Perhaps this question belongs in another section, and if the moderators move it, no problem, but here goes:
If you had been convicted of drunk driving in the remote past, and had mended your ways since then, would it serve your 18 year old children better to: A. Not tell them about it, or B. Tell them about it?
Speaking personally, my kids seem to appreciate the fact that I’ve told them honestly what I used to be like, what happened, and have demonstrated thru my actions what I’m like now. But I realize there may be cogent arguments for other approaches to this issue. Anybody?
Hmmmmm, it probably is REALLY dependent on the relationship you have with your kid, and your kid’s personality. I told my daughter (when she was about 18 or so) that I’d had pre-marital sex with her father, who is now my husband. She said that she had always kind of figured that, considering that we were teens in the 70s. I’ve also told her about our drug use (almost none in my case, considerably more in her father’s case) as kids. I think at age 18 or so, most kids are willing to try to see their parents as people, and in fact it might help the relationship.
To add to what Lyn said, I also think kids are pretty damn smart. They’ll soon tumble on to what is being hidden from them by their parents. Once they find out the degree to which you ‘hide’ or ‘protect’ them from the truth, they will then make judgements about you. That is, if you don’t give your children some real world truths about what you yourself have done wrong in the past, when they find out on their own, they may decide that other things you’ve said are not necessarily so ‘true’.
That said, you also deserve to keep some things private. But my theory is that you can or should reveal as much as possible to the kids, both positive and negative, and let them see that you’re human too. You also add that it was a mistake and you’re a better person for having had that happen, ie., I lost my license, I paid ‘x’ amount in fines and fee’s, on and on, all for a mistake that could easily have been avoided.
Personally, I think they’ll respect you more down the road.
For one, if you tell them, it may help hit home that you were a kid once and you know what goes on.
For another, as they say in politics, it’s not the deed, it’s the cover-up. If your kids ever find out you DID do something you claimed not to, you’ll lose credibility with them.
Alas, my kids will never believe that my early life was as dull as it really was, so I may have to make things up so they don’t think I’m covering up!
Why tell them? There’s no reason to dump your past problems on the kids you have now. Now if you’re telling them about it because you want to teach them some sort of lesson that’s one thing. But why just tell them without a reason? They’re your children not your confessors.
Marc
As Lynn said, it probably depends on circumstances specific to each family. I was a very boring teenager, but what I did do, I told my children about, and how my behavior affected me. I have friends who were wild child types; some told their children and some did not. One of these friends was highly condemning of a step-child’s behavior, which was very similar to hers when she was a teen. And she did not tell the step-child what she herself was like.
Quadgop: I would not lie to my children if they ask you pertinent questions. I would voluntarily confess my past misdeeds or dees only if I thought it was pertinent or if I thought such a confession would stop them from making a similar mistake.
Other than that, I believe strongly in two principles:
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Never volunteer any information unless you really feel like it.
Qadgop- I like the way you put it, I say it that way myself from time to time.
My son will most likely know quite a bit about mommy and her wasted youth, because I am active in the recovery community and my story is not a secret.
I would never lie to him if he asked. Would I be uncomfortable? Hell yes! I don’t want my kid to think I’m an idiot, or that it is somehow glamorous to fuck up your life. But I won’t ever lie to him, even if it’s “for his own good”, which BTW it never is.
The bottom line for me is that the most important thing my kid will see is me now, being an honest, responsible person. Nobody’s perfect, and it’s silly to think that your kids should view you that way. I always thought my dad was perfect, and it caused problems.
Well I am still in the misspending my youth, and any kids are a distant prospect, so my perspective is different. But I think it is a very touchy subject. I have a couple a friends who are lucky to be alive today, and when they talk about all the stupid stuff they do, it very often comes down to trying to live up to the party animal/daredevil that their mom/dad seemed to be. You have to be careful not to glamorize the run-ins with the law, nor make them seem to casual, while still trying not to detail the exact steps needed to scare mom and dad, while still having the excuse, ‘but you did it and you’re still here’.