My wife is 61 and I’m 62. We’re doing quite well - financially secure, kids grown and independent, pretty healthy. Debating when we retire and how we lead our lives then.
One thing we often think about is how increasingly irrelevant we feel in so many aspects of life. We have our interests and small circles of friends whom we enjoy. But our kids (rightfully) are more interested in their families/careers/interests than they are in us. In our jobs, we are the “old dogs” on our way out and, honestly, to a large extent we are just putting in our time rather than trying to “grow” our careers or influence our places of employment. We feel as tho so much of culture and the economy is aimed at persons and interests younger and different than us. In our neighborhood we feel the younger folk just view us as the invisible old couple. We even find ourselves checking out of politics/news feeling, we’ve had our shot, there is little we can do, it is up to the younger folk to take their shot.
Like I said, I’m not looking for sympathy. We are very comfortable. I can look forward to 2-3 more decades of reading, golfing, making music, gardening… But I guess it has just sorta surprised us how increasingly irrelevant we feel.
Anyone else interested in sharing thoughts on this?
I’m with you to a point. My wife and I are 69 YO and retired for about 10 years.
I feel I’m NOT irrelevant because I put a lot of effort into teaching and trying to make my (former) profession better. I serve on a technical committee that revises and updates national codes. This is volunteer work. We meet about twice a month and are working on the 2025 edition.
I do some paid and some volunteer teaching just because I want to pass along some skills and knowledge. I teach electrical and security classes at different levels. In general, I find that I’m respected and appreciated by the students. I end up spending about 8 days each month actually teaching.
OTOH, most of the time I’m a big slug and just do what I want to entertain myself. Unlike many retirees, I’m never bored and my wife loves having me around the house.
Yeah - I pretty much agree. Heck, I went to a Big 10 school, saying I appreciated the anonymity. I guess BEING here feels a tad different than I had expected.
When we were younger, we had several friends older than us. Now, we realize how few younger friends we have. And we feel as tho we were more - uh - respectful of our parents’ learned life experiences than our kids are of ours. But we were likely as clueless and self-absorbed.
Like I said, I’m not really complaining. Just observed that having gotten here, the view is somewhat different than I thought I had imagined. Tho honestly, I’m not sure how much effort I spent imagining what my 60s-70s would be like. And it came on earlier/ more quickly that we had imagined.
I’m 61, everyone I work directly with is much younger than I and I sometimes get a vibe from them that they expect me to not understand their issues because many older workers are just getting by until retirement. But because of my job (senior audio engineer in the connected car development team) I am constantly reviewing new technologies and weighing the cost/benefit of changing things over. The team has found that this old dog can still hunt, new technology still excites me.
I also spend much time at a bar where I hang out with with a mix of old and young people, some as much as 30 years younger. So I get a lot of exposure to issues that younger people are facing and how they react to issues (jobs, kids, legal issues, new music websites and such). They have been surprised in the past that I actually listen to them and comprehend what they are saying. I think that goes a long way in getting respect, actually listening to younger people instead of tying it to my own experiences back in the day.
I recently was asked by my HR department to define my brand. I told them that I am classic Coke and that would you really want to live in world without classic Coke? They totally got the reference.
I’m 69, married and living with my wife and our daughter, her husband and their son. I’m retired.
I do feel respected by my family and even by my grandson and his friends. But I do fear I’m becoming more and more irrelevant. I’m a liberal but I have troubles with things like cancel culture and wokeness. Granted, I’ve been living in Indiana all my life, so that’s been a factor.
I’m 68, and I retired from high tech four years ago. I live in a small town in a rural state, and even before retiring, I started volunteering.
Our town runs on volunteers; from decorating downtown for Christmas to performing live productions at our theater, my wife and I both volunteer. The nice thing about living in a small town is there are numerous opportunities to volunteer. Back in the SF Bay Area, I have been turned away from volunteering because I didn’t speak Spanish, but that’s another story.
After teaching drivers safety to seniors over the past ten years, I am now responsible for the town’s six-times-a-year blood drive. Our local hospital depends on the blood we collect. I’m also involved with four other volunteer groups. My parents taught me to volunteer through their examples. Helping my community keeps me relevant.
