Doper Moms and Pregnancy -redux

In My Humble Opinion
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I was home for 9 weeks both times, combo of saved vacation time and maternity leave (at 60% pay). The first time, when I went back to work, epeepunk stayed home as a SAHD for about a year before we found the daycare provider of our dreams. The second time, Gabe’s school bills meant one of us quitting was unlikely, but we still had access to that wonderful DCP, so she got Bren from the get-go. I personally suck at staying home, due to a tendency to dissociate under stress (and as a raging extrovert, that whole recovery period is stressful - not to mention being a new mom, or even adding a new child to the mix…). But I pump really well (better than average), so pumped until Gabe was about 11 months old (supply crash for the pump, but kept breastfeeding part-time at that point), and pumped until Brendan was about 14 months (he has a dairy allergy, so stuck it out longer for his sake). If pumping doesn’t work, a lot of moms find that they can supplement during the day and nurse evening/morning/weekends once their supply is well established. And there is the option to just pump around the clock, but that takes a lot of time and isn’t as reliable at maintaining supply. Good alternative to screaming pain, though! (tanookie, don’t forget that all babies are different, too - you might have a really easy go this time, even with the surgical recovery… if not, you still have a good backup plan.)

Oh, and night weaning after that year mark (if you make it that long) is a major step in the ‘setting limits’ direction. Some moms don’t need to (I partially night-weaned Gabe, trimming down the nursing sessions to meet my needs, and this time I didn’t bother, as Bren only wakes up just before the alarm goes off anyway), but it is something to keep in mind if you bedshare. It usually only takes about 3-4 days, at that age. Add the usual parenting caveat, YMMV - every child is different. I think one thing about “attachment” parenting that I really fit with is that you always have to work with the child you have - and that is probably going to mean you’ll do different things than you expect, no matter what you expected.

tanookie - Yikes on the c-section PLUS pneumonia PLUS mastitis PLUS bad nursing experience. Owies. Gabe had an oral aversion, presumably from the bad poke with the suction bulb (I saw it happen, but only found out later that it could have an impact on nursing behavior), and he clamped down HARD for 5 weeks before learning that doing so wasn’t helpful. I very nearly quit breastfeeding from the pain, and I didn’t have the additional burden of surgical recovery to handle (and only bronchitis on the health end of it) - ouchies! Having felt that pain, I have complete compassion for stopping. I’m often impressed at how long women do stick it out under utterly miserable conditions. It was really close to the line for me as it was. Just want to add, for those looking toward this experience from the pre-birth end, that severe pain when breastfeeding isn’t normal - don’t know if you saw a lactation consultant, but wanted to remind people that if you are in pain while nursing, there is no reward for toughing it out - call an LC immediately! It helps in most cases, though not all. I didn’t call, and didn’t have anyone check his latch or anything for three weeks. I didn’t want to look like I couldn’t do it myself, I think. New mom insecurity. In retrospect, just plain dumb.

Another really cool link, IMHO, is this one, which talks about the neurobiology of infancy, and how your normal responses are truly the optimal ones. That is, your instinctive cooing, comforting, etc., reactions to baby distress, and your excited smiles and clapping, etc., to baby successes functionally wire your child’s brain for long-term mental health. And hard-wire it, at that! But at the same time, messing up and not being all-tuned-in 100% of the time, losing it now and then, not being able to respond ‘instantly’ all the time is also optimal. You don’t have to be a perfect parent to be the absolutely ideal parent. Normal human beings who make mistakes and have to pee without the baby present now and then are biologically ideal for infant neuropsychological development. So you don’t have to panic about trying to be as perfect a parent as your perfect child deserves. Just be normal. :slight_smile:

My other two “New Mom Essential” links are these:

  1. Link about the book “The Wonder Weeks”, which identifies the normal fussy periods of the first 14 months, down to the week. Having this info helps you stay sane and not think your child’s sudden clinging and crying is something you did wrong. You can not only prepare for it, but you can help the process along, AND you can look forward to the really cool new abilities that will pop up like daisies at the end of the stage.

  2. Link about colic in breastfed babies. My first son was fine, but my second had horrible colic and diarrhea. Turned out I had an oversupply, plus he had a milk allergy. Fixed both, and had a completely different baby. A happy one! :slight_smile: Oversupply is much more common that people expect, and is often mistaken for undersupply (because baby nurses more often and cries at the breast, trying to get to that hindmilk). It is also mistaken for allergies, at least IME. The same info explains why feeding for X minutes per side produces more gassy babies than letting the baby decide how long to nurse.

