Why not just do what you want to do and what you already agreed to do with your friend? Why did the problem crop up only after the wifey learned of the already made plans? She should just not go, if the bar really is not just an excuse to ditch the friend she apparently does not like.
Seriously dude, you’re the one who needs to grow up - and determine just exactly how pussy-whipped you really are, and if it’s worth it.
Go watch the damn game with your friend, in the place you were originally perfectly content to go and watch the game with your friend of 30 years.
And really, the guy isn’t trying to drive a stake into your marriage or drive your wife away, get over yourself.
Honestly, I’m a little unsure who the thread title applies to.
I agree.
I don’t need permission from my husband to go do things with my friends, and he doesn’t need permission from me, but we always check with each other first just to make sure one or the other of us didn’t have plans or some other idea of what was going on that day. FWIW, happily married 25 yrs.
While I find the “be a dude, don’t be so pussywhipped” attitude laughably immature, especially when we’re talking about middle-aged men, I do think it makes sense for your friend to be upset that you’re bailing on plans you made with him.
As a wife, I also think her behavior might have been rude, depending on what exactly she said. I wouldn’t invite myself to plans my husband made with his buddies and then tell him he needs to change his plans to suit me, but I could easily see him thinking he needs to if I say I’m interested in the event but not thrilled about where it is, even if I’m genuinely fine with missing out.
There’s really nothing wrong with deciding you’d prefer your spouse’s company, but it’s pretty rude to make plans with someone, then dump them as soon as you realize you could spend that time with someone else instead. I don’t think anyone likes that second banana feeling.
Well summarized.
Just a word of advice for consideration. Every relationship thread on the Dope functions as a Rorschach test for each poster’s individual view of relationships. This includes their past relationship drama, gender biases, wonderful marriages or exes from hell. I have never seen posters make such broad and uncharitable assumptions about people as they do in relationship threads (I am speaking in generalities, not commenting on responses in this thread specifically.) As a result, I have concluded that nobody will ever get unbiased advice about relationships on this board. Which isn’t to say that you won’t get good advice sometimes. Just try to keep in mind that, as much as you would like it to be, this thread is not about you, it’s about everyone else’s biased assumptions about what relationships are. This also means that whatever is said about you or your wife, it’s neither well-informed about your specific situation, nor is it personal.
My own bias is that I’ve been happily married for almost 12 years to a man I love so much I sometimes go to the grocery store with him just so I can spend time with him. (I hate grocery shopping.) We don’t share every activity, but we share many. My takeaway was: ‘‘They’ve been married 26 years and he clearly prefers her company. So probably whatever they have been doing is working.’’ It’s also clear that you’re fed up with your friend, and it’s not based on a single incident.
I recently signed up for a Tai Chi class with a friend that took away a good three hour chunk of time I could be spending with my husband during the week. I went to one class, was not personally enthralled by it, and said, to my friend, ‘‘I have many competing priorities right now, I didn’t have the best time at this class, and I’d rather spend time with my husband than do this every Wednesday for the next three months.’’
She was like, ‘‘Yeah, I totally get it if you have higher priorities.’’ She is 23. She is exhibiting, in my opinion, more maturity than your friend.
I also go to a coffee house every other Tuesday to [del]waste time talking[/del] work on writing with this same friend, so it’s not like I’m incapable of doing things on my own, and I certainly do not neglect my friendships.
If your friend was disappointed, he could have just said that, rather than insulting your marriage to make his point. That, IMO, is what makes his response immature.
Real Patriots fans have their “good luck” bar in the basement or garage of their homes. Sports bars are for the weak.
Spice Weasel is, as always, on point.
Mmmmm, not this time, no offense. No matter how happy your marriage is, dumping your previous plans with a friend to please a spouse is still a crappy way to behave. If the friend makes snide remarks about it, well, it’s unfortunate, but that friend is upset. Should the friend have restrained himself? Perhaps, but he’s the injured party here.
And as for insulting the OP’s marriage, or trying to drive a wedge into it, give me a break. It was two texts, and fairly mild ones at that. He didn’t call the guy’s wife a c-word or something, like some of you are reacting.
your buddy is right to be a little miffed. you’ve known your wife for however long and been married to her for 23 years… he should be able to assume you followed protocol regarding your ability to make plans with someone. after all, you’re 50 years old.
how many games did your wife watch with you during the season? I’m guessing none.
i think it’s kinda crappy for her to insert herself in something at the last minute that she’s had the opportunity to participate in all season with you but has chosen not to.