I think that is called ‘getting old’. It has probably always been like this, especially ‘modern’ times.
You and I are about the same age so I hear you.
What gets me a bit is that I have been through quite a bit and I think that what wisdom I have to offer should at least be considered and filed away for future thought. I refuse to ‘push’ myself on people. I will offer a little something and see how they react. If it isn’t positive, I shut the hell up.
The most common ‘not positive’ reactions are hints that I am mansplaining…or, most commonly, advice about stock market/investing I am met with instant dismissal and thoughts that I consider bad/unwise. I get it…you don’t know that I have been doing this a long time and have done very well and there is much unwise advice out there. So, I have taken to only offering advice when asked, and that is rarely.
As a retired old fart, I feel no need to be “relevant”, whatever that may mean. And I feel perfectly respected, particularly since many pretty cashiers in stores seem extra nice to me, presumably because I remind them of their grandpa.
As long as I have friends and family and a moderately comfortable life, I’m fine. What sucks is when the consequences of advancing age claims your best friend, as happened to me recently. I suddenly heard that he had inoperable cancer, and just about as suddenly, he was gone. Perhaps this might lend some perspective to those who are relatively healthy and comfortable but just unhappy about getting older.
Yup. You can throw out something like you have experience doing this or some minor statement without giving advice…just to give them a chance to follow up with you. It has happened once or twice and they were thankful
My wife and I were having a home built. I knew nothing and my family was never close so I took to approaching old geezers, told them what I was doing and asked something like “If you were in my position, what would you make sure you did that you didn’t when you were younger”.
They tended to be tickled pink I would ask and had much advice. Some bad, some irrelevant etc.
However, a theme of 2 things kept popping up.
Make sure you have some sort of siding on the house and make sure you install an underground sprinkler system.
THAT was golden advice! I was glad I asked. I wouldn’t have thought of it myself and booyyyyy am I glad I listened to them.
Oh! remembered a third. Electrical outlets are dirt cheap when building. Make sure you stuff many of them everywhere. Also golden advice.
I’m 59 and retired- I guess maybe I’m irrelevant, too. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t perceive the same changes that you do. Our friends have always been close to us in age - acquaintances are another story. Those we have always had both younger and older. I’m not entirely sure what you mean by “respectful of our parents’ learned life experiences” , but if you mean you listened to and valued their advice even if you didn’t follow it, we didn’t do that either. It wasn’t a matter of not respecting them - it’s just that their lives were so different from ours that they couldn’t give any useful advice. How can someone who has never bought a house/gone to college/looked for a new job by choice give someone else advice about doing those things? My kids’ lives are not that different from ours so they still sometimes ask for advice - but I try not to offer it unsolicited and I’m not offended when they don’t follow it.
In a bit of humor…my most accepted advice I ever give…even have been called “BRILLIANT!” several times was…
To the guy dating a woman and in that awkward stage of needing to give a serious gift but not TOO personal…jewelry is too expensive/looks small and cheap for the money plus might be toopersonal for that stage…I advise “By her a Coach purse (or equivalent)”. Not cheap but not hideously expensive, you get something personal but not TOO personal, It has substance and almost every woman knows what a Coach purse is and likes it.
This is really interesting to me. I’m 63 and my wife is 65 and though I don’t quite feel irrelevant, thanks to my latent insecurities, I worry about seeming irrelevant, if that makes any sense.
I’ll be retiring in about a year and a half and, as was mentioned upthread, I’ve shifted my professional ambitions from “wanting to prove myself and make a difference” to “wanting to be the best, most supportive coworker I can be”. I’m a 6’ 3" male in reasonably good shape with what everyone calls a good FM or radio voice. So, externally and superficially, I am a poster child of privilege. As such, I try to be really conscious of any appearance of mansplaining. Where I work has a fairly diverse workforce and a manager (not mine though) with whom I interact a fair bit, and another person in my specialty, are both younger women. The manager is super competent and the younger specialist is brilliant - she’ll go places.