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oh, and tanookie, have fun with the two kids thing. I absolutely LOVE having two. As fun as it is to see someone about to have their first, I still like seeing people approaching their second, just because the dynamics are so cool. It was a bit of a struggle to learn how to fit us all together in our lives, but less than adapting to one child. The interactions between the kids is wonderful. I don’t know if you have heard of the book “Siblings Without Rivalry” but I found it had some helpful ideas for how to handle the older child’s needs. Gabe was thrilled to have a baby brother, but he didn’t realize how much he’d sometimes be ticked off or frustrated by him - and since he wasn’t expecting that part, and he wasn’t old enough to understand that mixed feelings were okay, he had to be coached a little to express the negatives (and get some reassurance that it was okay to find baby screams irritating - mommy sure found them bothersome!). It also helped him a lot to realize that the baby loved him, too, and it was not just a one-way street.

Oh, boy, serious case of “BOB” (Babies On the Brain) setting in. I really shouldn’t participate in these threads when I’m ovulating… :wink:

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Sheesh! Wish I had hedra as a resource when I was pregnant the first time :slight_smile:

Oh and for breast feeding moms… Lansinoh or it’s generic equivalent of pure lanolin soothiness for sore nipples is wonderful and safe for when baby feeds… just keep in mind it stains something awful :slight_smile:

I’m excited about the changes in our little family dynamic. For health reasons this will be our second and last miracle. Cara will be 2 this may so she really isn’t all that aware of what is coming… I will have to check that book to see how to help her cope.

Now if only they had a book about how to train toddlers not to eat the cat food (or to not stick it up her nose :slight_smile:

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Ya know, I hadn’t even thought about the whole animal thing. We’ve got a corgi and 4 cats. The dog sleeps in a bed on the floor of our bedroom, two of the cats feel that the bed is THEIR bed, and the other cat likes to curl up next to me when I first go to bed. I can only imagine the hell that would be our house if I have to keep the animals out of our bedroom!

So far, it looks like I’ll only have the FMLA leave and I don’t know how much of that we’ll be able to afford to take. We’re going to start saving now to be able to take as much of it as possible. At this point, it could be as little as a month, or we might be able to stretch to the full 12 weeks. I guess I need to start thinking about daycare. I used to work for a large mortgage servicing company that actually included 6 weeks of PAID maternity leave as part of the regular benefits. I never realized how unusual that is these days.
Hedra, seconding Tanookie’s comments - I DO feel lucky to have you as a resource for my first time! Heck, I feel lucky to have all the advice, experiences, experience and suggestions from everyone who’s posted in this thread.

Cricket- about to get on a plane, so I may not be back here for a couple of days.

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I don’t get any pay while on leave either, cricket. With my first, I worked up until four days before I delivered and then took nine weeks off. By the time I went back, things were getting really really tight money wise. This time, I’m hoping to take the same 9 weeks, because that was a nice stretch and was just long enough that I was starting to get a little cabin-crazy by the time it was over.
I’m planning on socking away my tax return and just using that to get me through. I’m always so impressed when I hear about companies that pay even partial maternity leave. Especially with the increase in single mothers (which I am), it doesn’t seem right to just be cut off with no support during such a stressful, and expensive, time.

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I’m in the stay at home mom camp. The job I had before I got pregnant was part time receptionist in a mental health clinic. I was going to school full time also. I didn’t make enough money to cover anywhere near daycare costs so it made sense for me to stay home. Now with the second on the way I will be home a bit longer. I enjoy it most days and I take Cara to gymnastics and recently found a mother’s group in the area that we’ve gone to playgroup once with. I’m trying to find places to expand my social circle because there are some days when I feel like a complete failure as a person/mom/wife mostly because I am lonely. We moved here a year ago and then my hubby’s grandmother got sick. I’ve taken her to all her doctor appointments including radiation and chemo. I’m really glad we were here to help the family through this stress but I’m looking forward to making some friends my age with little kids…

With everything there is to do in the day I admire anyone who does it and manages to hold down a full time job. I’d probably crack!

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Belladonna- I plan to work right up to the end also -but everyone just laughs when I say that. Was it difficult?