I’ll allow for your buddy maybe not behaving like a normal (whatever that is) 50 year old behaves. you’ve known that since you’ve known him though.
let’s just agree that everyone is a little to blame in this situation.
alternate ending -
what’s his wife doing during the game?
how do yours & his wife get along?
your wife clearly doesn’t really enjoy football. I’m gonna guess neither does his wife. maybe they could hang out while you guys went to the bar?
Nobody in this story is coming off well.
You come off as whipped. You made plans that as an adult 50 year-old male are assumed to be allowed to make, and when your wife on a whim tells you to break your plans, you instantly do. Wife comes first, but at the same time, you don’t casually break plans because your wife gets a sudden bug up her ass. Invite her to his bar and if she doesn’t want to go, oh well.
Your friend comes across as a passive-aggressive weenie.
Your wife (as you present her) comes across as a jealous bitch. You make plans with your buddy to watch his favorite team play in the superbowl and he wants to go to his favorite bar, and your wife suddenly decides “I want to come along–and by “come along” I mean, we’ll go to a completely different bar* to watch this fut-bol-thing you speak of” Also, apparently he’s not invited anyway.
I think you need to (gently, nicely) need to confront your wife and ask her if she’s got a problem with your friend (she does) and what her problem with your friend is. And then make the decision to man up and tell your friend (and not by voice mail or text) that you aren’t hanging out with him any more.
*Why? What’s her problem with his bar? Is his is a sports bar and hers a fern-bar type place where the game will be in the background, muted?
to be fair I don’t like most “sports bars.” even if the sound isn’t muted there’s so much noise it’s hard to hear anything and I leave with my ears ringing.
if I’m going to be subjected to that much noise, I’d much rather be at the actual game.
I agree with you but I didn’t promise a friend that I’d go to one that (for some reason) is meaningful to him to watch his favorite team. I’d have simply said “no”.
Hmmm…This is a difficult case. Does the rule of “bro code”, specifically “bros before hoes” supersede “happy wife, happy life”. A bro does not willingly put a fellow bro in a position that will land him in the doghouse with his wife. And yet a bro also does not make Super Bowl plans and then cancel them at the last minute.
I would suggest that in this particular instance, the wife should suck it up and accompany her husband to said sports bar to watch the game with his bro IF the aforementioned bro’s wife is also in attendance. Watching your team play in the Super Bowl with your friends is a special occasion, equivalent to your wife dragging you to some distant cousin’s wedding that you have no interest in attending. You do this for her because that is what married people do.
I say! I do believe your TAMPON appears to have fallen out of your purse! Perhaps your should excuse yourself to re-insert it into that vagina between your legs that you have in lieu of a penis.
Then it’s settled! We shall all purchase Super Bowl tickets immediately!
Did you check with your wife?
It sounds to me like you are the one being too passive with your wife and he’s not trying to be a “homewrecker.” It’s your choice, of course, but you already made plans and then your wife steps in and changes them for you. I don’t want to make assumptions (and I agree with the gist of Spice Weasel’s post) but without knowing you at all I would just assume that’s how your relationship functions. In my opinion, doing whatever your wife asks is not the key to a good marriage, though that’s certainly time-honored (joke) advice. It’s rather bitchy, to me, to blame your friend for “getting you in trouble” with your wife because you have no backbone and it’s like you are a middle-schooler and she’s your mom.
From your description, it doesn’t sound like the wife shoved herself into the plans. She expressed interest in the game but also expressed disinterest in going to the sports bars. Then the OP tried to negotiate not going to the bar with his friend, with no success.
Did the OP come back to his wife, explain his friends’s position, and see if she was willing to bend? Doesn’t sound like it. It doesn’t sound like the OP made a good faith effort to broker a compromise so that he could honor the plans he made with his friend while being inclusive to his wife. He just decided to scrap the plans when he realized his wife wanted to do something else.
Is this the end of the world? Nah. But it’s not a mature way of managing one’s relationships. It’s generally poor form to make plans and then flake out on them for non-exigent reasons. You can’t expect to keep friends and do this kind of thing often. If your plans can be overturned at the whim of your wife, then okay, whatever, it’s your life not mine. But then stop making plans until you first run them by your wife.
The other thing that jumps out at me is that you attribute your decision to your wife’s wishes rather than just owning it yourself. When it comes down to it, you didn’t feel like going to the sports bar. If you’re backing out of plans, you need to just say that you’d rather watch the game at home with your wife, sorry maybe next year. Instead, you presented it as though you’re simply appeasing your wife. You can’t be surprised when you do that and are then called pussywhipped.
WTF is a “fern-bar”?
I don’t know either, Wiki says it is places like T.G.I. Friday’s, Bennigan’s, and Houlihan’s but I think of those as sports bars.
It’s a bar…with ferns. Yuppie in tone, from when they were called yuppies.