No way! Those are two of my talents! I think I’m seeing something here … Hey, do you think that with some extra stretch, you can stick your tongue part-way up your nose? 'Cuz I can! Now if we can just figure out a way to work in my freakish pinkie toes, I think we’re in!
Unfortunately I don’t have any attractive assistants, but I can do my act in a sequinned costume if you would like. 
Val and Salem - maybe you should think about doing a double act! Pool your talents as it were. Matching costumes and all that. With sequins! Lots of sequins!
Dragwyr - you too - go for the sequins. Sparklies are good!
flamingbananas - I think we’ll just pass on the flaming poo. This is gonna be a high-class production - you can tell that by all the sequins! So what else ya got?? I know twicks would love a whole bunch of flaming batons!
Flaming poo is definitely bad – flamingo poo, however, might be interesting. What’s that you say, FCM? No poo of any sort? Too messy? Sigh. Okay.
And flamingbananas – please, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t do the shoulder thing. That’s just … creepy.
Okay, people, we do have some openings for lovely assistants here – or handsome, we’re equal opportunity impresarios. Helena needs someone to hold the glass of water; Dragwyr could probably use someone to help out – that person would need a security clearance of some sort; and we’ll need the little guy with the toothbrush moustache, the thick glasses, and the cap to come out with the push broom to clean up sequins, etc., between acts. Any volunteers?
Well, you’re gonna need a stage manager.
My talents: I can call cues. I can also cuss like a salior, and totally freak out newbie light board ops while fixing a major cue foul-up.
Well … if the costume mistress can put sequins on the waist of my Naked Blacklight Singing Dog Hula Skirt[sup]TM[/sup], then I am willing to assist any of the other acts, as needed. As I previously mentioned, I have good insurance. But sorry - I won’t push the broom, as I already clean up after the proverbial elephants at my day job.
Well, as long as I don’t have to stick my tongue part way up your nose, I’m all for trying.
Er, sorry, that should be "Naked Blacklight Singing***-and-Dancing*** Dogs Hula Skirt[sup]TM[/sup]
Mausmagill - you’ve got the job. Show no mercy, take no prisoners!
But wear a Scooter T-shirt – please?
I can make a spectacular cake for the after party celebration…
my talent is I can feed two kids and surf the dope at the same time!!!
I’m pretty sure I can fly. I’ve only made one attempt, but I just haven’t found the right venue.
That first attempt failed, I believe, because the dishtowel I’d borrowed from my mother was too small, and not exactly the right shade of blue.
Of course, being 6 years old at the time, a second performance was vetoed by the management, the afore-mentioned, Mom. The garage roof was thereafter off limits. I don’t know why.
I even put a pillow where I expected to land. (about 10 feet from the garage.) Saftey first!
So… I’m available for another flight. I’ll buy my own dishtowel, I mean cape, this time.
posted by rockle
No euphemisms necessary in this act, sweetie, 'cause your dancing partner is sorta missing his macadamias.
Now, 1,2,3,4 grab those paws and cha-cha-cha!
I can play the Irish whistle. And the accordian.
I can also hold an entire pint of beer, using only my cleavage.
So, what do you say?
Last year’s Dope-a-Ween participants learned all about my violin-playing talents, even though I was trying not to show off too much.
Or, if that’s too high-brow for this show, you’re going to need a lighting/sound tech. I’ve done enough talent shows in my lifetime to know how to mix just about anything.
You’re on! Now, to the most important decision of all: what color sequins? I’m all for yellow, obviously.
No problem. I’ve got coconuts enough for all of us.
Bah-dum-TCHIKS!
Angua - how would you like to run the concession stand? I’m betting that cleavage beer would fetch an premium price - you can rake off 10% for yourself - whaddya say?
av8rmike - I like me some fiddlin’ - pick out a coupla toe-tappers for us!
twicks - are you getting all this down? Or do we need to hire a flunky to take our notes and bring our lattes?
Sounds good to me boss. 