‘Whatever you do… don’t let him take your eyes!’
And I liked the merkin.
The Captain Hero bit was too obvious – even for Drawn Together.
Great, wonderful, I am pleased.
What are you talking about?
Drawn Together ‘Nipple Ring-Ring Goes To Foster Care’.
Spoiler synopsis:
In this episode Ling-Ling turns 21. So he has a birthday party complete with the traditional 21 shots of alcohol and 21 shots of heroin. (He passes out after the first shot, so the gang administers the rest of the traditional thots and shots while he’s unconscious.) Xandir pulls a hypo of adrenaline out of his arse and Wooldoor injects it into Ling-Ling’s heart. Wooldoor looks at Ling-Ling’s ID and finds out he’s only three. The now conscious (wht the hypo still sticking out of his chest) Ling-Ling protests that that’s 21 in monster years. Nevertheless Wooldoor calls Child Protective Services and Ling-Ling is whisked away to a foster home.
Meanwhile, Captain Hero is jealous of Xandir’s nipple ring and decides he must have one of his own. He destroys his See-And-Say and uses an electronic part of it to make his own nipple ring. He goes out into a thunderstorm and is hit my lightning. The shock turns the See-And-Say part into a transmitter that allows Captain Hero to communicate with his 12-year-old self back in 1986. Dick that he is, Captain Hero decides to mess with his younger self.
Foxxy has sent all of her children to foster care, and seeing Ling-Ling go is too much; so she disguises herself in a schoolgirl outfit and jumps into the foster care bin (next to the recycling bin). She bounces from foster home to foster home. In the first one she winds up with Daddy Warbucks. Little Orphan Annie peeks out from behind a column and says, Whatever you do… don’t let him take your eyes!’ She’s then grabbed by a figure and disappears with him. Daddy Warbucks advances menacingly on Foxxy with a mellon baller.
Lind-Ling’s foster father is an old black man who uses him as a slave, until Ling-Ling discovers the man is actually Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben is a hero to Ling-Ling who is crazy for rice. They settle into a nice homelife in Uncle Ben’s shack. Eventually Foxxy shows up and it turns out Uncle Ben is her biological father. Ling-Ling is suddenly ignored. When they fight, Uncle Ben ‘goes out for a pack of cigarettes’ as he did years before. There’s an amusing live-action montage as Ling-Ling and Foxxy wait for him to come home. When they decide he’s gone for good Foxxy says they can live as their own family. Ling-Ling suddenly remembers he’s out of cigarettes and scrams. Replay the montage.
Captain Hero’s 12-year-old self wants to go to a barn dance with a hot chick and asks his elder self how to do it. Captain Hero tells him to stick a hero sandwich down his pants. The hot chick shyly asks 12YOCH to the dance, but then notices what he’s doing. ‘ARE YOU F***ING A SANDWICH?’ 12YOCH is laughed at by everyone in the diner, who dub him ‘Captain Hero’. (If he was in Boston he’d be ‘Captain Grinder’.) Captain Hero continues to mess with 12YOCH, telling him to burn down the barn. He does, and the hot chick is burned to death. Captain Hero blames 12YOCH for killing the girl he loved and continues to give 12YOCH ‘advice’ that twists him. Xandir asks him why he’s doing that. Captain Hero says that when he was 12 some bastard did that to him, and he swore he’d take revenge by doing it to someone else! Captain Hero gets 12YOCH to take a photo of his penis and bury it under a tree. Captain Hero retrieves the photo and is confronted by cops with ZZ Top beards who have been waiting 20 years to bust him on chold porn charges. He wants to keep the photo, since it’s the only one he has of his penis before The Accident. Captain Hero is angry with 12YOCH so he rips out his ‘nipple ring communicator’ (and his nipple), but not before planting the suggestion in 12YOCH’s mind that he should have sex with the garbage disposal. ‘Hey, what’s this switch?’
Some sort of TV show?
Johnny L.A., congratulations. You’ve said the word of the day.
I think the show has ruined the Captain Hero character. He was funnier when he was on the edge of mania. Now he’s just bizarre.
“Ain’t I an asshole” was funny though.
“Things have gone downhill ever since Ling-Ling left. Our nails aren’t manicured, the zen garden is out of whack, and our Tibetans have got way too much freedom!”
I thought the origin of Captain Hero’s name was pretty funny. He was the only character we didn’t learn the origin of in the baby episode.
“Hey, you’re me when I was 12!”
“Oh yeah? Prove it!”
“Twelveyearoldmesayswhat?”
“Who?”
“Close enough.”
We did see how he was introduced to necrophilia.