Lately I’ve been noticing my friend’s pre-occupation with alcohol. She’s been drinking for years and the way she’s done it has always bothered me, but lately it seems like it’s going a little too far.
We used to go out for drinks once or twice a week last summer. She would drink about five to my one. To her defense on that I am a slow drinker. I can nurse a beer for an hour or two, but I never drink to get drunk. She on the other hand would. I voiced my concern about this then, but she just got very defensive.
We now live in separate towns about 3 hours apart. Everytime I visit her she has a beer in her hands. I’m not talking about late at night either. It’s generally around noon to early afternoon. When we were talking about my wedding coming up (which she’s suppose to be the maid of honor) she was more concerned about if I was going to have an open bar. She talked about how much she was going to be drinking and how quickly she would get in line for the bar. I know she was joking, but it still bothered me.
One time I stopped by before she had to go into work. It was 30 minutes before her shift and I watched her down a couple of beers.
For the past couple of weeks she’s been watching a friend of hers child. He’s about 2 1/2. I stopped by her place yesterday while I was in town. The child was there and so was she with a bottle of beer in her hand. It was 1 pm. When I sat next to her on the couch she smelled like that wasn’t her first of the day. She called me earlier this afternoon. When I asked her what she was up to her reply was “Nothing much. Watching the kid, drinking a beer.” I will admit that I’m a bit prudish to when it comes to drinking, but there is a child in her care.
Does any else think that she may have a drinking problem? If so, any one know a way that I can help her?
I think she might. You could confront her, refer her to AA, but really the best thing is to realize that she won’t get help until she accepts she has a drinking problem. If you are having issues dealing with that, try Al-Anon for yourself. Best way you can help her is to learn about enabling and learn to not enable her drinking. YMMV
As a functional alcoholic myself, it’ll be up to her if she wants to change her life.
Just a note however, among my beer drinking friends years ago, one of then was concerned with himself enough to call AA and investigate a little. After a few questions and answer the AA counselor said, “Oh we’re just talking about beer here? Don’t worry about it”.
Possibly. Alcoholism has a lot of faces and is generally associated with pattern drinking (technically, someone who religiously gets drunk on the same night every year is an alcoholic). Does she have an alcoholic parent? Grandparent? Was she the victim of childhood abuse? The children of alcoholics tend to have low tolerance for the stuff. My father was an alcoholic and my brother is a (what’s the term now?) recovering alcoholic going on 30 years. For him, it was beer and lots of it, to the exclusion of the wellbeing of his family. I have to be very careful with booze myself, and consider myself to be alcoholic-prone.
One thing is for certain: you won’t be able to convince your friend that she needs help. She’ll have to figure that one out all alone, hopefully not accompanied by some horrific event.
There a fairly large number of experts who subscribe to the theory that anyone who can consume enough alcohol to the point of getting intoxicated more than once a year are alcoholics.
Yes I believe there is something to be concerned about.
I had a similar situation, what I asked her to do was prove me wrong and shut me up, by seeing how long she could go without a drink. My friend went 5 days and found it easy so felt pretty good. But then drank 3 bottles of wine over the next 2 days as a result. I then asked her if she could do it again. She found it really hard, and then realised she might have a problem.
It was just that she couldn’t cope with life as it was. She stressed easily, and also got bored easily.
All I wanted was for her to admit to herself she might have a problem, she is working through things now to cope better. It didn’t mean giving up drinking, but controling it. Setting boundries.
Like Chefguy said she needs to realise it. Then you just support her if she needs it.
I know it’s hard to sit and watch someone you care about do something that may be harming her. But we all have our harmful habits, hers is just more obvious.
My advice is keep your standards of responsible drinking to yourself. She doesn’t need to hear it.
I wouldn’t worry about the child. A person with a long term drinking pattern is probably able to work, live and care for a child without any problems. She’s adapted her life to being tipsy all the time. It feels normal to her ( huge generalisation I know), so she doesn’t feel out of control when she drinks, but rather when she doesn’t. The child knows no different and is quite safe. But still keep one eye out in the future in case things change.
GoodLuck.
In the end, be okay if she doesn’t want to change. Find a new friend or deal with it.