Tanookie - I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t know, but <librarian hat on> what kind of local library do you have near you? Ours has all sorts of activites for kids, including 6-week sessions for toddler and preschool storytimes. Since you sign up for the entire 6-week session, you see the same moms every week and have a chance to meet them </librarian hat on>.

I know what you mean about the time factor though. When I think about how much of a full-time job it is for stay-at-home-moms, I wonder if I’m crazy to think I can do this and still keep my full time job (not that I’ve really got a choice right now).
Cricket (who really is getting on a plane soon but couldn’t resist another peek at this thread)

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I worked right up until the end. And I was boarderline pre-eclampsia (which usually means bedrest) with a toddler at home.

I didn’t have a physically demanding job (I work in IT, so I manage systems all day).

I did deliver three weeks before my due date, however. Went to work on Friday, stayed home for the weekend, called into work Monday at 3:00am with “water broke, won’t be coming in.”

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yeah, well I’m a compulsive researcher… it has to pay off SOMEWHERE… (in other words, glad to help). I’m working on the book… (no foolin’) Oh, and I type really fast. It helps. :wink:

I worked up to two weeks before my due date the first time. Which meant that I was at home, pacing and fretting, for a month before Gabe was born (he was 15 days late). AHHH! Talk about walking on eggshells…

The second time, I decided to play it by ear - I set my ‘estimated start of leave’ date to my due date, with the agreement that as it approached, I’d be able to determine if I was indeed too uncomfortable (or frazzled) to work, and I’d adjust the date as needed. I worked from home for a month before my due date, due to a long commute (nobody wanted me to be an hour and 20 mintues away if I went into labor). After being tentatively diagnosed with polyhydramnios (not to mention the boyo flipping to breech a week earlier), I stopped working on a Friday (the friday before my due date), and was fully diagnosed with PH – and then went into labor and had Brendan – on my due date (Monday). (Another kudo for hypnosis, there - used it to relax my system enough to encourage Bren to turn back to vertex, and it worked perfectly, so no breech birth.) Anyway, long story but I think it is fine to ‘plan’ to work up to when you go into labor, but be flexible about it - late term isn’t all that comfortable a state, and just getting in and out of the car can be miserable.

As for the animal thing, we don’t keep the cats away at all. They’d be banging on the door all night if we locked them out. We had just one cat when Gabe was born, who thought the crib was a nice place to sleep, thank-you-very-much. She was often found in there with him, looking miffed at the bed-hog snoozing nearby, sometimes jammed into a corner in an attempt to preserve some space for herself… But she, like most cats I know, also recognized the ‘baby animal’-ness of him, and treated him very gently. She’d bite the heck out of me, but him? Not on your life. She actually would guard him - sitting between him and the door in any room he was in, facing the door, looking watchful. Very charming.

Then, we got a kitten, and the kitten also thought beds were for sharing. We’ve got cute pictures of the two of them (Poche’ and Gabe) curled up snoozing away in various places. Now, with Brendan, we got a third cat (who volunteered on us, and happily permits himself to be mashed into the floor for ‘toddler hugs’ and just blinks and looks away when he gets his eyes poked - the other cats know to get away when someone bothers them, but Joe just hangs out and purrs…). They all share the bed. Last night, Poche’ was on Brendan’s pillow, Smudge was between our feet, and Joe was on the corner of the bed. They rotate locations, too. And while they give me offended looks when they get kicked or pushed on by one of the boys, their reaction is to get up with much offended dignity and stalk off. Brendan has managed to get himself bit once (recently, in the midst of one of his more ‘affectionate’ modes), but we don’t know how or when, as he didn’t complain (and from the angle of the bite on his wrist, he had the cat in a head-lock from behind). But the only other injuries have been very minor scrapes as a cat placed a paw on the offending child to keep them at a distance and hooked them by accident. There were zero injuries before the toddler ‘let me hug the nice kitty’ phase, for either boy, that I can recall.

So, again, long story, but it isn’t necessarily mandatory to keep animals away, even early on. Exposure to pets is more likely to protect them from allergies than not, and while we do have one cat that will walk across Brendan without thinking (OOF!), the others will not - we just keep a good eye out, and it is fine in most cases. (caveat being that you know your animals better than I do! Dominance-agressive dogs, for example, are not a good plan, and some cats hate babies.)

