I have a question for those of you who have dealt with drinking from either side of the issue. I have a friend that I work with - he stopped by my desk today and I could tell he had been drinking. It was 9:00AM.
I have known him for about 12 years - we occasionally hang out with each other and our respective spouses and other work-friends - but we’re not close friends. I need to do something - if only because I know he must have driven to work like this.
How should I approach this? I feel like I can talk to him one-on-one - but should I tell his wife? Others at work? I think he’s under a lot of stress right now - and is using the drinking to cope. I want to do something constructive - not something that will make him more stressed out and worsen the situation.
Be supportive, be a friend, reinforce the positive, be there to help.
Give him a ride when he’s plastered; pour him into bed.
Be a good role model.
Don’t try to fix the problem; it’s way out of your hands. When he’s ready to change, he will. Or…he might not. You can’t scold him into changing, or preach him into changing, or beg, bribe, shame, or compel him into changing. The cliché is true: change has to come from within.
So… Be a friend, as long as you can stand it. If the day comes that you can no longer put up with it, then leave, quietly, politely, perhaps with a parting word of advice. Drunks tend to lose a lot of friends, and it isn’t the friends’ fault.
Be like a Catholic “Guardian Angel.” Watch over him, love him, help him as you can…but do not take on responsibility for him. If you have the patience of an angel or a saint…it will be tested.
Be a friend. (And, yeah, that also includes “don’t let him drive drunk.” The life you save might be your sister’s.)
ETA: sorry, I read a bit hastily; the above is more for “close friends” than for casual workplace acquaintance type friends. Still, I think the attitude is correct.
From the information given in the OP, I’d only tell him in the most non-confrontational way possible that you know he’s been drinking.
Let him know the only reason you mention it is because if you notice it, others probably do as well.
As far as actual help goes? Well, I’m sure any formal alcoholic on here can tell you that you can’t help them unless they want to be helped.
You currently have no idea if that’s the case judging from your OP.
I wouldn’t say anything to his wife. (She probably knows already, anyway, unless he only just drinks between home and the workplace, which is unlikely). If he himself still can’t recognize that there’s a problem, going “behind his back” to talk to her will only undermine any entry you might have now to talk to him directly.
However, as suggested above, I’d tell him–as a concerned friend–that it’s evident to others that he’s drinking before work, and that he’s likely to lose his Job and/or get arrested if this continues. Then–if your employer has one–strongly suggest that he utilize the EAP. He can talk to a counselor anonymously.
Really, it’s hard to give suggestions for you without knowing the degree to which he’s ready to admit there’s a problem, because you’re neither the family nor the employer.
This is where I am unsure myself - I don’t have any idea how long this has been going on - I’m fairly sure he was drinking heavily a few months ago - but this was the first time I saw him drunk at work. To me this is a huge line to cross - it tells me his judgement is so far gone I can’t imagine there’s much left.
The degree to which he sees there is a problem and that he is willing to address it is completely unknown to me. I think I will talk to him directly on Monday and tell him that he was noticeably drunk, that he had to have driven to work drunk - and that it can’t go on like this. I think I’ll mention the EAP program - yes we do have one - and offer any help I can give.
I think I really also have to tell his supervisor - we are all friends - but she may be able to help get him some time off or whatever he needs - she needs to know what’s going on. I agree about not approaching his wife - that’s a whole 'nother kettle of fish - and I don’t think I want to stir that pot.
I’d be against telling his supervisor. Good chance if you noticed other people noticed as well. I’d pull him aside and in the most friendly way ask him if he’s ok. Then mention the morning you noticed he was drinking. Just tell him your not judging him, but just worried and hope he gets better.
This is what my supervisor told me one morning. We were talking about things that sucked just he and I. And he said to me “you know what sucks Ibanez people coming into work smelling like booze” I had tied one on the night before maybe a little too late a guess and came into work. It was pretty embarassing.
The boss probably also knows what’s going on, but you may want to talk to her about it from the perspective of friendly concern, then let her do what she needs to do.
You can’t reason with someone who is drunk or who has been drinking, and you can’t reason with an active alcoholic even when he is not drunk. You can tell him until you’re blue in the face that he drinks too much and that he should stop for his own good, but it will be like talking to a wall.
Ultimately, he will have to suffer the consequences of his own actions. If he drinks at work, he has to be the one to straighten out his act if he wants to keep his job or his marriage or whatever else he stands to lose.
I can recommend going to at least a few Al-Anon meetings. These will help you understand your friend and help you protect yourself.
Thanks for all the good advice everyone, I appreciate the help. I guess I’ll see how things go next week and hope for the best. I do know it’s all on him to change up and I can only offer support. It’s just really sad to realize this is happening to him.