I think she has a problem. To me daytime drinking, and drinking alone is a sign of alcoholism. But that’s just one opinion.
Unfortunatley, I don’t think there’s much you can do, unless she wants to help herself. All that stuff about nagging is true. It doesn’t work. They need to find out for themselves. You might express your concerns, and let your opinion of her drinking be known. Sort of going on the record, so to speak. If enough people close to her do that – one time per person – it might start to sink in.
If her drinking becomes a barrier to being around her, I 'd suggest a little distance between the two of you. She may be upset, but in the long run it’s best for both of you. And then you wont be tempted to enable her. Such as lending her money, or picking up after her.
If she ever decides to quit, then you could be a tremendous help to her. Watching her kids while she attends meetings, or is in another kind of recovery program. And of course lending moral support.
Sounds like a load of bullshit. AA does not have counselors. A person can be a raging-full-steam-ahead alcoholic and only drink beer.
You friend is at least a Problem Drinker, in my opinion. If she can stop drinking cold turkey with no difficulty, I’d say she was probably not an alcoholic, but the drinks before work is a big red flashing warning sign. Either way, having this person in a responsible position like a Maid of Honor at your wedding, you are risking embarrassment and trouble.
Agreed. And a sad story to go along with that. My own uncle, never ever ever was without a beer in his hands. He’d crack one open in early morning, and would constantly have one going. I can’t remember him without a Coors OR without a glow on. We’d go fishing; he’d have a seperate cooler just for the Coors. At length, it cost him his marriage. 3 times. His family, his business, he alienated those around him, and literally wound up a derelict on the streets. He no longer has is full head about him. All he ever drank was beer. Basically, he slowly lost control of it.
OP: If you’ve noticed her drinking more than she used to, it’s obvious she’s only gotten worse. If it’s starting to affect her daily living, and you’re really that close of a friend, I would certainly tell her what your observation is, and do it in a gentle but sincere manner. At worst, she’ll be pissed off at you for awhile, but she’ll know that at least you cared enough to confront it.
I’ve tried to confront her about it in the past. She’s very stubborn and has her head in the clouds for most things. Most of the people she hangs around now only encourage binge drinking. A close friend of ours from high school seemed to think that it wasn’t really as big of a problem as I made it out to be. Of course she’s also a partier, but knows her limitations and responsibilities.
My friend on the other hand doesn’t seem to care less about responsibilities. She’s currently unemployed. She walked out of her last job that was in a bar (she never quite explained why, something about them singling her out for something). She called me today and said she was thinking about putting in an application at another bar. All her jobs that don’t involve alcohol don’t last more than two months.
I’ve tried confronting her, I’ve tried ignoring it. Basically right now it’s either she wakes up and realizes what she’s doing to herself or I walk. It’s not that I don’t care about her. I love her a lot. She’s been my best friend for 8 years. About the only other thing I can think to do is tell her mother (who is either clueless or in denial). I know she’d stop talking to me then. I just hate to end a friendship over this.
My aunt is 80 years old and has a beer in front of her from about 3 PM til she goes to bed. She drinks all day.
She also only drinks about three in an 8 hour period and I have never seen her drunk in her life.
She simply likes beer, sips on it all day (in a glass filled with ice. yuk!).
This doesn’t sound like the case for your friend, although you don’t seem to mention her being sloppy drunk, dropping babies or doing anything harmful.
There is also a tolerance factor to consider. I was shocked to see in Germany that average workers would drink a beer at breakfast, two more at lunch and a couple after work.
Some people can handle what you would consider excessive amounts. I am not making excuses for your friend, but until you see any specific danger signals like others have pointed out, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.
Sounds like she’s a functioning alcoholic. If she’s like my father, a second generation German, her tolerance is now so high that you’d be hard-pressed to know she’s been drinking based on her behavior.
My father could down a 12 pack and still hammer a nail in straight. In fact, he remodeled my whole kitchen and would pop his first tab at around 11am (announcing “It’s noon somewhere!”). He drives every day and has never gotten pulled over. Technically, legally, he’s drunk. But “drunk” in terms of mental and physical impairment? No. He’s a functional alcoholic.
Should you do anything about it? You might as well try to convince a smoker to stop smoking. What is obvious to you doesn’t even appear on her radar.