RE: Work… It is definitely doable to work and have a family. Just like it is doable to have 5 kids and stay home - you adjust where you need to, adapt, and keep going. Everything changes to fit the situation you have at hand. My best friend told me that she thought she was organized before she had a child. Then she had a child, and even though she stopped working, she realized there were many areas where she could improve, and she did so, or adjusted her expectations to what was feasible. Then she had another child, and LAUGHED about how proud she’d been of how organized she was with one child. Now, she said, she was really organized. And she figured she’d find more areas that could be tweaked if she had more kids (she didn’t, though).

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Oh, you might want to talk to your OB early about what percentage of patients he or she finds bed rest necessary for. I worked up until the end, because my OB is a little more bedrest adverse than average (he’d certainly have stuck me on bedrest if he thought it necessary). One of my girlfriends has an OB who likes to see all her patients on at least partial bedrest for weeks 33-37 (she says its the only rest they are going to get!).

My OB also caught all his own babies (unusual in a practice) where possible (i.e. other doctors will see you, but whoever is on call will deliver if you don’t deliver during office hours). Doesn’t believe in episotomies. Thinks drugs are fine (but will support natural childbirth), and won’t stand in the way of a woman further than 37 weeks and a pitocin drip if she wants it (assuming their aren’t contra-indications). Lets a pregnant woman take some over the counter drugs for the cold you are about to get. Thinks that a single glass of wine during your pregnancy on rare occations is not a huge risk. And recalls my daughters name and age when I visit him for me yearly without looking at the chart (he delivers about 200 babies a year and he remembers them all). This may not be your ideal doctor, but was mine. Ask some of these questions up front.

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My OB is just that… he’s only an OB. I’m so thankful to have him again with the second baby. He’s great at explaining things and has a good sense of humor. He’s also good at balancing what you want for your pregnancy/birth with what is medically necessary.

I know the bedrest thing is necessary… I gained arout 30 pounds of fluid in a week towards the end of my last pregnancy and my blood pressure skyrocketed and my urine test “looked like a rainbow” (his words exactly) We had Cara at exactly 37 weeks by CSection because she was crooked and the contractions (induced labor) were squashing her instead of sending her through the birth canal.

This baby will probably work out about the same (At least I hope it takes till 36 weeks for something to go seriously wrong!) I have bad kidneys but not so bad as to not be able to have 2 babies! Three would be a bad risk but this one should be ok! I do make it hell on my doctors to diagnose preeclampsia though since I have all the symptoms when I’m not even pregnant.

I’d love to commit to something like that cricket… our library does have some neat programs but right now they still fall at bad day/times when I’m committed elsewhere :frowning: I’m hoping this summer will be better.

P.S. Good luck on that flight!!!

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What a lot of great information here! I’m going to have to bookmark this thread.

Going on 9 weeks here, due late October. I’m fascinated by how many quick older pregnancies there are here. I got pregnant after only about two months of “trying” – I put it in quotes because hubby and I figured at my age (38) it would take a while, so we’d think of it not so much as trying to get pregnant as simply no longer trying to prevent it. So I went off the pill in late November, he noticed I was late in February, and an EPT confirmed it.

This is our first, so we’re definitely into getting all the advice possible. Well, within reason.

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Hey! I’m back! the flights went fine - although I’m going on about 4 hours of sleep right now. I took a really early flight so that I would still be able to put in a half-day of work (gotta conserve those vacation and sick days!).

Hedra, I’m in awe of your typing ability and glad to hear that multiple animals aren’t necessarily a problem.

Dangerosa, your OB sounds like my ideal OB! I probably won’t have much of a choice though. I have an appointment to see my regular Dr. on Wednesday and then they will refer me to an OB.

Hopefully my OB won’t be a bedrest-prone type. I really don’t want to use up all the leave I have before I even have the baby.

My #1 goal this weekend was to buy a couple of books (based, of course, on all the great recommendations in this thread) but it didn’t happen. Too busy! I think I’ll drag Mr. Cricket out to Barnes and Noble this weekend. Whoohoo!

I’ve been surfing a bit and I think that between Target, Old Navy and Lands End, I should be able to do the maternity-clothes thing pretty cheaply. Right out of college I worked for a maternity store called Mothers Work (at the time it was the only place where women could buy professional maternity clothes - suits, that kind of thing). I still remember how people would come in there and spend $1000 at a time on 8 or 9 dresses or a couple of suits. And this was in 1991! It still boggles my mind. I mean, I want to look nice (especially when I start feeling fat and ugly), but I don’t spend $1000 at a time on my regular clothes!

