Backstory:
A woman I had dated before, had a few personal crises (whats the plural of crisis) and kinda shoved me away. We still kinda kept in contact and we have gone out a few times over the last month or so and ended up sleeping together. Throughout all of this she has repeatedly emphasized we are not a couple, we are not bf/gf, we are just friends with bennies.
I had been pondering getting a vascectomy for a while, being 40, most women I might date are not interested in more kids anyway.
Today:
I finally decided to go ahead and schedule it and mentioned it to her. Her response…
“if you get a vascectomy I will not speak to you again”
She still wants another child, I am not against the idea under the right circumstances, but it just kinda puzzles me how I went from ex bf to friend who she wants around, to FWB to best candidate for future children in a the last month.
I have known her on and off for a year, we dated for about 4 months before.
Does this make sense to someone else or did I accidentally stick my dick in the crazy…
I believe vasectomies heal up in just 1-2 weeks, and after that there would really be no way for her to find out, unless she has a microscope. My (bad) advice: get one, and don’t tell her.
You know, I wouldn’t react like that to my own husband, were he to want a vasectomy. Seriously?
No, see, the way grown-ups react to stuff like this is to say, “Oh. Really? 'Cause, I have to say, of course it’s all your decision, but… I was thinking it might be nice to have a baby somewhere down the road, and thinking of asking you to father it/marry me/splooge in a cup/etc. Can we talk a bit about maybe freezing some sperm first, or using other birth control methods for a while?”
I mean, whatever her motivation, whether it be donor or mate, the silent treatment just isn’t really the way to go about convincing a man you should be the mother of his children, you know?
Depending on how much you care about this person, I would either blow it off, or else, if it’s someone whose important is opinion to you, I would ask “why do you say that?” and judge according to her response.
Unless you already know what her answer to the question is (e.g. it’s something like “because I want to have children with you some day.”)
Did you ask her why she wouldn’t speak to you ever again if you got a vasectomy? She sounds cuckoo for coco puffs to me but she’s your friend; I’d be willing to give her a teeny benefit of the doubt.
Well after discussing the matter a bit she has been tiptoing around taking me back just because she feels like she needs to get her life in order still, but at the some time thinks I am great and wants me, plus still wants another child.
My revelation kinda threw a huge monkey wrench at her plan of get back with me, if things work out we can be together and have another child and we will all be a happy little family. She kinda freaked because I was about to do something that would make the baby part impossible. She has asked me to wait a year for things to settle out and see how we work out long term before deciding to end the possibility of children without going to extra measures.
In hindsight, it wouldve been better if you didnt mention it. Sounds like shes leading you around, and doesn’t like the idea you may do something with your body that she can’t control. Also, I doubt someone that gives those kinds of ultimatums has the ovaries to follow though. My guess if you went through with it she wouldve come crawling back in spite of the threats. Its easy to threaten when you are mad, much harder to follow through once you calmed down
The key question is, do you want to have a child? If the answer is no, stop reading right here. Get the vasectomy.
If maybe you do want to have a kid at some point, is she who you want to be your kid’s mother? You said she’s had some “personal crises” and It doesn’t really sound like she’s done having them yet. Even better advice than “don’t stick your dick in the crazy” is “don’t knock up the crazy.”
If you do have a kid together, do you really think that “happy little family” ideal is within reach? Is it what you want? If your relationship doesn’t last, your child will tie you to her for the rest of your life. Is that what you want?
Ultimately, you’re the only one who can make this decision, but my gut says: go for the snip. If you don’t, proceed with extreme caution.
Even better make sure YOU are using birth control in the mean time. I would say there’s a higher than normal chance that someone who would react that way would lie about using BC if you disagreed with a pregnancy plan or if she suspected that you might.
If she’s over 35 the risk of having a special needs child just skyrocketed, so you not only need to ask yourself if you want to have a kid with this woman, but if you want to run that risk as well. Mostly though my “don’t stick your dick in the crazy” alarm is going off. If I got the impression that someone who was giving me milk had plans to have me co-sign on a dairy farm because “hey, you like milk, right?” I’d run like fun.
