now for the benefit of people who have a latent interest in psychology.
Observe the difference between truly “self confident people” and “narcissists”. Truly self confident people don’t need anyone else to tell them they’re good at something - they already know it, and they have healthy self esteem as a result. Narcissists, on the other hand, constantly need attention. They constantly need admiration of some sort or another. Take note of who RSSChen chooses to respond to… she ignores the obvious hard nuts and butters up those people who she thinks might one day say admiring things to her.
A truly self confident person has the capacity (in the face of social obversity) to say “Pfft! Stuff 'em if they don’t like me. I’m cool with that. I’m cool”. A narcissist, conversely, desperately needs the admiration of strangers - and in the abscence of admiration, will settle at least for attention - regardless of how unhealthy that attention might be.
That’s what we’re dealing with here. I bet you that RSSChen’s husband is a totally middle of the road, normal kinda guy who likes watching football. I bet you he’s still saying the same flattering, loving things he was saying a decade ago. The problem is the person who’s hearing it. The person who’s hearing it has allowed familiarity to breed contempt. RSSChen has a need for attention from more than one person… and for those of you have an interest in psychology, this is a classic case study I rather think.
The fact that RSSChen keeps coming back to this thread “for more” just confirms how empty her life is - but the clincher is that it’s RSSChen who has created that problem, not her husband. But you know what they say… denial isn’t a river in Egypt.