So, when did you all first start telling people? I’m still only about 3 weeks, but we went ahead and told all our family and close friends. I get the impression, in some places, that you’re not “supposed” to tell until about the third month. I could never wait that long! (my mother always tells me never to play poker…)

Cricket

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We didn’t tell until after my son got settled in - so it was about three or four months. Our situation was a little different though - most people aren’t already eight weeks pregnant when their first child arrives! As something like 10% of pregnancies don’t make it through the first tri-mester - a lot of people don’t tell just in case - then they don’t have to share the sorrow of an early miscarriage.

When you talk to your doctor, ask about the referral and what happens if you aren’t happy with the OB. Most doctors will work with several OBs, so your doctor may be able to help you pick someone they can refer you to based on your preferences.

Don’t worry about maternity clothes - borrow what you can. Stretch pants will get you through most of the second trimester - and by the third trimester you won’t care what you look like. Some of my maternity clothes ended up not fitting by the time I could wear them.

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Glad to see ya back Cricket!

We told our families pretty much right away both times. We couldn’t wait… hell we thought we’d never have kids… there was no way we could keep news this good a secret :slight_smile:

I wouldn’t tell everyone right away… don’t need to tell the clerk at the bank and your neighbors and hang a sign on the car antenna… I figured I was pretty safe telling family and close friends because should the unthinkable happen… well I would be comfortable sharing that information with them and would probably be leaning pretty heavily on them for support too.

I have discovered that some people don’t want to acknowledge you as a “real” pregnant lady until after the third month. Don’t let these killjoys ruin your day :slight_smile:

I didn’t have to dress for work so maternity clothes weren’t too big of an issue… What I ended up doing was getting some stretchy stirrup pants (in black blue and tan) when I started showing and wore them with my normal tops which are all oversized anyway. Then at the end I just bought 3 more pairs of stirrups in a bigger size to last me till the end. The pants were pretty cheap… I think I got them at walmart. The most important purchases were the special bras and underwear. I have seen really cute maternity clothes kits grr can’t find link that have 4 or 5 basic pieces quite reasonably priced.

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Do you live in a smaller town, cricket? I ask because if you do, I recommend you start collecting maternity clothes ASAP. (Borrowing is good, until your friend turns up pregnant too.) There are about 2 places in my town to buy maternity clothes: WalMart, which I’m boycotting, and JCPenney, which seems to think that all pregnant women are 5’9", slim, and very trendy. Luckily, I have enough to get by on from the first pregnancy, but just barely. I worked until 7 months, and then we moved, so I have lots of nice work clothes for the 2nd trimester–nothing mommy-like–and hardly anything for the third (I’m now really enormous and have just about grown out of my maternity pants). Stretch maternity pants and tops from the women’s section have helped. But you probably won’t get this big; people keep asking me if I’m having twins.

In theory, I don’t like to tell anyone until after the first trimester. We lost our first pregnancy at 14 weeks, and I hated having to tell people who weren’t close to us about it. However, I also haven’t been able to keep my mouth shut that long, though we limit it to close friends and family and ask them not to talk about it too much.

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I can’t count the number of times I begged Lands End to do maternity - I live in their clothes the rest of the time…

I did Kmart maternity for most of my stuff, actually - between them and JCPenny, I found pants long enough (I’m tall) to work.

I didn’t tell the first time until about 6 weeks (two weeks after my period was due), when my best friend called to tell ME that I was pregnant - she’d had a really potent dream about meeting my son. She doesn’t have that kind of dream, either. Never. Except with him. She called and asked if I had important news to tell her (she didn’t know we were trying, either, and lived 2 horus away, and we hadn’t talked recently…). Anyway, when I finally caved and told her (I’d only gotten the official ‘yes’ from the doc that morning, though the EPT had been positive), she told me that it was a boy, and he had blue eyes. And she was right. I was going to keep the news to just her, but then my brother (Tranquilis) announced to my mom that they were expecting a child, too (due 10 days before me), and she was all set to buy advance tickets to go down to FLA… so I had to tell her about ours, too, so she could make appropriate planning decisions. Worked out okay, and it is so cool to have the cousins so close in age…

Preg 2, announced it to family only at 5 weeks, miscarried shortly thereafter.

Preg 3, announced it to more limited family only, then had to tell more of them when I miscarried again at 8 weeks.

