Right now you are probably in “business mode” taking care of all the things that one must deal with after a death. Give it some time. You might not mourn just yet but after all the details get settled give yourself some time to grieve and remember.
I am very sorry to hear of your loss and wish you and your mother my thoughts and prayers.
My condolences. I’m lighting a candle for your family, and sending good thoughts your way.
Best,
karol
I am very sorry for your loss, Gaspode.
I don’t know if you feel comfortable with this option, but I would like to humbly point out that there may be cancer support services for you and your mother. I’m not familiar with Sweden, but in Canada our hospices and cancer wards offer individual and group counselling for people who have lost loved ones.
I guess what I mean is, if you long to share your feelings with others, I bet you can find compassionate professionals and plain old people who have “been there” and can offer you the kind of support your lacking from family. They’re out there.
Of course I mean all this very respectfully and if you don’t feel like this is for you, feel free to ignore.
Gaspode, I’m another only child checking in here.
Your situation is one that I have actually considered and been slightly worried about.
I’ve enjoyed my time as an only child (not really having anything to compare it to, obviously!) though I did have a period of time as a young child when I wished I had an older brother. However, that’s neither here nor there, since we can’t control those types of things.
But I worry about when my parents become unable to care for themselves. Who will care for them? It will have to be me. Me, and me alone. And yes, when they die, it will be primarily me that must make arrangements. It’s kind of an overwhelming thought. At the time I will be most distressed, I’m going to have to do all this work?!? Eek.
You have my sympathies and my kind thoughts. And maybe even a hug if you want one.
{{{Gaspode and Mom}}}
A thoughtful and thought provoking post indeed. Sorry to hear about your loss but thanks for sharing in such an eloquent manner.
Gaspode,
My deepest condolences to you and your mom. I am an only child who lost my mother to cancer almost 9 years ago. It is now just me and my dad for the most part. I have other relatives but the truth is, before mom died, it was always really just the three of us. The only consolation is that it brought my dad and I much closer together as a result. I’m thankful for that.
Keep an eye on mom. The loss of a spouse can be devastating, no matter how much it is “expected”. I know you feel alone right now, and she probably feels even more alone.
Lastly, we all mourn in our own way, within our own timeframe. Don’t avoid the mourning though, as it will come out in one way or another, eventually. The sooner the better, perhaps.
I wish you strength and comfort and am glad that you can find some peace in the fact that your dad is no longer suffering. Take care of yourself.
Eric
Big thank you to all dopers. I wish I could thank you all in person. I’ve always been a person who writes down random thoughts to clear my head. It really helps to know that someone is reading these thoughts.
I want to answer kung fu lola and say that yes, there are such things around here. However, two factors help enormously - As by sheer luck, I had an appointment with my shrink six hours after my father’s death. I only see him once a month, since I can’t afford more, but we’re making slow progress and talking to him yesterday heleped a lot (his speciality is cognitive behavior therapy). The second is my 10 week old puppy (link at my www under the post). He’s keeping me busy, I have someone to care for, and a reason to get up in the morning.
scout1222 - my exact feelings. Brace yourself, cause it’s hard. I spent four hours with my mom today, doing arrangements for the funeral, finding a small plot for my dad (the graveyeard is beautiful, a slope down towards a small creek, with giant willows and cedars), and cleaning out his room at the hospital ward. She’s called me about ten times since, about minute details. I dont mind, but as I said, and what was the origin of venting here, it would’ve been nice to have a brother or sister.
SanguineSpider. A big hug to you and my admiration for you living with such a burden, while being able to cope.
One word, though. My dad had psoriasis, and didn’t want to have kids, because he didn’t want to spread on the ‘plague’ as he called it. The compromise he and mom made was one child (she wanted two). Well of course, I got psoriasis too. It’s a bitch at times, but I love life, and my dad and I had a great relationship. So I know he’s happy that my mom at least talked him into having one child.
Of course, autism is a lot harder than psoriasis, and I realize why you feel the way you do. In a way I wish I could say that you should try again, but I understand that it’s not my place, and I feel you’re making the right choice, after all. If the title of this thread offended you, my sincere apologies.
To all who offer prayers and light candles. I have a candle lit myself and I’m so happy about the compassion shown here.
tG
Gaspode, I understand your pain. I am an only child, and have felt so very alone sometimes. From an early age I swore I wouldn’t have an only child.
However, life does not always turn out as you plan. I am now pregnant with my first child, and there is a possibility that it may be our only child, due to medical reasons. On top of the pain of these medical issues, it fills me with agony to consider that my child might one day be pitting me for this very reason.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I can understand how you feel. I am an only child and live 3,000 miles away from my parents. My mother died earlier this year and I was barely in time to say goodbye. Since then, I’ve been back and forth from the UK to Oklahoma very often.
I spent Oct - Jan last year in the US looking after my mom. I hated to leave, but my dad and I thought she was doing much better. Wrong - she got taken back into hospital one month to the day that I flew back to London.
