I called my ex-husband last night to find out what time he was going to pick up our daughter today since it’s his weekend with her. From the moment he answered the phone I knew he was drunk. I was with him for 6 years and he was drunk for most of that time so I’m pretty good at noticing these things. Not to mention the fact that when he’s drunk he babbles and repeats himsef constantly. He told me 5 times last night that he was still adjusting to his first week of day shift and he told me 5 times that he would pick up Briana at 7:00 tonight!
Should I tell him that I know he’s still drinking and make the threat that if I ever find out he’s been drinking when he has Briana that it’s gonna be hell to pay? Cause that’s the truth. If I do find out he’s drinking when he has her, I don’t know what I’ll do but he will pay. I just know that one of these days he’s going to be drunk and something horrible is going to happen. I know that if I say something about it it’s just going to cause a fight but the thought of something happening to her because of his problem is just killing me. I’ve been thinking about it all day and I’m half scared to let her go with him tonight!
Oh my gosh Rachelle…you have every right to be scared of letting your daughter go with him if he’s drunk. I don’t have any experience in this area, but is there some way that you can report this to someone in the courts?
Good luck, and I hope that this gets resolved for you and Briana…
Having dealt with drunks (both professionally and personally), one thing is clear to me - You must deal with your own anger first. I’m not saying that you have no right/cause to be angry and fearful. Just that spending time trying to figure out which way to act based on how drunk the jerk is, isn’t a productive way to live.
Next - have you checked into support groups like AlAnon? they are free and can be very helpful in dealing with the ancillary anger towards the drunken bum (this is both for YOUR sake and your child’s sake)
Then - read your divorce agreement carefully. Denial of visitation rights can be very tricky. Certainly, if he appears at your place drunk, you would have just cause to not let your daughter go off with him at the wheel. But, as my lawyer told me, I don’t have the right to tell my ex what to do with their life. Yes, I agree that a drunken parent is serious, but if you are truly concerned about that, see the judge about amending the visitation to include this. But be prepared to back up your contention with hard evidence. if your ex is over 21 and not on any kind of parole or probation, it is NOT illegal for him to have a drink /many drinks while your child is there. Sorry, but it isn’t. Gets so drunk he passes out and doesn’t hear the smoke detector? that may be different, but be prepared to show proof. Remember, the judge will look at both sides. I remember being ouraged that my child was subjected (at the ripe old age of 6) to visits that included his transvestite Uncle. talk about confusion! but the Friend of the Court advised me that they would not entertain any discussion about who my ex chose to have visit while my son was there unless I could demonstrate a direct harm (and more than "that’s really confusing) to the child (example, he would have been prevented from bringing home a convicted child molester…)
anyhow, best of luck… and, keep in mind, I used to deal with drunks professionally at a correction center and DID have to confront them at the time with the fact that they were drinking, AND I’d be taking a urine specimin to proove it, and they STILL would say “No, I haven’t been drinking”, and when the test showed up positive for like point 30 (where all states consider point 1 being legally drunk), they’d sheepishly admit “well, I MIGHT have had ONE beer…” pretty pointless.
I don’t think he would do anything to intentionally hurt Briana but you know that when you’re drunk you don’t think clearly. When we first met we partied quite a bit and had a lot of fun but as I got older I slowed down and he didn’t. When I was pregnant he was still going out and partying on the weekends and still doing it even after she was born. He’s always had a drinking problem I just ignored it for a lot of years.
He has some problems with depression and is very moody and the drinking just makes this worse. He is still really upset about the divorce and I know that he misses Briana. I just wish that Briana was able to tell me more about what goes on when she’s with him. I’m pretty sure that he drinks when he has her because Briana knows what beer is and she even pointed out his brand at the grocery store one day. We were walking down the bread/beer aisle and she pointed to the Budweiser and said, “Look mommy, that’s daddy’s beer.” I asked her if daddy drank beer and she said yes and that she didn’t like it! That kind of worried me. I just wish there was some way I could know for sure what goes on when he has her.
Rachelle, I know this doesn’t help your immediate worry but here is an idea that might help in the long run. Have you started keeping a journal of your ex-husband’s behavior around your daughter? Anything she might tell you–without leading questions-about her visits?
Make note of it. Date, any important details, etc.
Take someone with you or have someone there when you have contact with him–like tonight–to serve as a witness to ANYTHING that might be relevant later.
This journal serves two purposes: it gives you an outlet for your observations. It might be useful in court later.
Granted, it won’t solve all your problems, but it tells the judge that you’re an eagle-eye parent and very concerned. I have heard that a journal can help a parent who feels helpless to protect a child. Make sure you are objective–just stating facts or things you feel might be pertinant to your daughter’s safety.
I wish there was more I could do for you. But a call to your lawyer for advice on the subject can’t hurt anything.
Keep your chin up. You’re being a good mommy.
struuter
A journal’s a good idea. I kept a journal for the last 6 months that I lived with him. I used to go through the trash and count how many beers he drank the night before. I even had to go look in the large trash can outside and our storage shed out back because he started hiding the empty cans!
I don’t want the title of the thread to be an indication of anything. It was just an eye-catching title and not a vent of my anger.
You have a right to worry, but don’t throw things out of proportion. The best advice would be to go with your gut. do you really think he will get plastered when he has your daughter? Does he not value his time with her that he would rather get bombed than have a quality visit? I don’t think I would keep him from seeing his daughter, unless he was obviuosly drunk when he comes to pick her up. Perhaps try calling during his visit to get an idea of how it is going. Perhaps try telling him your worries. Best wishes!