The rumor mill has been buzzing about an acquaintance of mine and her possible alcoholism. I hadn’t really experienced any problems with her, myself, so I just listened to what was being said and decided not to worry about it too much until I’d seen any evidence.
This evening she called me, as I had a job lead I wanted to discuss with her (she was recently laid off). Without a doubt, she was extremely drunk: she was slurring her words, erratically changing topics and over-sharing. She regalled me with stories about her ex-husband behavior - including rape, adultry and beatings. I asked her if she was seeing a counselor and she launched into a long story about her ex-husband and how he beat her so badly that she was in the hospital for a month the last time she tried to get him to go to couple’s therapy. Now, she’s been divorced for nearly seven years, so I have no idea if that’s a “yes” or a “no”.
I want to be her friend and I want to be a good friend. However, my father was an alcoholic and I’ve been through this before - I know there’s nothing I can really do. Let’s be honest, too, in that I’m working my own issues now with my family and background, so the thought of being caught up in her problems terrifies me and would not be the best for me emotionally. Yet, I still want to be here for her - just not when she’s drunk.
Any suggestions how I can maintain the relationship with her, but keep my personal sanity?
I assume from your reference to the rumour mill that your alcoholic friend is your newly alcoholic friend. She is drinking excessively where formerly she was no problem at all. If this is the case I’d doubt that she is an alcoholic at all. Her behaviour is a situational response to something (at a guess past trauma, recent lay off) and unfortunately rather than overeating she chose alcohol. Well alcohol can be a good friend but it makes a lousy drinking buddy, it’s just to damn powerful.
You can rest assured that many people at various times of their lifes could be classed as alcoholics (college age males for instance) but are able to control their drinking without resorting to things like AA. They just need the right influence and changes in their life. Find out what is going on with your friend and offer your help. If she is using alcohol to self-medicate she should try to control it sooner rather than later, it won’t get easier if everyone sits back and watches. Don’t try to dance around her drinking and avoid the problems it causes - that is not a relationship.
From the “rumor mill” she is a longtime alcoholic. But, she’s newly my friend - we’ve become acquainted within the last few months.
I definitely want to be there for her, but I don’t particularly want to be there for her drunken rants… such as I got this evening. That’s the difficult part.
Raises an interesting question about friendship, now that I think about it: how involved must one be in a friend’s life to be a “good” friend?
As the daughter of a recovering alcoholic (now sober for 9 years, well done mum!), I know exactly what you’re going through. We seem to have for attracting the still-suffering alcoholic to us - whether they sense something in us that suggests we’ll take care of them (I may be reading too much into this, your situation may have been completely different to mine, but I spent my whole childhood taking care of my mum), or whether we respond to their need, I don’t know. I am only now starting to recognise that until recently all of my boyfriends and most of my friends have had issues with drink and/or drugs, and that I have believed I can “fix” them. For my own sake, I have had to cut them out of my life, and you should do the same with your friend. You can’t help her, and trying to will only bring up painful issues for you. Hopefully, she will eventually get recovery (but only when she is ready) and then you can form a real friendship with her - believe me when I say that the recovering alcoholics I know are the kindest, most considerate and most genuine people I know, with a love of life and positive spirit I can only envy. But until then, for your own sake keep away from her. You can’t fix her and it’s not your job to.
Oh, and one more thing - good luck with dealing your issues about your past and your family. I know how hard that can be. Best wishes.
Gee, my guess is just the opposite–her drinking led to her layoff, not the other way around.
My advice to lionsaoi is twofold:
a) Accept that she’s not going to quit drinking on your say-so. You don’t have that kind of influence over her.
b) Avoid being part of the problem. Don’t drink with her, don’t pick up a six-pack for her if she asks for it, don’t treat her drinking as a rational response to what she’s going through.
Try cutting off the phone calls when she’s drunk. If you have to, say something like that it sounds like she’s not in a good state to talk, or that she doesn’t sound well. You might even get to the point where you’ll have to outright say that maybe you could talk later when she hasn’t been drinking, that you think a job conversation/whatever would be more productive at another time. If she protests, just kind of ignore it or mildly acknowledge that she said something, then continue insisting that you’ll speak at another time.
You might get to the point where you’ll feel like you have to say something more blatant - I doubt it’ll help her condition, but it might help your own peace of mind. My husband and I had problems with one of his sisters and her then-husband calling us late at night, bitching on the phone (while drunk) about the other person. My husband got to the point where he told each of them separately during one of these calls that they had to get the booze out of the house and quit drinking. Each of them said, “I can’t do that.” Then my husband told them, “I gave you the best advice for the situation. I don’t want any more phone calls with complaints about the other person, or while drunk. If you do call like that, I will hang up on you.” It only took a couple calls and hang-ups for the point to be made. Unfortunately, 10 years later the woman still has problems. She hasn’t hit bottom yet. I hope your friend does and finds her way out of alcoholism.
Thanks for the advice, Jennyrosity… I think I may have to either cut her out of my life completely or severely reduce the time I spend with her. I’m also thinking that I will just have to let her know that she’s not to call me when she’s drunk… hopefully that will help prevent that.
I definitely agree with you that I tend to attract people who think I will take care of them and, having seen the devastation that alcoholism can cause in a family, I do want to. Wanting to help is a double-edged sword: You want to prevent them from feeling all the pain they experience, but it’s only that pain that will eventually cause them to get some help.
I know it’s hard, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t prevent them from feeling that pain. I recently had to end a friendship with a friend I cared a lot about because of her drinking. She was an awful drunk, alternately maudlin and aggressive, and she’d let me down once too often, but what really did it for me was one night when we’d been out with friends and she was so drunk she could barely stand, and she’s crying and mumbling about how awful her life is. I said I’d put her in a taxi and send her home - I was met by astonished looks from our friends and asked “Aren’t you going to go with her and take care of her?” And I just thought: “No. I spent most of my life looking after one drunk, I’m not doing it again”. I was also horrified by our friends’ assumption that her welfare was my responsibility. When she sobered up, I told I didn’t want her in my life as long as she was drinking. She’s still drinking, so I don’t see her anymore, although we exchange the occassional e-mail. Apparently, she has severe liver damage already - she’s only 26. And yes, that’s awful, and if I could do something to help her God knows I would, but I can’t. The only person who can help her is herself.
Please, lionsaoi, put yourself first and keep away from your friend, there really isn’t anything you can do. The need to “fix” alcoholics can be almost as damaging as the alcoholism itself.
Yeah, my first reaction would be to say “Let’s discuss this another time when you’re sober.” Especially if it’s job related. It’s not likely to affect her drinking but it will draw a line in the sand so she knows what you’re willing to put up with.
they’re your boundaries, not hers. You should have a clear idea what it is you are willing to do and not do. Beyond that, setting boundaries with an alcoholic isn’t much different from setting them with regards to anyone else.
You’re not her therapist nor are you in any way responsible for “teaching” her anything other than how to treat you.