I got this coon dog can talk. He sure can. Once you get used to his speech patterns, it’s real clear what he’s saying.
Got a place for me and Ol’ Blue? Huh? Huh?
You know, when I mentioned animal acts, I didn’t have anything in particular in mind (well, okay, I was hoping there might be some armadillo jugglers out there – maybe a pair, so they could do the “toss back and forth” thing) – but now I’m thinking: MsRobyn, a few cute little mousies – we might really have something!
SkyClad your mom’s gone to bed, so you’re dealing with me, and I’m not nearly as big a pushover – but walk and chew gum? Work in flaming batons, Spaghetti-O’s, and/or an armadillo or two, and I’ll promise you a spot in the first part of the show.
’punha, 'capn – why don’t you two get together and see if you can’t combine your talents for a real show-stopper? Naked knife-throwing – that’s entertainment!
Tone – if you can’t find the hula skirt, a teeny little pair of wings might be equally effective, with or without a little halo. Just a suggestion: I don’t want to interfere with your artistic vision here.
My truly special talents are making mountains out of molehills, jumping to the wrong conclusions, and putting my foot in my mouth, but I usually save those for family occasions.
But I can also carry a tune pretty OK, and drink 13 Harvey Wallbangers without throwing up as long as I don’t get into a hot tub right afterwards. Maybe me and some other Dopers can do a neo-Rat Pack act?
If that fails, I can do the Blacklight Hula. Or, to draw in the masculine-male-type crowd, the Topless Blacklight Hula.
Or, I will be the Buxom Blonde Volunteer for the knife-throwing or flaming-baton-twirling acts. I have good insurance. Please? Anything?
John Carter, do you think your dog could sing while Tone’s dog dances?
No, I can’t give away my whole act, now can I? We’ll let the suspense build until the night of the show. OK?
(The bit about the wheat field really cracks 'em up too!)
If I can get somebody to hold the glass for me, I’ll give it a try.
twickster, it would be a bit difficult to get the pup’s horns wedged down far enough for the halo to stay on.
Actually, he prefers to dance in the nude. Keeps the wardrobe malfunctions at a minimum, ya know? And the cracker crumbs don’t get stuck in his bikini top.
Ah, geez, this is difficult – have Rockle do the nude hula with Tone dog, or have her hold the glass of water for Helena? What to do, what to do…
Wow. 47 posts from people with various talents and not one magician has appeared yet. (no pun intended… not! :D)
So I would like to audition my magic act. I have some killer close-up material and some great new stuff I have for a stage act!
I volunteer to pose as an actual Theater Critic for the NY Times_Picayune-Press giving gushing reviews about the acts to bring the crowds.
Naturally, I expect a kick back in the form of mula.
Flaming Spagetti-O’s sounds like hemrroids. And what song would they play? Ring of Fire, naturally.
Why I never! Flaming Spaghetti-O’s, people?!? The sauce alone would cause third degree burns! Can’t we make it Pez or something? Or wait! What about mashed up Twinkies? I’ll rassle in that.
I can fit a quarter in my nose. Two, if you count each nostril. I got two up each once, but it hurt like a bitch getting 'em out again.
Well, while wearing argyle I can gargle gershwin. Gloriously. 
OK, the early crew is back in, and I have just one thing to say: SkyClad, gum? Gum? GUM??? After all I’ve spent on dentists over the years? That durn well better be sugarless gum, missy…
Oh, sorry, involuntary mom-reflex there. Lessee, who else is on the list…
rjk, a greased pig? Sweetie-baby, this is the theatah, not the county fair. Love ya, love your work, maybe you should do a re-think and get back to us, thxbye.
Dragwyr - you’re in for sure. I like magicians. Do you have an attractive assistant in a sequinned costume? Or do you work alone?
Shirley - excellent - make sure you come up with a few pithy quotes that we can splash across our posters and the marquee!
Tentacle Monster - how’d you like to work the box office? I figure when you go to dispense change, most folks will refuse and that’ll make our take that much higher!!
TheOnlySaneOne - I’ve heard of your act. I’m intrigued. Incidentally, do you gargle George or Ira?
DooWahDiddy - Twinkies, huh? We might just make that work. It’s subtle, but I think the crowd will appreciate it. OK, write it up as a formal proposal, including your best estimate for Twinkie tonnage.
How about this? During my singing number, I’ll choeograph with a couple of armadillos named Sven and Rex while they twirl flaming batons. And I’ll make my gum Spaghetti-O flavored. That should count for something…
The real question is can you put your wedding ring up your nose?
Considering this by rockle: “If that fails, I can do the Blacklight Hula. Or, to draw in the masculine-male-type crowd, the Topless Blacklight Hula.”
I think we can work something out with my dog singing while rockle dances with Tone’s pup.
Time and place for practice sessions, please?
Well, I can play piano and guitar, but not ususally at the same time, and I can sing a bit, but if you’re looking for real talent…
I can touch my tongue to my nose.
And bend just the top joint of my left ring finger.
And …drum roll…I can do both at the same time.
Just need a little warm-up time for the tongue thing.
Aaaah… :o uuuuuuggghhh… aaaahhhhhh…
Ok, I think I’m ready for my audition now.
If that’s a euphemism, nobody better tell my husband, 'K? It’ll be our little secret until opening night.
[QUOTE=twickster]
Flander – have you given any thought to adding flaming batons to your act? QUOTE]
OOO ME ME! I can twirl a baton, AND I handle flaming bananas, and sometimes flaming poo, when I get angry. If not that, I can pop my shoulder out about 5 or 6 inches, and I can turn on and off light swiches, and make it look like I am climbing up a wall by my shoulderblades.