Preg 4, announced it to family (the same I shared with about both m/c’s), pretty much as soon as I was sure? I think… I don’t remember. It pretty much stopped mattering. I realized that the line for announcing was at what point would it be more frustrating to tell people, ‘oh, by the way, I was pregnant and miscarried’ vs. just saying ‘damn, miscarried again’ when they already knew I was pregnant, vs. not telling them anything at all unless it was good news. It seriously depended on the individual in question, and was not some generic line for all parties. So, my best friends knew sooner than others. My boss knew when I miscarried, because I needed to take time off. Other people knew when it made sense (like, when I had to be late to meetings because I was throwing up, it made sense to say ‘it isn’t the flu, so don’t keep sitting all the way across the room’).

As for OBs, the quality can really make a difference. Even if your doctor usually refers you to one particular one, if you don’t feel comfortable, go back and ask for another one (you can even find one you like and ask your dr. to refer you to him/her). Insurance usually covers many OBs, and your Dr. can refer you to any of the ones covered. Really, trust me on this one - I got a horrible backup OB for Brendan’s birth. I only later found out that one of my best friends had left her care because the woman was arrogant, cold, controlling, and had a serious case of anxiety around every blessed labor. This would be the woman who used outright scare tactics to try to convince me to opt for a c-section, based on the assumption that my midwives had missed a rampant case of gestational diabetes (despite my weight gain being about 22 lbs and negative 3 hour GTT and negative urine tests throughout), and that ultrasound measurement on my due date gave an accurate size picture (late-term ultrasound is notoriously error-prone, but she told me my baby was going to be 10 lb 10 ounces minimum, as if the only error factor was upwards). Anyway, she felt she had reason to know that my baby was too big for me, and ignored the fact that I’d delivered a kid with a 14.5 inch head top-of-the-head first (the biggest way) with NO MOLDING (that is, my pelvic opening is so large that his head didn’t have to squish to get through), and without tearing, either… And she was unethical about how she attempted to get my compliance with her preference, to boot. I understand that she was concerned, but she also flatly ignored all indications that suggested that she was wrong. Even the nurses were miffed at her, to the degree that one of them very cooly commented when Brendan was born, “That doesn’t look like a 10-pound-plus baby to ME.” (He was 9 lbs 6 oz, and had an even bigger head, that also didn’t mold - 15.5 inches, though he did at least come down crown-first.) She did agree that I was right when I’d told her I could easily birth a 10-pound-plus baby, at least. And she apologized for ‘having’ to use scare tactics on me (not that she’d done so, which was unethical, but that she felt she ‘had’ to… totally lacking in the clue department!).

Anyway, long story short, but OBs vary in quality. Some are superior. Some are decidedly NOT. Also, you may want to at least research midwifery care. Most are hospital based (not free-standing or home birth) so you aren’t giving up access to medical care, just overall decreasing your risk of interventions and c-sections because of the different model of care. Midwives also vary in quality, so research those just as you’d do with an OB. And don’t feel you have to stick with one care provider late in the pregnancy if you feel your needs are not being met. The only reason an OB/MW won’t take on your care late in the game is if you haven’t HAD any prenatal care - switching OB/MW in the mid-30-weeks is entirely doable, and reasonable, if you don’t feel comfortable with your current one. Bedside manner and style-match are larger factors in OB care than in any other branch of medicine, since your stress level affects how well you labor. Look around. I highly doubt you’d be the first person your doctor ever had change OBs on him!

Okay, back to work for me! :slight_smile:

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Oh Hedra! you have such a great attitude for so much happening to you.

My mom miscarried three times between me and my brother. I’m a little nervous about this second munchkin in case it somehow runs in the family.

Having an OB you really feel comfortable with is so important. I’m having a C Section this time without the 18 hour labor beforehand. I am very thankful I have the same surgeon. He was a great match for us. I don’t advocate having surgery for laughs but the C Section wasn’t as traumatic as I thought and it was necessary. Should any labor end up that way… you didn’t fail! I have no midwife experience although I have heard great things about them :slight_smile: As problematic as my pregnancies are I opted for an OB specializing in “high risk” cases like mine.

I’m sick of this morning sickness thing already. This is much worse than the last time so everyone keeps telling me that means it is a boy!