I spent a month with my dad after mom died, and have recently returned to London after spending the summer with him.
While I want to carry on with my life in London (I’ve lived here 15 years) I would feel much better about doing so if I had a sib closer to home. I know my dad needs/likes having me at home, but he is to proud to ask me to uproot myself and move back.
All my best to you and your mom. I hope things resolve themselves well for you.
I come from a large family. 5 kids. I have a twin and a sister 14 months older than I. I have one son. He is three and a half years old. I can’t afford another kid, and the house would certainly become cramped if we had another. I’ve been putting it off, but there is only so much time. I am scared to death of leaving my son alone in this world after I’m gone. I guess it’s part of being from a big family. If you’ve suceeded in one thig today, it’s making someone who can do something about it, think deeply about your mild rant. Deeply enough to make him consider taking action on it. (It takes two to tango. We’ll see.)
I’m so sorry for your loss Gaspode. As an only child, I know I will probably be in the same situation someday as well.
Thanks for the perspective, Gaspode. As a middle child (third of five girls, the youngest of which died when she was four), I’ve always taken having siblings for granted. I know that I am going to be totally lost in the world if my sisters all die before I do, no matter how much we might fight and crab at each other now.
It’s funny how death affects you (not haha funny). My last grandparent died this spring (my mother’s mother), and even though I wasn’t at all close to her, it really hit me. I have always taken life after death for granted, and been comfortable with the idea that I won’t be around at some point, but her death has shaken my foundations. I think maybe when she died, it became real to me for the first time that I’m going to die too someday. Even with my experience with my little sister dying when I was 9, I think I was too young for it to really hit home for me.
Anyway, enough of my rambling. My condolences for your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss…however, having a sibling can be fucking hard too…my sister had cerebral palsy and a host of other problems, and died at nine. I was like an only child, but with a lot of pain attached. My sister never learned to crawl, walk, speak…we just had to watch as she died…nine years of that…I believe that the day she died will be in my mind forever…I wish you all the best, and I am hoping for you…may you be able to find some type of peace…
…I just realized that could be taken the wrong way. I didn’t mean to trivialize anything, only provide my experience…
My most heartfelt condolences on the loss of your father.
To be honest, in the same situation, I don’t honestly know if my son will be better or worse off than you, though. His younger sister, by three years, is non-verbal autistic. She hasn’t taken to toilet training and while she’s pretty expressive, she is, well, non-verbal. She’s capable of speech, she just has pretty much never used it. She’ll be six in November. This is a scenario that has haunted me for a long time. Have I unknowingly given him too much responsibilty to shoulder? I guess he will have the burden of over worrying by me passed over to her, but will she be there for him? I know they love each other but they have a very different kind of bond. I still hope in the years to come, she finds a way to develop her social skills enough to not require long term assistance and become a burden to him. I have tried so hard to make sure HE, my son, has had as close to a normal childhood as I could give him, as well as all the support, love and everything else I can think of and/or afford for the both of them. But I don’t want him to resent her for anything having to do with his growing up.
Sorry for the tangent. The OP struck a chord.
Be well, and take care. Give your mom a hug, too.
Firstly, sorry about your loss.
My father died about 9-10 years ago. My brother and I cleared out his house together and I WISH I was an only child. He was very disrepectful of what my father wanted done with a few of his things, didn’t want to turn over items to the people my father left things too, etc, etc.
He pissed me off so much during that whole affair, I haven’t spoken to him after I drove away from my father house that day.
My condolences.
My parents are in their 80’s.
I am an only child becasue they married late in life.
my son is an only child, and not only does he not have any brothers or sister, he has no cousins or relatives of any kind.
We are not in touch with his deceased fathers relatives for good reasons (they are not nice people).
He also has had no friends ever as I have not had since a teenager.
Why?
i dunno.
Hopefully someday i will marry a man with lots of relatives.
I am sorry for your loss.
I am the parent of an only (well, at least that is the plan for now). Your post has reminded me that there are things I can do to reduce his burden. One is to try not to be a needy parent as I age. Another is to make sure his dad and I take care of as many of our “death arrangements” as possible beforehand.
My boss has an only child and we’ve discussed this issue. Her Dad had alzheimers and her mom couldn’t cope well with that. She finally lost her dad a few years ago, and spent weeks off of work dealing with the details. She did have a sibling, but that sibling wasn’t at all helpful. If anything, the sister added to the burden. That experience alleviated my boss’ guilt about having an only (that is, knowing that having a sibling doesn’t guarantee caring for aging parents will be easier).
I come from a large family. I have five sisters and two brothers(I was the sixth, I have a younger brother and a younger sister). Most of us have children ourselves(6 of 8), all except my immediately elder sister and immediately younger sister. While I have to admit that I find them to be a pain in the ass fairly frequently, there is something to be said for siblings. We can really count on each other to pull together in times of need and I am grateful for that. I hope you find similar support somewhere.
Steven