Culturally, I recognize that it’s not my generation’s planet anymore and I try to keep as informed as possible.
I had one very funny moment a few years ago, just before I turned 60. I was at a concert and, for the first time in my life, I went into the mosh pit, surrounded by late teens and 20-somethings. They were all giving me thumbs-ups and I was having an absolute blast. When the show ended and the lights came on, one of the young guys asked me how old I was. I told him I was 60 and his response was “I love your fucking energy man!”
You were very smart to ask, and it didn’t cost you anything. I recently had a similar experience with my neighbor, who is building a large house two doors down from me. He’s a successful real estate broker, but this is the first house that he’s built. I’d guess he’s around 45 years old. His house is framed in, and he was giving me a tour. I asked if he has a lawn and underground sprinkler system going in, and he said he was. I suggested he make sure there is a place where he, or someone else, can easily blow out the lines before the first hard freeze. He thought about it for a second and said he hoped someone thought of it. My guess is someone did, but he’s now going to check to make sure.
I never felt regarded as relevant no matter what age I was, so nothing has changed. I’m no longer generally regarded and treated as some kind of lowlife delinquent type, as I was in my teens and twenties. I currently get to work from home yet I’m employed doing full-time work that I do very efficiently, so I feel appreciated and useful while at the same time getting the best benefits of being retired (not having to commute, having the comforts of home instead of the impersonality of the office, etc). I have more people listening to me now than at any time previously (still not enough, dammit) and at least a modest profile thanks to the books being published. So all in all, being in my 60s is better than any earlier decade was.
Interestingly, at 67, I had my first significant taste of “senior irrelevance” just yesterday. I retired from self-employment a year ago, but since then I have continued to participate in an industry association committee I have been on for more than 30 years. I worked in the industry from 1984 until I retired.
Yesterday afternoon I was thinking I might take a little nap, when a reminder popped up on my phone that the committee Zoom call was in 15 minutes. I seriously considered giving it a miss for the nap, but duty prevailed. But after the meeting I decided that, more than a year away from the business, I just don’t have that much to offer any more. I’m not up on the new developments and technologies. One of the main tasks of the committee is planning sessions for industry conferences, and I probably won’t be going to the conferences any more, unless they happen to be nearby.
It’s slightly depressing to feel that whatever usefulness I had in that setting may be over, but fortunately I have lots of other stuff to keep me busy, so it’s not a general theme in my life. I’ve been overseeing lots of major upgrades to the 70-year-old family home my wife and I moved into last year: a mini-split system, new windows, carpets, painting, replacing retaining walls, a new deck, and coming up soon, a new roof, expanded driveway, and solar panels. So much so that my step-daughter, who lives in a much larger and older house with her husband and the two grandkids, has jokingly said she wants to hire me as project manager on work needed on their house.
Our family situation is good. My wife, 62, is still working full time at a job she enjoys, so I take care of most housework and meals, and looking after her mother, who lives with us and has dementia. So far, that’s not too stressful, but my wife is constantly telling me how much she appreciates all that I do for us.
At least once a month we see the grandkids I mentioned above, who live about an hour away. And we see my parents (in their nineties, but all in reasonably good health) and the other stepchildren and grandchildren, all conveniently in the Baltimore area, about 3-4 times a year.
I would urge you to reconsider this attitude and look into ways you could volunteer in the political arena. Assuming you’re in the US, and that you’re not a MAGAT, there is plenty that individuals can do to help stop the anti-democratic forces working in the country today. If not the party or specific candidates, organizations like the ACLU need help. Surely you are concerned about the state of the country you’re leaving to your kids and grandkids? (If you are a MAGAT, you’re absolutely right, there’s nothing you can do!)
In any case, good luck finding meaning and relevance in your life.
I’m 71. I think if anything I get more respect than I used to years ago.
I’m female, which may have something to do with it.
Having said that: there are lots of people who don’t respect poor people, or don’t respect farmers, or don’t respect anybody who doesn’t dress like they do, and so on. So ‘do I feel respected’? Depends on who by.