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Thanks for the kudos, though my attitude wasn’t all that hot right after the second miscarriage. It really hurt. And the first few months with Brendan’s pregnancy were full of anxiety. Like, compulsively checking to see if I was bleeding several times a day. I hear that’s normal, but it sucked. Personal faith developed a bit during that time, and that helped. (Long story, but I kept getting messages that I’d meet both those souls again - let me know if you want to know more about it, but it is way outside the realm of usual experience.) I started feeling movement very early with him (10-12 weeks?), which helped a lot, too. And by the end, I had completely forgotten to worry. :slight_smile: But I won’t kid you, it was utter hell for a while. It also had some unpleasant carryover into my marriage, which took some effort to repair (we reacted very differently, so I stopped communicating things that were really important to me rather than spend energy talking to someone who didn’t understand - bad choice).

Fingers crossed for you, too. Miscarriage risk doesn’t seem to be inherited in general. It is just really common. I didn’t realize until I started talking about it how many women I knew had miscarried and had simply declined to bring it up. My mom didn’t miscarry (ever), but about half the other moms I know have miscarried at least once, and many more than once. I really think it is too hidden in our culture - I was open about it because I didn’t want other women I knew to feel as isolated as I did before I started talking. I found an online support group very helpful, as well, as long as it doesn’t supplant communication with your partner.

I agree that a medically necessary c-section is no failure on anyone’s part. I’m unfortunately also very aware that the c-section rate in the US indicates that a lot of them are done without sufficient medical reason, or that events are permitted to occur early on in the process that push labor towards dysfunction, and lead to c-sections. Being an educated patient, and being a part of your care team process (a participant, not a subject), and being treated with respect are all (for me) essential to a good birth experience, surgical or not.

I remember writing in my birth story for Gabe that choosing a surgical birth under appropriate circumstances was as great a gift as doing the physical work of pushing a child into the world. It is sacrificing the wholeness of your body for the sake of your child, and that, while not necessarily preferable overall (recovery issues, risk, etc.), is no less a gift. And a good surgeon helps a lot (my best friend had a c-section the first time, and got the best surgeon in the hospital - she was walking up and down stairs the first day - the elevator was too slow to get her to the NICU when she wanted to see her son, so she took the stairs… not that she ran up and down them, but taking them at all was pretty impressive). She opted for a vbac for her second, even though she’d had a very good experience with her first surgery.

Oh, speaking of which, has anyone here looked into doulas? (That friend was one of my doulas the first time, and her vbac doula was my second doula - and also happens to be another best friend.) Even for planned c-sections, they can be a real help. There’s documented evidence that having a doula reduces the need for pain meds (de-stresses the mom), and seriously reduces the c-section risk. (There’s also documented evidence that having the same nurse stay with you the whole time does not have the same effect - it has to be someone slightly outside the medical team for some reason.) We had two doulas each time, actually. It was SOOooooo great to have that support. It meant that epeepunk could focus on me, and also go to the bathroom and/or eat when necessary without leaving me unattended. It also meant there were extra bodies to do the other tasks that he didn’t feel he had to do, or that took extra bodies (counterpressure, running errands, being encouraging, massaging both legs at once, helping with position changes, etc.). Well worth the investment (though most people do just one, not two…). You can also hire post-partum doulas, who come and help out for a few hours a day or a few hours a week after the baby is born, so you can rest, have a clean house and food made, etc. Very, very nice. And, since they are hired help, they don’t tend to trespass the way family sometimes does…

And speaking of things that may help (yes, another tangent!), I have also heard good things about Hypnobirthing/hypnotherapy for planned (or not-planned) c-sections. Reduces the need for post-op meds, and decreases the rate of side effects of the anesthesia. Harvard Medical School has actually recommended hypnotherapy as an appropriate option for all surgical patients, because it has such good outcomes for reducing pain, side effects, and even increasing the efficacy of the anesthesia so you need less in the first place.

(If this thread stays around long enough, I may manage to tell you all everything I know! :smiley: Hope I’m not taking over the thread too much… The whole ‘wanting to start trying for the next one NOW’ thing is seriously working on my brain. Deep breaths, wait, patience, Brendan is not the right personality to cope with a baby when he’s two years old… wait, patience… But I want to get started, and there are all these pregnant women around and … WAHHHH! :stuck_out_tongue: )

80

Oh, and meant to add that my morning sickness was quite different for both boys. Your gut instinct for what gender the child is has a better chance of being right than wives’ tales. IIRC, moms’ ‘gut feelings’ are right about the gender about 70-80% of the time, way better than even odds.